Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I'm not sure I'm cut out for this any longer

I'm really no good at it. And yet I'm too terrified of normal meals and normal eating to break free of it. Guess I'll just bumble along in the same sloppy fashion indefinitely. If only I felt a little more inspired. I need a goal, something to really strive for, instead of this ambiguous dissatisfaction.

I miss my old blog life, too. For a while I was following so many bloggers that it took me hours to read everybody's posts. So I stopped adding new ones. Now all my dear old friends seem to have slipped away and my reading list is rarely updated. It's sad! I'm a little lonely. My anonymous hate comments will soon outnumber the rest! They're fun, but in moderation.

Anise? Savory? Lulu? Can you recommend me anyone good to follow?

Maybe I should just let my blog wither and die like the others.
Let's face it, it's getting pretty stale.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Today was good

Worked: 15 hours
Walked: most of those
Saved: maybe 3 people
Killed: none (yet)
Ate: 1200 kcal
Vomited: nil

Sunday, June 27, 2010


Life is getting hazy

Too much vomiting, daily, at least, and electrolytes all over the place. Long hours of work, seemingly coping but all that rallying my resources to get through the day and there is nothing left when I get home. Then I blank out the blur even more with drink and diazepam.

All I need is a simple and fail safe plan to get me through this next week. I am so tired I cannot think of a thing.

Maybe in the morning I'll step on the scales and try to claw myself back to reality.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010



I fucking love you, dude! Keep up the hilarious commentary. I mean, damn, I'm a chubby U-duckling? Ouch! 'Scuse me while I slash my wrists...


Do you provide this service to other bloggers or am I special? If you are giving anybody else similar attention then please, do let me know who. I just can't get enough! In future onslaughts, appropriate syntax and grammar would be appreciated. I'll allow for creative license, of course. I wouldn't want to restrict your unbounded creativity!


Sunday, June 20, 2010

dust yourself off, Pasco

Dust yourself off and start again.
Start again again.

Start again, again and again
Just keep going
Keep trying

You are OK
You will be OK
There is hope left
You needn't be so frightened

crap and fat


Thursday, June 17, 2010


Work is crazy

As a student doing prac I would stare at the clock all day, willing the time to pass so I could go home. Now I stare at the clock all day, willing it to slow down so I can get all my work done in time to make it home at a reasonable hour. I'm so busy I can't get bored.

And so busy that today I did not have time to eat. I could have made the time if I needed it. But I did not have time to think about it and it was so easy to just keep starving away. I ate my apple but the salad I bought on the way to work to have for lunch remains at work for my lunch tomorrow.

I must have walked 50 flights of stairs too. Thousands of steps. Constantly flipping between wards and racing to meetings and responding to pages. Rarely standing still, rarer still to be sitting down.

When I got home I had a mountain of cooked veges and salad, with fruit for dessert. It was all still too much and I still purged a little bit, which was stupid. I could have stopped eating much sooner, but I thought "I'm allowed this so I will eat it all" then became uncomfortably full. Uncomfortable physically, and psychologically. That feeling is frightening, even when you know there aren't all that many calories in you.

All in all, a good day for me.

Work is exhausting. It is frustrating. It is incredibly stressful. Tomorrow I'm at work from 7am til 11pm.

But work will make me rich and it will make me thin.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Half a Glass

Not full
Not empty
Just half a glass.

My plan is working... kind of. I'm not buying extra food but bits and pieces are creeping toward me from outside sources. I have been purging a little bit. I am trying to stay positive... I'm overeating a little at the ends of my meals, but no real binges. And my purges are relatively gentle and still getting up all of the excess (and probably half of what I should be keeping down).

The fact that I'm struggling with my plan is not good
But the fact I'm not binging is not terrible

Just sort of a half glass of who knows what

Tuesday, June 15, 2010



Let's none of us ever weigh more than what we do right now

Monday, June 14, 2010

"the inside voices on the outside"

they are all around
who knows what is theirs and what is ours?

and now, in bed, glimmer, hope. flatter, lighter, cravings abate. satisfaction descends. what of tomorrow? maybe, something good

glimmer glimmer glimmer

No Quick Fixes

It's shit. All we ever want is a quick fix.

I was just reading Lulu, torn between trying to shed the weight with the desperate DROP IT RIGHT NOW mentality, and the hideous reality that this never ever works. I know so many people who lost heaps of weight and I don't know ANY that kept it off. I can't be one of those. I can't suffer that shame.


And it doesn't work. The weight that was pouring off me this time a year ago is back. And this time it is sticky. It takes huge and desperate measures to melt off even a tiny bit of it, only to have it squelching it's way back on moments later.

I am so so hungry right now and it doesn't feel good and I don't feel powerful.


This morning I decided to kick start my new plan with a day of juice fasting. I could have my salad dinner on the way home if I needed it. I decided I didn't. Then when I got home my resolve dissolved as my desperate hands found a cold piece of pizza in the fridge and my starving mouth chomped through half of it. I already recounted my demise to my dear friend Anise. She who truly understands the strangeness of a mind trapped somewhere between starvation and desperation.

Half a piece of pizza, maybe 200 calories, maybe less. 300 calories of juice. I feel I can make it to the end of the day without consuming any more. I still feel like it wasn't good enough. And worse, the thought of endless days of the same ahead... What a horrible fate.

I won't be fat and I can't be thin.


When will this feel good again?
When will I feel powerful and magical again?

Please, someone show me the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sunday, June 13, 2010


Time to try again.

I start a new hospital job tomorrow. One that will be hellishly busy, with horrendously long hours and a lot of inevitable pain and tears. But I will have finished shift work. I will have routine, and I'll have my hands so occupied with work that there will be little time left for them to go delving into the fridge.

The first part of the plan is to stop grocery shopping. I will not keep food in the house. I will learn to associate home with a state of emptiness. It is not the place I eat anymore. It will not trigger me and I will not be plagued by a restless desperate need to put hand to mouth.

On the way to work, I will buy my lunch for the day. A salad, a punnet of cherry tomatoes, a couple of bits of fruit perhaps. Maybe a can of tuna. Light, healthy things to sustain me through work. On the way home from work I will buy dinner. Alternatively, I will go out for dinner. A glass of wine and a beautiful meal in a restaurant. Salads, of course. Fish. Entree size, if you please. Bread basket? No thank you. But delicious, social, and most importantly, teaching me to have happy and normal associations with food.

I need to find love for food again. See it as pleasure, instead of punishment. I don't binge because I enjoy it. There is a sickness in me that wants me to hurt myself.

Well, not anymore.
Taking control back.


Monday, June 7, 2010


I took a big self esteem hit tonight
It hit me hard, like a bullet

I am perceptive

People tell me I read too much into things,
I am paranoid,

But I always end up being right

And tonight I was right and I was not wanted.
I can't be bothered explaining the details,
Just know this:


Sunday, June 6, 2010



can't quite make a sentence of it
Save to say my left eye is closed
as I squint and try and make my keyboard make sense

and I realise I am so in love with so many things
and nothing loves me back

and clearly,
through squinted eyes
all I lack is self esteem

Oh I'm sorry but this will be a no good very bad post
because I can't think straight or even type

every letter iis effort

I am innnnnnebriated

Stilll compelled to saay helllloooo to you all

ohhhhhhhh I'm ao sorry


WHAT is this even aboutt?
I don't know

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Morning Has Broken

I wake up positive.

I am a morning person. Always have been. One of those annoying children who rises with the sun and races into mum and dad's room, bounding onto their bed demanding plans for the new day. At boarding school I would force myself to stay in bed until the wakeup call, while others forced themselves out after it.

There's a little twinkle of optimism in this. I wake up excited, brimming with anticipation of a fresh new day, flooded and driven and so desperate to embark on the day's activities that I can't bear to stay in bed.

It is always so fleeting and I waste it so quickly...

So today I'm making the moment last a little longer. Sitting in my bed and documenting this feeling. Promise and potential as yet unspoiled. Today will be a good day.