Thursday, April 7, 2011

Epilogue (maybe)

Is that what this is?

Was rambling round the internet and stumbled right back here. I thought I ought to write something. So I guess an update on my life in general.


The date turned into a boyfriend, a serious one, he lives with me now.
Somehow despite spending almost all our time together I managed to surreptitiously throw up every day for the last week. But I didn't throw up at all in the preceding week. I have high hopes for the week to come.

So things still wax and wane. I am happier, I must be, because I'm happy with him. And I love him, and he's better than I deserve. I don't feel entirely involved in our relationship a lot of the time, as though I'm just floating along in it and going with the flow. If he conducts my life for me it doesn't matter so much that I can't control it.

I am not thin. And I feel incredibly far from it, separated more by time than weight gain. I'm still "too fat" but haven't gained weight in a while. It is just such a long long while since I lost any. I look back on pictures of myself at the pinnacle of my blog and my lowest weight. It was so long ago, and I wish I didn't like the way I looked back then quite as much as I do. I really do. I wish it wasn't so painful getting there, and I don't think I could do it now if I tried. Sometimes I do try. It never works.

So I guess I just keep floating on. Sometimes I think I want to get help again, then I realise it would be impossible to do it without the boy finding out. Sometimes I think I should tell him, sometimes I nearly do. We tell each other everything, we have no secrets. This doesn't feel like a secret though, because I feel like it is not true, it is not who I am, it is temporary. It has been temporary for years now...

But if I play the game forever, eventually I will win.


Saturday, December 4, 2010

and a month on

the sun is shining

I have stopped drinking
(let's call it a hiatus)
lost 2 kilos
am feeling more positive
and tomorrow night I have a date with a very handsome boy
who, quite possibly, might not be a horrible arsehole

I will post again when I have more good news


Sunday, November 7, 2010

i have realised...

...that now-a-days the only times I ever blog are when I'm drunk.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


this weekend I am fixing it
this weekend I am doing it
my life is an awful pile of shit
it is a tragic and pitiful waste
I've had enough

I see the life I want
clear as crystal

I'll never get there
but I can at least get as far as I can from here

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

hate this

why can't I just fix my life?
why am I just so shit?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

i want

i want so badly to give you something

today i had some green vegetables steamed with a little soy sauce for lunch
and some carrot and celery sticks and a mango for dinner

and now im soooooo drunk

but believe you me, girls,
it's worth it.

By golly
Stay drunk and startlingly emptytis all

tis all I gor

Monday, October 11, 2010

I think I'm a bit over this.

Anyone still read?
Anyone give a shit if I sod off?

Sunday, October 3, 2010


Tonight I drank bleach
because I was too drunk to throw up

I threw up

And now I am so clean
Horrifically lemony fresh


This is absurd

To think I was so proud when I woke up this morning.

This is not just an all new low
It is so much more
It is the embodiment of my imminent demise
The intensity of me desperation

I am so fucked
So fucked

I know now I am probably going to die from this

Saturday, October 2, 2010


Yesterday I didn't binge or purge.

I wasn't really trying, I was just busy all day.
I hung out with a friend, went out for lunch, did some shopping, got a hair cut, came home and went to bed around 11pm.

It was the sort of day I imagine perfect people have. Not really caring or thinking about food. Eating out and able to enjoy it, but then too busy and carefree and not-eating-disordered to even think to eat for the rest of the day.

This morning I feel good.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

...or maybe I'm just not ready

will I ever be?