Sunday, May 31, 2009


It was a fucking disaster

All my hard work all day. I was looking forward to weighing less tomorrow. I was so proud. All for fucking nothing. Party was practically empty. Just a few of us and a pile of junk food. And I held out for so long and I got fucking pushed into it and once I started I couldn't stop. I couldn't hide. I couldn't say no. And I couldn't purge. And I couldn't go home because I got a lift with a friend and had to wait for them to leave.

Fuck fuck fuck I'm so fucking angry and frustrated and I feel like such a mess. I tried so hard. I want to cry but I can't.

Once I got home I went straight to the shower and tried to vomit up as much as I could. But I wish I hadn't bothered. It was too late. A whole long evening of protracted ingestion of lollies and chocolate and cake. On a previously empty stomach. Way way too late. So all I got up was a lot of stomach acid and the odd sickening reminder of the night that was. But I kept trying and trying so desperately in the vain hope that I might somehow save myself. Now my throat and my head and my heart are burning.

It's so so so horrible. Now I'm lying in bed and I feel desperate and hopeless. I don't know what to do tomorrow. Everything was going so well and now I feel like I'm a million miles away from anywhere I want to be. Like I'll never find the motivation again after such an immense failure.

My head is screaming and screaming.


  1. I know how awful it is when you fall off the wagon like that and it feels easier to continue relinquishing control than to start afresh. I say make a really detailed plan to get you excited about how good you're gonna be tomorrow, dont prolong the pain by letting go please sweetie! the regret will only be double.

    however bad the damage is, you know its only gonna take two or three days to undo it. maybe less. stay strong xx

  2. I know how you feel. I've been in a similar situation some days ago. And like Lulu said, make a plan. That's the only thing keeping me on track actully.

    And never let go. You are strong and you can keep it up.

  3. I know how you feel aswell,
    when your doing so well and then mess up, it makes you feel like shit.
    I agree with the plan idea :)
    stay strong, you can do this, xx.

  4. sorry hun :( there will always be time. go for a jog, do anything. good luck xx