Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Existential Crisis

Who am I?

Tonight I am suffering. I can't get out of my own head. I don't know where all this comes from. I don't know how I can continue to function when I am so dysfunctional. Somehow I am supported, held upright, by all the structures in place around me. I have constructed this life around myself but I am completely lost in the middle of it. My feet don't even touch the ground anymore. The person I am is a lifeless doll propped upright by a tower of scaffolding. Construct construct construct, buy things, dress this way, make up that way, consume consume consume, accumulate.


Building this life around myself from the inside out, a giant protective ball against some aggressor I don't even remember. Effective at first, then increasingly entropic and now completely out of control. Exponentially increasing chaos. Like the rat, continually pressing its button for a hit of dopamine until it dies. Quick, desperate, positive reinforcement. Now a rapidly spiraling, completely nonsensical set of behaviours I can't change.


What was wrong with me? What was so bad that I had to bury myself underneath all of this? Who the fuck was I? Who am I?


  1. I wish I had an answer for you...for myself...for all of us.

    I have spent so much time trying to figure out how this all started. Now I am wondering if it even matters 'how'. Maybe I should focus on making it stop.

    Oh sweet Pasco. You ask the ageless question and all I can think to tell you is that whoever you were/ are loved.


  2. I too wish I had the answer for you Pasco but it's "within you." I know what it's like to be a puppet on a string...strings you created, time to take control? Is it time for you to renovate this "theatre" of yours?

    I love you Pasco! And I only know you in blog, I can see in your words how powerful you are.

    Take Risks.
    Find out which strings are worth keeping and which are only holding you back.
    You don't have to fall if you don't want to.


  3. OH PASCO!! where have i been the last few days while you were suffering in exquisitely written and beautiful posts?? the answer is: i have actually been in the same universe as you, the one that's slightly off kilter from the one everyone else is living in, only oh-so-slightly off kilter that no one but us notices.
    i am summoned to eat by my own biology, and either eating and throwing up or not eating and drinking one thousand diet cokes, and in either case my teeth are starting to feel like shells of themselves. as am i. i know ALL ABOUT your identity crisis. i am there too. i am having a nice one right now. it's such a happy little fun time, isn't it. i am considering therapy just in order to get to the bottom of this and see what's under it all, because i know there's something and i'm just so damned curious. and falling apart.

    anyway i think we are having some serious simpatico. so the best i can say is that whatever you're feeling, and however awful and confusing and shiftless it is, i am feeling the EXACT same fucking thing and crying about it and eating tons of food too. ok, does that help? it is help me. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH US? we are clearly both amazing and intelligent and beautiful people, and yet... (SIGH).

    i love you. keep writing. these days you are the one who keeps me writing. :D

    xx x x

  4. Oh hun... I don't really know what to say... Find hope? Get better? It's not that easy. Keep writing, I admire your honesty.
    x x x

  5. Oh wow, this is written so intensely; I truly hope you can find some peace.

    I can relate to these words and questions. I hate moving on autopilot but it's all I can do now, and I don't know why. None of us knows, or can know. Suffering is largely internal.
    Stay Strong. Just having this chance at life means we are SPECIAL!

    Love & Peace .

  6. What a good question - one i ask myself often!

    How did i go from motivated and relatively untroubled to this huge ball of neuroses and ridiculous narcissistic introspection?!?

    Thank you for your comment, from anyone else it wouldnt be that comforting to hear "you'll shock them next time" but somehow i believe you when you say it.

    big love. xx

  7. It's because there's always a friction between how you imagine, or want, yourself to be and how you are peceived. If you turn yourself into a commodity by letting yourself be permeated by wants that can't be achieved, you'll further your problem/s. See Blaise Pascal.

    Your existential crisis is shared by everyone else.