Saturday, September 25, 2010

...or maybe I'm just not ready

will I ever be?

...starting today

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Time to breathe some life

7 days left of September
and I weigh about 59kg

So with my gastro head start I need to lose 1kg in 1 week to be 58 by October. On target. Numbers are so boring and shit. Right now I need them because I'm vomiting every day. EVERY day, no exceptions, it is what I do when I come home from work. I'm not even trying to stop now. It is routine. I don't know what the hell else I would do instead, I hate to try and think about it, it fogs my head with stress. So I don't fight it. I just puke on schedule.

This is why I need to talk stupid shitty numbers.
So for 7 days I am going to not throw up. I am going to record everything I eat, good or bad. At the end of each day I will let you guys know.

And at the end of the week I hope to be 58kg.

"Yeah right" I hear you say?... Well you gotta keep trying.
I can't keep my head in this paper bag for the rest of my life.
It's OK, but I'm becoming nothing, and I want to be alive.

Monday, September 20, 2010

today I had a small moment

Was walking through my neighbourhood and the air was warm. Perfect skin temperature air you pretty much can't even feel as you move through it. And fresias and other weedy spring time flowers you forget exist making those quirky "summer's-coming" scents that catch you off guard. And I thought shiiiiit I haven't actually walked around these streets in... what? 8 monthsish? This is the best time of year and it was nostalgically depression-wrenchingly lovely. How easy is all this? How can life be hard and sad? When I hate myself and all I want to do is eat or puke or hide, can't I just step out and be in this and have everything be great?

The reality is a rare day off buffered all sides by a zillion crippling days on. And I still did puke twice. Still, warmth is an amazing distiller of optimism. Now I've had a few late night lonesome g&t's but not in the sad way. Solidarity with the changing seasons. I feel relaxed and OK. My cat is here and anyone who says cats aren't loyal has never had one. He looks at me, lowers his eyes and slowly pushes his nose into my mouth for the briefest of kisses. It's not gross. Maybe you have to be there.

It's warm. Give me my moment.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

58.5, thank you gastro

Now my mission is to make the most of this head start.

Lulu, I'm glad you're back, I've missed you!
It's time the old crew returned to challenge these anonymous upstarts ;)

Saturday, September 11, 2010

i am fat and disgusting and i hate myself. i dont know where the last 5 kilos came from. it was so quick and seemingly painless and so strangely imperceptible and yet here i am... fat

actually fat

not just not as thin as i want to be

i went from finally getting thin... to ok... to fat

fat fat fat actually fat

62 kilos of fat

im back at my starting weight

and im so ashamed


i am very drunk right now
and very lonely
and very ugly
and angry
and very desperate


because i knew i could regroup and change

and here i am and i cant change




Tuesday, September 7, 2010


it isn't found in images

it is words and memories

a boy I slept with a month ago

"I love this bone on women"

knowing he was thinking back to his former, beautiful girlfriend and caressing the sharpness of her hip in his imagination, disappointed by mine. disgusted, even.

"oh god I must look like shit this morning"

awaiting the affirmation

"you look... ok"

what was he thinking, he was thinking

I remember when I had hip bones like that


Monday, September 6, 2010

small apple... 100
salad... 0
quinoa... 150
salad... 0
egg whites... 150
small apple... 100



Wednesday, September 1, 2010

out of the sand


I have been head down in the sand, forging recklessly through my ugly life and ignoring the knowing fat. Today means numbers and accountability. Raising myself out of the dust and letting Spring envelop me. I think I'm out of second chances. I think this is it.

12 weeks until Summer
12 kilos to lose