Saturday, October 31, 2009


See this?


THIS is the face of a girl who wants desperately, DESPERATELY, to throw up all her halloween candy.

THIS is the face of a girl who cannot get away with throwing up anything right now.

THIS is the lipstick besmeared face of bitter fucking irony.


All you can do is laugh

Friday, October 30, 2009

Today I ate my weight in icecream...

My weight was nicely down this morning. Blessed hangover weight. But the scent of self sabotage was in the air and I filled myself to the brim with various confections. I emptied myself again, but never quite enough, and I'm sure I'll be fatter tomorrow.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Guess What?

I just had my last day of uni


that is, I am now pretty much a doctor.

I am also very drunk, as one tends to be when they finish uni and become a doctor. And I am surrounded by boys who are drinking and celebrating. And a couple of them just screeched away in their vehicle and from their window they yelled out at me "you are a fucking slut".

And they don't realise how much it stings. How could they? When I have spent every moment of my life deliberately and carefully guarded. Never getting too close or being too cosy or having anyone know me in case they see that I am not good enough. Yet despite my care and despite my distance I am a "fucking slut".

And I look in the mirror and even though I am drunk and my guard is down, all I see is fat fat fat. And I think that because I am drunk and because my guard is down maybe, for once, I will see a true reflection of myself and it won't horrify me. And all I see is fat fat fat.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Watching the Clock


Want to binge

I'm not going to though. I'm going to have a shower and go to bed. Today has been about 600 calories. My weight is plateauing something terrible at the moment but I just don't think I can go much below that for now. Still, 2 days and no chucking. It's a win.

Love you all my darlings. If not for your support I'm certain I'd never have made it.


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

finally, beloved bedtime

I did it!
I CAN do it!

I held out and held out and by 7pm I reached a sort of tipping point. Where the space of time I needed to fill until I could go to sleep was small enough that I was confident I could get through it without eating. And once that confidence hit me, it was easy.

So now here I am, sitting in my bed, ready to lay back and shut my eyes and forget about the hunger growling away in my belly. A day without vomiting, a long time coming. And worth the effort.

Oh Blah!

I haven't had a good day in ages.

I keep starting off OK then as the day goes on it just gets worse and worse, building up steam, and I'm without fail puking in the shower every night before bed. I haven't had an all out binge in a while. Just bits and pieces creeping their way in until it's all just a wee bit WAY bit too much.

Every morning I wake up and think righto! Good day today. Never happens. Right now it's 4.14pm and I've already had 500 calories today and all I'm thinking is food food FOOD! Aaaah crap. I wonder if I should just go buy myself a big fucking bit of cake and a litre of icecream and get the fucker over with.

But then I know I just need ONE decent fucking day to lift myself out of this.

God fucking dammit.

Sunday, October 25, 2009


I wrote my previous post in a drunken stupor following a night I can barely remember. One thing is for certain, it wasn't literal. More a... forging blindly into the dark with branches whipping your face desperately escaping... sort of run. It was a good night though. So I'm told.

I really want to detox. 3 day water fast followed by 2 day juice fast followed by 2 days raw to round off a week. It sounds so magnificent and fantastic. I want to feel that freshness. Cool. Air, light and water. Sunset silhouettes and balmy breezes.

But it seems I'm never alone or in control enough to live out such a plan. And any time I'm steered even a little off course I do terribly. I just want my own little deserted island with nothing but swaying palm trees and bubbling springs. Dip in my toes. Juice a few coconuts on days 4 and 5. Maybe a mango on day 6.

Friday, October 23, 2009

what the fuck can you do except RUN

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Existential Crisis

Who am I?

Tonight I am suffering. I can't get out of my own head. I don't know where all this comes from. I don't know how I can continue to function when I am so dysfunctional. Somehow I am supported, held upright, by all the structures in place around me. I have constructed this life around myself but I am completely lost in the middle of it. My feet don't even touch the ground anymore. The person I am is a lifeless doll propped upright by a tower of scaffolding. Construct construct construct, buy things, dress this way, make up that way, consume consume consume, accumulate.


Building this life around myself from the inside out, a giant protective ball against some aggressor I don't even remember. Effective at first, then increasingly entropic and now completely out of control. Exponentially increasing chaos. Like the rat, continually pressing its button for a hit of dopamine until it dies. Quick, desperate, positive reinforcement. Now a rapidly spiraling, completely nonsensical set of behaviours I can't change.


What was wrong with me? What was so bad that I had to bury myself underneath all of this? Who the fuck was I? Who am I?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

hot summer nights

I calmly binged and threw up tonight. The pressure just kept mounting, the craving intensifying. I didn't feel too terrible or out of control, I just decided to do it and get it over with. I'm hoping the release will be enough to stave off the urge for a few good days. I certainly feel disgusting now that it's over. I generally do afterward. Groggy and ill. Stale. Stagnant.

All I'm craving now is hot summer nights and cold summer drinks.
Wooden floors boards, open windows, warm sticky night air, quiet and distance and breeze and strangeness. Sweat, humidity, contemplation. Stillness. Dark and stars.

Monday, October 19, 2009


I've been battling, really battling, to stay afloat these last few days. I've been persistently wanting to binge and throw up. I made it through yesterday. Today I was doing well, throwing everything I had against the flood gates, but in the end I sprung a few leaks. A little low fat ice cream, a little more, a handful of nuts, a handful of muesli, gentle purging, acceptable calorie total. My flood gates cracked, but I barricaded those fuckers with all my might and they didn't crumble. I did OK.

I think normally I'm either strong, and suppress the urge, or I'm weak, and I give in to it immediately. At the moment, I'm not strong enough to push the feelings away but I'm desperately trying to resist them. It is really exhausting me. I'm feeling desperate. I'm dog paddling against the current and it's only a matter of time until I drown.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

a kind twist of fate

I decided on a late night trip to the shop. I hadn't committed to anything... I was just bored and wanted the pleasure of perusing the aisles and imagining the possibilities. I decided to walk there, a fast paced 20 minutes away, to kill some time and create some movement. After significant supermarket meandering I settled on a roll of cookie dough and was deliberating around the ice cream freezer when I was confronted head on by a uni friend and his mates, out to buy post-weekend-bender juice. Gosh! The shock! While out shopping for a binge! I passed off the cookie dough as a moment of poor decision, replaced it on the shelf, and treated myself to the most expensive sparkling mineral water they had. 1 litre in a magnificent glass bottle for $6. Outrageous, but less than the cost of the ice cream and cookie dough I might have had instead had my plans not been interrupted. So all in all I stayed around 500-600 calories for the day, got in a bonus 40 minute walk to the shops and back, and now I'm going to bed purge-free.

Thank you universe

a day in the life: a day in the nest

Another night, another failure, falling to sleep midst silent promises of grandeur and accomplishment come morn. Another morning, another failure. This time of movement and motivation.

It was a delightful and guiltless failure though. Started with early morning waking and creeping sunlight, heat and sweat in rumpled sheets. Just a little blogging to start my day. Curling up drinking hot water and lemon. Laptop, cats and slow unraveling. One blog leads to another, one link leads to another, one silly BBC anorexia documentary leads to another leads to bulimia with Dr Phil on youtube. And let's not forget endless reams of celebrity gossip and scandal, diet secrets of the stars, fabulous detox programs to transform your life and hours of veritable weight loss delight.

And thus begins (with shout out to Anise) my day in the nest.

Finally some time late this afternoon I hauled myself up, scrubbed my face and went to the markets. I bought fresh fruit and vegetables then dithered around the bakery eying off the last minute Sunday afternoon sales. Huge trays of jam donuts and chocolate croissants being cleared out for next to nothing. To and fro. Would I or wouldn't I? I wouldn't. I used my money instead to buy flowers. Then I ate salad and fresh fruit in the sunshine.

I'm not out of the woods yet, though. Still I know I kind of sort of maybe want to. Just pop down the late night gourmet supermarket and pore over the muffins. Cake, warm with ice cream. Biscuits dipped in hot chocolate with marshmallows.

Ssshhh, Pasco

Have a cup of tea
And return to the nest

Saturday, October 17, 2009


Last night my skirt was short and shiny, my heels were high, my waist was thin and I felt awesome. Hungry and awesome and as I looked across the sea of bodies and faces I surged with power. I didn't eat and therefore I was better than them. I was electric.

Today was hot and delicious, but I was sent haywire by a chocolate doughnut I insisted on resisting. The fury of denying something I craved so intensely burned through me all day and I became irate and reckless. I ended up imbibing every form of compensation available to me - cheese, nuts, dried fruit, chocolate - then threw up this evening following dinner with my family.

The storm after the power surge. But where is the calm?

Friday, October 16, 2009


...maybe in Australia our doughnuts are just way smaller or lighter than anywhere else in the world. But averaging out all the brands I looked up, 300 was a reasonably high estimate... (not advocating doughnuts to anybody though)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Ate the jam doughnut
Looked it up - around 300 calories was right
Ate a small portion of the dinner my sister made when I got home
And some light ice cream.

But I stuck to my small portions, actually felt reasonably satisfied and did not allow thoughts of purging to even wash over my cerebrum afterward. For a tiny moment I glimpsed normal.

Finished up around 900 calories for the day
I'm pleased with that.

At War

Today has been hard. It is still being hard. I'm so tired. Bereft of any motivation. I can't stop thinking about food, and I can't be bothered doing anything so as to distract myself.

But I'm still battling on

It's 4.30pm. I had a boiled egg for breakfast, a piece of ham and some strawberries for lunch and lots of raw veg throughout the day. Trying to kid my stomach into believing it is being properly fed. Around 200 calories in total. I don't count raw veg calories. I'm of the firm belief that it is impossible to eat enough raw veg for the calories to make much of a dent. And I need the nutrients. Of course scary vegetables like potatoes don't count as vegetables at all. No siree, even I can't pretend those calories don't exist.

Still all thoughts on food. In half an hour I'm going shopping with my housemate. This will create a distraction. Unfortunately we are going to Ikea, and she has a "thing" for dodgy fatty Ikea food. I am going to be pushed into a jam doughnut I can feel it. Last time we went to Ikea I resisted and resisted and played the "already ate" card then stood around awkwardly while she ate. I won't get away with it again. If I call a jam doughnut dinner, hopefully it won't be much more than 300 calories and I can call it a day at 500. Then again, I'm sure it will probably be more than 300. May as well be a million. It is not part of my plan.

I could give myself the day off today, enjoy a junky Ikea dinner and be good tomorrow. But it doesn't work like that. You can't "enjoy" anything when you feel that hateful angry guilty twinge in the back of your brain. And once I've let my guard down I'll only go mad and eat continuously until I puke.

When you lose the battle
You may as well give up the war

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Day 3 = Damn!

I'm going to call it partial fail.
200 calories
then gallery opening this evening
involving 3 glasses of red
then dinner
including another 2 glasses of red
plus dessert.


but cut short the urge to binge "since I'd blown it anyway" when I got home...

so make of it what you will. I just need to make sure this doesn't turn into a whole lot of "why bother?" since I've already fucked up. Gotta ignore the set back and stick to the program.

Still tipsy and got a kitty begging for lights out and snuggly time.

Goodnight you incredible undiscovered wonders

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


1 boiled egg for breakfast
Broccoli and cauliflower for lunch
A nectarine
A kiwifruit
Salad and tuna for dinner
Diet jelly

Around 400 calories

Now an early night to make sure today ends without the threat of cake!

2 days
Fingers crossed for 3

Monday, October 12, 2009

Purge Free Days: 1

1 boiled egg for breakfast
Half a punnet of strawberries and cherry tomatoes for lunch
A carrot
An apple
Small chicken salad for dinner

Around 400 calories


Turned down the wine
Passed on the doritos
No thank you to curry

Couldn't get out of the chocolate cake

Perhaps another 400

wanted to

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Once upon a time...

...I could do this.

I could stop eating and weight would fall off me and I would feel airy and breathless all at once. My chest would flutter and my head would be light and I would float through my days, calm in the knowledge that I was getting thinner and prettier and the world was getting better.

I know the science and I know the statistics and I know that food deprivation tends to lead to binging and distress and loss of control. An inability to ever properly feel either hunger or fullness. I know that most anorexics generally become bulimics. But I thought, no, I have a mind, a consciousness, control. I know what I want. I won't cave in. I am not powerless.

so how did this happen? How can I be so irrational? How can this hateful beast inside me keep feeding me and then forcing it back out of me? This battle is awful. It's horrible. I hate it. I don't want to eat. So why do I? How can such tiny hidden hormone imbalances and neurotransmitters and blood sugar levels conspire so strongly to beat even my own conscious mind???

I don't know what to do! I want to stop eating again. I want to go back on a 500 calorie a day calories restriction again. Once upon a time 500 calories a day seemed enormous! But this thing inside me won't let me. I am throwing up ALL the time. I am bulimic. Actually really and truly all-DSM-criteria-met diagnostic fucking bulimic!

This isn't what I want but it is so SO hard to go back from this place to that place. I feel fat, vile and loathsome. I've been sitting around 55kg but I feel it creeping, nudging it's way upwards. I want to maintain. But I want to get back down to 50 first. And the more I push the more I am defeated. The harder I try the further I get from where I want to be. That is how this works. I know that.

You can't cure this.
This is hell.

Most of us end up here, at least for a while. I know you are feeling me. But fuck. Fuck it's hard. Sometimes you get out for a brief moment. Feel a glimmer of hope. But then you slide right back down.

This is hell.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


messy messy messy MESS
i cannot stop. i talk to myself out loud. i SCREAM at myself. plead with myself. PLEASE fucking PLEASE but no. no NO NO because still hand to mouth hand to mouth hand to mouth all fucking day.

hand to mouth
hand to mouth
hand to mouth
finger to throat
nothing nothing nothing
finger to throat

hand to fucking mouth FUCK YOU

it really is like there is this part of me that hates myself so much. hears my pleas. please please just stop. and it looks at me sideways, crooked grin, winks at me, then grabs fistfuls of hate and rams them into my mouth.

hand to mouth
throw up

and i'm still happy. kind of. in a miserable whirlwindy kind of way. i'm seeking people. i've lost satisfaction in isolation. the solace of sadness is gone. i want life but life kicks the fucking shit out of me.

i'm happy but i'm hurting more than ever.
fuck it. i'm not happy. this isn't happiness.

i don't know where i am
but i know i don't like it

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

all over the place

I think if you carried me up 18 flights of stairs, positioned me on the edge of a balcony and gave me a gentle nudge, my brain all over the pavement would probably still be more together than how it seems now.

I am all over the place but I still feel happy.

Everything is messy and disorganised. I'm still wallowing in my own filth. Still sleeping in an unmade bed I share with cats. I have one on my chest right now. I have been drinking much too much. Eating is bad. Disorder reigns. But I still feel happy.

On the weekend I got drunk and brought a boy home. He head butted me in the face and walked out on me because I wouldn't sleep with him. And possibly because he cottoned onto my insanity. It was more complicated than that, perhaps, and the headbutting was an accident. Still, now I'm all alone, rejected, abandoned, with a BLACK EYE and still... happy.

Ohhhhh but woe is me, why can't I have both? Why are happiness and skinniness mutually exclusive? I'm trying to think of a new plan. Something maintenancey... I'm not really at a weight I WANT to maintain at the moment, but I'm too rational in the head to talk myself into starvation.

Pasco x