Sunday, May 31, 2009


It was a fucking disaster

All my hard work all day. I was looking forward to weighing less tomorrow. I was so proud. All for fucking nothing. Party was practically empty. Just a few of us and a pile of junk food. And I held out for so long and I got fucking pushed into it and once I started I couldn't stop. I couldn't hide. I couldn't say no. And I couldn't purge. And I couldn't go home because I got a lift with a friend and had to wait for them to leave.

Fuck fuck fuck I'm so fucking angry and frustrated and I feel like such a mess. I tried so hard. I want to cry but I can't.

Once I got home I went straight to the shower and tried to vomit up as much as I could. But I wish I hadn't bothered. It was too late. A whole long evening of protracted ingestion of lollies and chocolate and cake. On a previously empty stomach. Way way too late. So all I got up was a lot of stomach acid and the odd sickening reminder of the night that was. But I kept trying and trying so desperately in the vain hope that I might somehow save myself. Now my throat and my head and my heart are burning.

It's so so so horrible. Now I'm lying in bed and I feel desperate and hopeless. I don't know what to do tomorrow. Everything was going so well and now I feel like I'm a million miles away from anywhere I want to be. Like I'll never find the motivation again after such an immense failure.

My head is screaming and screaming.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Just finished off my smoothie

and it was the most fabulously delicious thing ever!

So now I've had my 200 calories of cool, frothy, pale pink refreshment and I'm done. So long as the party tonight doesn't bring me UNdone. I think I'm feeling so great and positive at the moment that I really don't want to spoil it with icky party food and booze. Yuck!

Get this... this morning I RAN! I haven't exercised in any capacity for over a month. I thought I would just go for a long walk, around this 10.5 km track around the river. But as I set out I thought "hey, maybe I'll just jog a little way, I can do that" and I didn't stop jogging til I got to the end. It was just so lovely and satisfying to know I was doing something positive, and it was such a gorgeous sunny day, the river was glistening. Ahh.

So it has been a great day. Still, all the big challenges are yet to come. Wish me luck!

Friday, May 29, 2009

So it was a bad day after all

...but at least now I feel thoroughly SICKENED by the thought of food.

I think tomorrow I will make 200cal worth of fruit smoothie in the morning that I will drink throughout the day. Then I have to go to a party (blech) where I will try and pep myself up on a zillion caffeine pills instead of alcohol, and avoid all food temptations.

Could be tough.
But there will be NO purging.
Aside from the fact that it is completely horrid and bad for me, I'm becoming complacent and arousing suspicion. This is NOT good. Even if I lose it and eat/drink at the party, if I stick to just 200 cal during the day it shouldn't be too terrible overall.

OK, feels good to have a plan. Usually if my regime is set in words then it is set in stone.

Come on tomorrow! I have faith in you! You will be a lovely and productive day, full of nice surprises, freshness, clarity, brightness and emptiness.

Til then, adieu
It's time for bed



Wake up. Stretch. Tummy rumbling. Sore head. Not totally miserable but hardly skipping the light fandango. Can't tell if today feels like a good day or a bad day.

My cat is tucked under my arm purring away. Every morning when I wake up and grab my laptop he snuggles into bed with me for cuddles and blog reading. It's our morning routine. He's quite sweet. But with every passing day I run the increasing risk of retreating further from humanity and becoming a crazy cat lady.

I suppose if I could be a beautiful crazy cat lady it might be OK.

I'm a little bereft of inspiration today. I don't have a plan or an idea of what or how much to eat. Should I stick to just fruit and veg? Or fast to make up for yesterday? Or perhaps try again for a normal eating day to make sure yesterday doesn't repeat itself? But then, that's how yesterday started out so I hardly think it's a recipe for success. Perhaps I should have a day of cat kibbles. Seems to keep my fluff baby svelte.

A new favourite thing I've found to do is cut a small apple into very thin slices, and sprinkle them with lemon juice and cinnamon. I know it's hardly groundbreaking, but it amazes me how delicious it is and how long it takes to eat. You can really stretch 50 calories into quite a long and satisfying meal. I'm thinking of giving a pear the same treatment. I should get up and do that for breakfast... maybe... really I feel like eating 5 packets of chocolate biscuits. No matter how satisfying you can try and make one small apple, it will never be that satisfying.

Damn. I should get up and go running. Or something. Anything.

Where are you???


Thursday, May 28, 2009

Today not so good

My sister is making dinner right now, I reckon I'll probably eat it. I'm hungry. I reckon I'll probably purge it. Seems to be the theme for the day.

'nuff said really

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Downward Spiral

My lovely Finn Femme Maria has reached my goal weight. She is such a magnificent creature and truly inspiring. While I have eased off the intensity, I cannot forget how precious it is to keep pushing myself down this delicate spiral. I can get there. Just 4 more kilos til I reach the ground.

I ate reasonably normally today. Healthy normal, maybe 800 cal tops, good food, lots of veg. No binging. No purging. The first time in a long time. And I do feel a bit icky and fat, but I'm still pleased. It IS possible for me to do it. I could maintain here. Eventually. Once I've spirited away these last 4 kilos of fat.

It's amazing how it is when you are feeling your most foul that you seem to get the most positive attention. I had to see my GP today, and walked because it's only a half hour away (go me!). Anywho it was cold and I was feeling fat and miserable so I wore an ugly baggy jumper and my hair was a mess. I got terrible blisters because I stupidly decided to wear new shoes so I ended up taking them off and walking barefoot, shoes and stockings in hand. Not glamorous. Not pretty. Never-the-less it seemed every passing car sent me a honk or a jeer or a wolf whistle. Were they taking the piss? And when I got to the GP she told me I definitely looked like I had dropped lots of weight since she'd last seen me.

Weird. On the off chance that I ever feel sexy, no one pays the slightest heed.

And as much as people tell us that thin is not worth it, that it is not as glamorous and beautiful as we think, that we are too skinny - when you lose weight people will suddely wolf whistle at you even when you look like a barefooted hobo.


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Turning my back...

...on the ABC

I'm so sorry girls, I feel like I've failed you. Everybody has been so supportive and wonderful, But I'm not the inspiration you thought I was. Sad.

Still, I am NOT giving up. I'm too close to my goal to pack it in. It is just that I am teetering on the brink of real bulimia and I'm too weak not to fall over. I will still restrict. I will still blog. I'm going to vary my calories between 200 and 800 with intermittent fasting days. I won't lose as fast, but I WILL still lose. And hopefully it is something i can stick to. I will pick my days. When I feel strong I will eat less. When I feel weak I will still keep control. No mindless binging. No purging.

On my way to maintenance. On my way to a skinnier, happier life.

All my love


Well, my weekend didn't hurt me all that badly! Phew!

PLUS (TMI warning) last night I took a few laxies and heaps of fibre supplement stuff and crammed myself full of dried fruit... and none of it has kicked in yet and I'm quite bloated. So once I've "offloaded" that I should weigh quite a lot less :)

Just had a small apple (50 cal) for breakfast and have a busy uni day ahead, so well on my way to a good 150 cal day. Wish me luck!


Monday, May 25, 2009

Let's Get Lovely!

My hiatus went a day longer then anticipated.
And it didn't do much for mental health, just protracted my self-indulgent self-loathing. I thought eating normally would help, but I can't do that, remember?

So I ate and I puked and I sat and I stared and I ate and puked some more. My sister is onto me too, so then I ate and puked and stared and denied and denied and puked and denied and stared and hid away and felt helpless. It's no way to live.

So stuff it!
Stuff em!

I'm back in the game and tomorrow morning will be abc day 11, 150 cal, as though the last 3 days never happened. It's time to get lovely. I don't want to be this gross, flabby, over-emotional-slash-emotionless out-of-control mess anymore. It's time to get my pretty on!

Now I've also been thinking that I'm not actually enormously far off my maintenance weight. The problem is that I can't do maintenance, because I can't do normality. I don't want to yoyo between weight gain and binging and purging and restricting and shrinking and growing for the rest of my life. I need to LEARN to eat semi-normally. So I think I might need to throw in a couple of "practice maintenance" days into my abc here in there. Any thoughts?

Tomorrow morning I will weigh my self and assess the damage I've done.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Somebody to love

It seems everybody has a "new boy" at the moment, or a new boy who has progressed into just a "boy". I've been on my own now for about 5 weeks. Not a long time. But I think I've FELT on my own for at least a year. And so, so lonely.

Sometimes I think I'd quite like to have a new boy too. But I'm completely withdrawn. The thought of having to venture forth into the world and meet people is so... horrible. Daunting and confronting and exhausting.

I just want the feeling of lying with someone who loves me

Saturday, May 23, 2009


Down almost a kilo (2 lbs)
The mark of a successful fast
And my BMI has just dipped below 19, which by most categories makes me officially underweight.

But god it was a struggle not to faint on my way from my bed to the scale.

And the mirror amazed me when I got back to my room.
Bony chest
Flat stomach
My waist is down to 59cm (23 inches)
If I just ignored my arms and legs I'd actually be THIN

I should be elated!
But I just feel sick and terrified.
And my depression has become crippling. I can barely get out of bed. I can barely move. I'm holding onto this numbers game so desperately but everything else in my life is becoming an impossible and miserable struggle.

So I'm going to spend the weekend at my mum's.
I will eat.
I'm sorry girls.
Come Monday I'll get back on my game. Hopefully I won't have gained.

But I need to do this.

Thanks for your support and good luck
You are such fantastic and beautiful people. It's hard for you to see sometimes, but it's true.
All my love


Friday, May 22, 2009

tick, tick, tick

Counting down the minutes til this day ends and my head hits the pillow

Because then I can sleep soundly in the knowledge that I've fasted the entire day

Thursday, May 21, 2009

By the way...

... My blog was feeling dreary so I gave it a lil facelift.
Hope you still recognise me!!

simple as do re mi, ABC, 1 2 3, baby you and me girl!

OK, came unstuck a bit yesterday. Out of the blue lunch with the ex, after I'd already used up most of the days cals for breakfast. Rats! Lunch flicked my binge trigger and I was heading for panic mode but I managed to reign it in all afternoon. Stuffed myself stupid with frozen peas and diet ginger ale and tried not to think about chocolate. And you know what? I reckon I did pretty well under the circumstances. The day's tally came out to around 750 cals.

So it's basically my first FAIL day. But in the spirit of optimism and self-encouragement I'm going to call it a "metabolism building" day, in which I was proud of my battle against the binge. Making the best of a bad situation. Tick.

Today is 500 cal. Oh boy!

In other news, as I approach my goal I'm getting increasingly panicky about maintenance. It's as though I just KNOW I will get fat again. It's inevitable. I CAN'T DO moderation. Never could. It's why I got fat to begin with. I want to teach myself how. Eat well, eat beautifully, stay thin. But I'm not feeling it. I don't believe it. I will get complacent and balloon out. I don't want to be trapped in this crazy starvation life forever... but if I stop I'm fucked.

Peace out

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I'm doing so well at the moment
Getting close to my goal
And I'm feeling strong enough to get there and stay there

But I still feel down in the dumps because the damage I've done to my body by being fat is irreversible.

I will never look perfect no matter how much weight I lose, because
I have stretch marks all over my hips and thighs
My boobs are saggy and deflated and ugly
My skin is limp and loose

And maybe it will all improve a little with time, but never enough.
Ugly scars reminding me of how disgusting I was and could easily be again.

Thank you girls all so much for your lovely comments! It's an honour that you can find some hope or inspiration from my blog xx

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Dream Run

My GOODNESS was I close to quitting last night.
SO close.
My sister made the most delicious smelling dinner...
...and I was poised with my plate and my serving spoon was in the pot

On the brink
And something stopped me

This morning I was rewarded with 53.2 kg (117 lbs)
I was saying before that I should raise my goal from 49 kg to 53 kg so that I can allay the fears of my friends and family for a while. But with this dream run still catapulting along it would be a horrible waste to quit now. I have to keep going...

Today is day 7 of the abc. The end of week 1. I'm so pleased I've made it this far. I had a boiled egg and some berries for breakfast, 150 cal, so I have another 150 cal left for the day. Quite tolerable really :)

All my love my beautiful, beautiful girls
Keep living the dream
We are the special ones

Monday, May 18, 2009

Know when to hold em, Know when to fold em

This morning on the scales I was 53.6 kg (117.9 lbs).
So I think yesterday definitely deserves a tick. Ha.
How can I possibly quit when, as fat as I feel, the weight just melts off.
No plateau for me. Nup. I'm just melting away.


Maybe I'll quit when I do hit a plateau. That may be by body telling me it's time. Or perhaps I'll never hit a plateau and keep going til I die.

Sorry to sound like it's all too easy when I know a lot of you girls are struggling for numbers. Lucky break. I hope you can get one soon too.

Lucky breaks all round!!


Sunday, May 17, 2009

losing myself some more, or more of myself, or something


I usually feel so much better when I'm restricting successfully. And I do. Feel better I mean. Just... not as good as I'd like. I'm questioning myself a lot. I worry that I'm going too far, but then I think that's ridiculous - I'm not even underweight.

I shared a change room with a friend today while out shopping. She has always been slightly smaller than me, but recently she has gained a tiny bit of weight and I have lost a heap, so now she's quite a lot bigger. I kept feeling as though I had to shield my body from her, hide the changes. I didn't want her to notice them, because she'd be jealous and hate me. Or think I was vain and hate me. Or just hate me.

And I can tell I'm becoming too obsessive. Today I ate nothing all day, then had 4 small chocolates for dinner. It was 100 cal day according to the abc (meaning I would allow myself 200 if desperate) and I figured I'd come out at around 150. But then I checked the nutritional info on the chocolate box (after... idiot) and it was more like 220. 220, when I was allowed to have 200. That's not bad. 220 cal in a day is absolutely stuff all. But I've spent hours trying to deliberate whether to admit my failure on this blog, whether to tick off the day or not, whether to try and purge...

It's fucking crazy. My head feels clear but I think I'm losing it.

I wonder if I should quit the abc. I almost feel like I'm doing too well. Which is pretty ridiculous. I honestly think I went into it anticipating I'd fail. But now that I've got a few days under my belt I've encountered this incredibly stubborn side of myself that is steadfastly committed. It scares me. I actually think that if I make it through 50 days I will alienate everybody in my life. I want to quit. To start to up my intake and be normal and healthy and try to stick to this weight.

But I don't want to lose the feeling of power this gives me. Let go of the one thing I'm good at. And I DO want to be thinner. I just don't know if it's a good idea

I just... don't... know

54.1kg (119 lbs)


Poo bum
100 cal day today
I'm terrified

54.3kg (119.5 lbs) yesterday morning. Which means my BMI has just inched under 20 for the first time ever. It's nice :)

I don't want to weigh this morning because I'm sure it will probably be up again. I did well yesterday... I just... you know...

Friday, May 15, 2009


Trying to ration out my 300 calories for the afternoon was just too difficult, so instead I just didn't eat. Which means day 3 of ABC, 0 calories!

I think it is the first day of my entire life where I have eaten absolutely nothing. I have officially fasted. I feel so dizzy it is fucking great!

2.30pm ABC day 3 going strong

Need I say more?
My first two (official) days went to plan
Today is day 3 and so far I haven't touched a calorie! I'm wondering if I should have my 300 over the rest of the day, or maybe try and hold out then call it a fasting day! I don't want to push myself because I know I'll just cave and fail, but maybe I could trade this for a fast day later on...

Who am I kidding? I'm already starting to think about food. It just seems like it would be easier to eat nothing than to try to stick to 300.

I'd also desperately like to go visit my mum, I love her so much and we get along so well. But going to my parents' house means food, lots of it. Their kitchen is packed with junk. And there would be dinner. And even though they don't really push me to eat, I've grown to associate their house with eating and it's a huge binge trigger for me. Which invariably means locking myself in the shower and vomiting afterward then spending the rest of the time trying not to pass out. It's so sad, because I'd love to see them but I know it would spell disaster. It's more important that I stick to the program, particularly in these first few days while I'm getting used to restricting properly again.

I'm pretty pathetic
I'm 23 and I miss my mummy :(
Just so desperate for support

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

back in the swing of things

Day 1 done and dusted... Finally a little success!
500 cal again tomorrow and then things start to get serious.

I decided to add a few rules to modify the program so I don't fail again. Firstly I'm going to give myself 100 cal leeway, on any days when I feel I need them except for fasting days. That makes it a little more flexible for me and hopefully will serve to mediate my binges. I'm also going to allow myself an extra 200 cal for any day where I fit in a significant workout (again fasting days excluded). All calories (solid, liquid and... gas?) will be counted except for those in raw veg - they are my super safety foods and if you take them away from me I'll suffer.

Oh, and finally, the occasional slip up WILL be tolerated, but will be harshly punished with running!


Many thanks comrades for your votes!

I think the general consensus is...
Wait for it...


"Plough on" was a very close second, but "do over" means I get to start back on a 500cal day which is fractionally easier than the 300 I'd be moving onto. Tut tut Pasco, your strategies reflect your weakness.

Now, yesterday doesn't count either because that was poll day and I couldn't possibly make a decision before I had the results (also, it doesn't count because I ate lots of popcorn at the movies) ;)

But here I am this morning, halfway trough the big bottle of salty water that is going to mark the cleansing start to my 50 days of relative emptiness!

So raise a salty glass

Viva la fat revolution!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I SUCK - so now what, kids?

How the hell can you fail on day 1???
I mean, seriously, it's a 500cal day! That's not even hard! That's basically what I was eating before I even decided to embark on this abc thing... jeeeeeeeesus

Wagged uni all day, ate fine, doing great, had Faz77 for support (Farah, don't read this, OH THE SHAME) but crumpled last night. I'm usually not even that bad in the evenings! I had about 2/3 of a tub of icecream (2L tubs, yay Australia) in the freezer, and binge/purge/binge/purge/binge/purged my way through the whole thing.

Then I tried to go to bed but I was a bleery teary sobby slobby mess and I couldn't sleep. So when the ex (recent ex) sent me chirpy message I told him I felt bad and he came by with cake and cuddles. He had about 2 bites of the 2 person sized bit of cake and I gobbed up the rest, 'tween sniffles.

But I felt much better afterward.
Something sort of clicked back into place.
He went home and I nodded off.

Still, Pasco is a weakling! What gives? I'm back in that nasty out of control seriously miserably horribly god I don't even know how to finish this sentence place. This morning I'm feeling a little more myself. Time for a do over?

Soooo I thought I'd take a poll (albeit one with a very small sample size)

Votes please on Pasco's new plan:

a) Do over for sure, day 1 again, this time do it right
b) Plough on, day 2, as though day 1 never happened
c) Are you kidding, you clearly aren't ready for this! Quit!
d) Try and eat normally, save yourself!
e) Compensate with a good hard fast, loser

Or if you can think of a better option for the list, alternative answers will be accepted.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Battered, Bruised, Broken

Does anybody have a problem with bruising?

Since I started losing weight I have noticed that I've been bruising more easily. It started out on my squishy spots, particularly my thighs, and anywhere you tend to bump, like shins and hips. Normal places for bruises, but I notice I have WAY more than anybody else I know, or just looking around at other people. My legs are RIDDLED with them. Most disturbingly, they don't really hurt - there's no obvious precipitating injury - they just pop up out of nowhere.

I had a blood test several weeks ago which showed that my platelets (the cells in your blood responsible for clotting) were low, but not hugely so, and a repeat blood test showed them to have come back up again to the lower end of normal.

More recently it's been getting even worse. And in strange places. My lower back is a blotchy mess of bruises, and they've started appearing on my chest. I have a couple on my bum too. I'm starting to wonder if my bony areas are bruising more easily as the fat layer begins to reduce. But it's crazy! And much skinnier girls than me don't seem to have bruises like this!

So... is this common to you girls too?

As for the ABC, I think it's now or never. I'm single and at uni, so there should be minimal interference. If I can manage 50 days (I'm a little dubious) I should be around where I want to be to start maintaining my weight. I think I will stick to the ascribed calories in the main part, but perhaps go over in the event that I have to do things with other people and get pressured to eat. After which I'll try not to let too much purging creep into the plan.

Day 1

Sunday, May 10, 2009


... here we goooooooo

dazed and confused and a pretty nice hangover weight


I feel disgusting. 2pm in the afternoon and no sleep last night and none today despite loads of trying. So exhausted and hungover and foul but my body clock is reset and it won't let me just sleep. But I'm not really feeling too good about standing up either because I've been verrrrry fainty lately. I'm comatose awake. Catatonic practically.

I can't believe I was driving all over the city half drunk about 6 hours ago. What the hell? It's a fuzzy memory.

Horrible horrible night. Abandoned and stranded and 4 suburbs away from my car. But a nice boy walked me there (massive long calorie burning high heeled walk musta taken 2 hours) and was very gentlemanly. He kinda saved me. I felt bad. I think he liked me. I very much appreciated not being raped. Restores faith in humanity.

He sat with me in my car too until daylight when I felt safe enough to drive. I repaid him with a lift home. He tried to get me to stay but I said no. Thank goodness.

This post SUCKS
My head is RETARDED
Wish I could sleep. There's a Marilyn Monroe movie on TV in an hour. But not one of my faves. Prince and Showgirl. Blah.

Oh yeah! That's what I was going to say! Nothing beats weighing in "morning after"... I know I'm completely dehydrated when I step on the scales but seeing a low number is motivating. When I'm hungover I like to weight myself then think, right, now stay under that!

This morning it was 54.7 kg (120.3 lbs)

Now, forgive me, but I'm going to go have icecream for breakfast.
Fuck it, I feel like shit and its 2pm and I WANT IT

Friday, May 8, 2009

I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning

If I don't feel dizzy when I stand up
...I feel like a failure

Thursday, May 7, 2009

SPEWED (plus a crazy tip for the strong stomached)

Yeah well, what can I say.

The day went great and totally to plan but there was nothing I could do at the birthday dinner but eat. And when I was done I sat still and clasped my belly and counted the minutes til I could lock myself away and spew my ring up. Mmm, gross.

Anyway, recently have been investing a lot of thought into how to purge in the least harmful way possible. I'm trying to stop but there are times when it is inevitable. And a common tip is that rinsing your mouth with bicarb after vomiting can neutralise the acid on your teeth.

Which got me to thinking...
Why just minimise the harm AFTER the acid has hit your teeth?
Why not neutralise it before it even gets there?

Which led to me drinking down a whole lotta bicarb in water pre-purge and intra-purge and let me tell you: You know that experiment you do in 7th grade where you mix bicarb and vinegar together to make the lava bubble up out of a paper mache volcano? Well yeah, same thing pretty much happens in your stomach.

Still had to instigate vomiting, but after that it was basically projectile. It made it MUCH easier. I was completely impressed. I drank more and swished my mouth between bouts, and emptied my stomach in record speed.

Now I have no idea about the safety record of imbibing vast quantities of bicarb, so I'm not sure I should be recommending this, but I'm certainly doing it again next time.

Oh, and it tastes like SHIT


I'm so freaking anxious today
and I can't for the life of me figure out why
or resolve it


I'm surprised I haven't shot back up after going so far off the rails for so long

Had a fantastic day yesterday, only 350cal
Today is going well too, only 100 so far but there's a big family birthday dinner tonight which could be risky. If I restrict too much leading up to it I'll binge for sure, but I still need to keep my cals low to allow for it. Or purge... but we all know that's NOT a good idea.

Can't bring myself to exercise. At. All.
Feel guilty about the money being wasted on my gym membership.
But I just really really super duper don't want to do it.

I know it seems a little unorthodox, but I'm thinking of revising my goal weight UP. To maybe 53kg (116.5 lbs). I think in the future I'll want to get it down lower. In the meantime it would be good if I could maintain there for a few months, even if just so people get used to me at my new size and stop prying into my eating. But I definitely want to get far enough below 55 to STAY below it. So really that means I need to power through this last 3kgs then regroup. Totally do-able.

I'm thinking 2-4-6-8 might work well for me...

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Today I did:


For the first time in ages. Not great. But bloody fucking OK!

Went to the psychologist I've been seeing for depression (so passe) and blurted out an oral version of my previous post. Sex, spew and rock and roll. I've never talked about eating stuff with her before, but I figured she'd done a nice job of "gaining my trust" and "developing a rapport" (they teach us how to do this in medicine too, it's so obvious but it really works) so I thought she deserved my disclosure. Plus she's lovely and adorable and excellent to talk to. It felt great to talk about it. Just bouncing ideas off her. With no judgment and no pressure to change. Really, anyone who needs someone to talk to face to face but wants to maintain their secrecy and anonymity, get yourself a clin psych. Particularly if you can see them for free through uni like me.

You girls are really my all

My psych asked of my ex ex "do you think he understood the magnitude of the secret you told him, how much it meant for you to tell him that?" and I said "no, not at all"

She knew, as you know, that this stuff is EVERYTHING

It amazes me the effort that goes into living life this way.
Desperately, hopelessly clawing and scratching the fat away from our bodies with bleeding fucking nails.
Every little thing
Messy, vomiting, starving, just every tiny thing we can do here and now to weigh just a little less. Such incredible desperation and distress.
People just don't get that

Today I ate:
2 baby apples 100
2 baby pears 100
1 plum 50
1/4 cup raspberries 50
1 carrot 0
1 handful snow peas 0
1 handful cherry tomatoes 0
Vietnamese chicken salad and 1/4 cup rice and some other prawny bits and stuff500ish

Total: 800

A month ago I'd have been horrified by that. But for now it's start. And it was all really good for my poor ragged body. Except the rice, but fuck it, it wasn't much!

Tomorrow will be even better. The claws are back out ladies. Time to scramble my way back up... back down

Monday, May 4, 2009

red eyes, blue gaze, you look like hell today...

...step out on parade, you do it so well

what a weekend,
what a mess,
what on Earth will I do now...

Slept with the ex boyfriend. Not the ex, but the ex ex. A boy (a man really, I suppose) who has been tinkering on the periphery of my life for several years. And who I periodically cheated on my ex with. Someone I love and hate with equal fervor such that the overall outcome is close to indifference. And someone who, in many years, after many more torrid romances with many different men, I feel I will inevitably give up and marry. And live out the rest of my indifferent life.

The great irony is that I slept with him on Saturday night. On Saturday day I had dismantled my ex boyfriend's big queen sized bed (which had been residing at my house) and bought myself a beautiful, white, brass and iron single bed. Pristine, perfect, single. A symbolic (and expensive) gesture intended to signify the transition into the next phase of my life.

And then
I fucked up
I fucked him in it
I fucked him in it the first night
when I hadn't even had ONE NIGHT in it alone

So that was disappointing, but it was only the beginning of a much greater mistake. All day on Saturday I had been feeling horribly lonely. Worthless and disgusting, and like there was nobody in my life who I could share my dirty lonely secrets with. I cried and cried for the first time in weeks.

So after he slept over on Saturday night I decided he might be the person for me to tell. Someone I'm not too emotionally entangled with for it to matter if he no longer saw me the same way. Someone sufficiently detached from the rest of my life that he wouldn't pop up as a reminder and someone who could keep a secret. And someone who might... care. Maybe.

But I couldn't do it sober, so in a great romantic gesture I sneaked to the shops and spent all my money on champagne, strawberries and pastries and thought I'd have a beautiful day, get a little tipsy, and declare my disorder. He refused my offerings, so I downed the lot myself. It wasn't enough to loosen my tongue. So I topped it off with sleeping pills, gin and cointreau and kept at it until I was a revolting mess. Then in a tearful blur I blurted out that I have bulimia.

He stayed until Monday morning.
But he never looked at me the same way again.
And I don't think he cares.
He just doesn't think I'm perfect anymore.
And he used to be the only person who did.

I could murder myself.
I could kill to get my secret back.

Dearest Lulu:

Sticking to the promise
Did throw up after a bottle of champagne, but it wasn't deliberate, so I don't think it counts. Thankyou, and thanks Ophelia and Savory and everyone for the support


Saturday, May 2, 2009

losing it

I'm a fucking mess

Eating normally has been a horrible failure. The eating part is fine, except any time I get near a toilet or shower I purge. I can't not do it. I tell myself I won't, but before I can blink my finger is down my throat and my "normal healthy diet" is in an ugly pile around the plug hole.


If I restrict, I'm happy with what I'm feeding my body and I don't purge. But I'm losing the power to do it. And the more I try the more I binge.

I don't know what to do
I'm in hell