Monday, June 14, 2010

No Quick Fixes

It's shit. All we ever want is a quick fix.

I was just reading Lulu, torn between trying to shed the weight with the desperate DROP IT RIGHT NOW mentality, and the hideous reality that this never ever works. I know so many people who lost heaps of weight and I don't know ANY that kept it off. I can't be one of those. I can't suffer that shame.


And it doesn't work. The weight that was pouring off me this time a year ago is back. And this time it is sticky. It takes huge and desperate measures to melt off even a tiny bit of it, only to have it squelching it's way back on moments later.

I am so so hungry right now and it doesn't feel good and I don't feel powerful.


This morning I decided to kick start my new plan with a day of juice fasting. I could have my salad dinner on the way home if I needed it. I decided I didn't. Then when I got home my resolve dissolved as my desperate hands found a cold piece of pizza in the fridge and my starving mouth chomped through half of it. I already recounted my demise to my dear friend Anise. She who truly understands the strangeness of a mind trapped somewhere between starvation and desperation.

Half a piece of pizza, maybe 200 calories, maybe less. 300 calories of juice. I feel I can make it to the end of the day without consuming any more. I still feel like it wasn't good enough. And worse, the thought of endless days of the same ahead... What a horrible fate.

I won't be fat and I can't be thin.


When will this feel good again?
When will I feel powerful and magical again?

Please, someone show me the light at the end of the tunnel.


  1. cut out junk food pasco
    do NOT eat it

    you don't have to be hungry
    eat some salad or fruit

    and drink some damn water

  2. :O

    I doooooooooooo

    Pizza is not my standard diet!

    Nor juice, for that matter. You may as well drink full fat coke (and before you state the obvious, I'm aware coke has no fat, it's just something the kids are saying these days). When I juice fast I have copious amounts of watered down fruit/veg/coconut juice. It's still stupid. I know.

  3. fuck off anon.

    you sound like the inside voices on the outside.

  4. i awoke this morning to your comment and it made me feel so much less alone. it made me able to get up and go walk the dogs BEFORE breakfast, and able to come home again and eat something small, something contained. so thank you. i think we're fighting the same battle right now. i've been trying not to throw up and haven't for a week (until yesterday, which we're just calling a slip up), and let me tell you, the relief at not throwing up for that week, it was so amazing, i was humming along on not-having-panic and not-having-obsessive-all-day-long-thoughts-about-inappropriate-foods and not-being-terrified-of-heart-attacks-or-electrolyte-imbalances-etc, and yes, the adrenaline from starving does kick in and you do feel on top of the world, it kicks in after a few days. but it's always see-sawing with feeling like shit and having to fight those thousand million food battles i'd just give into and eat and purge and eat and purge before. so i don't know which is worse: spending most of my time in the day fighting off the urge to eat, or spending most of my time in the day eating and puking. medically is one better than the other? emotionally, is one better than the other? to that i have to say yes, starving makes me less crazy, less emotional, less panicked. but FUCK. it's always that one food item that sneaks up on you unawares (your pizza, my butter almond biscuits) and before you know it it's too late.

    i wish, i wish so so badly i had never taught myself to throw up. but it seemed like the thing to do at the time. it used to be: don't eat, or eat-and-live-with-it. now there is a third variable (eat-and-throw-up) which contains myriad other variables (eat-a-small-amount-and-freak-out-and-try-to-tolerate-it, eat-a-small-amount-and-eat-more-to-throw-up (which is sickening, right?), eat-a-massive-amount-and-throw-up-and-panic-that-it-didn't-all-come-up, eat-a-massive-amount-and-throw-up-and-eat-more-massive-amounts-and-throw-up-more-and-so-on, etc.) it's a fucking addictive cycle. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

    i am SO TIRED of battling. but i can't not battle. i am more afraid of not battling than i am sick of the exhaustion of battling. if that made sense.

    BLARGH. sorry for the novel. i've missed you, you know! i hope today is a better day and you can put the pizza behind you. that was yesterday's disaster. today=new day. that is what i'm telling myself. i ate 3000+ kcal yesterday over the course of the day (that is not counting what was purged...i went a little nuts) and that is all over now. new day. all that crap. anyway. thank you for waking me up this morning with the comfort that you understand the insanity in my brain.

    also? first anonymous? FUCK OFF. :D

    xx x

  5. i'm terrified of being one of those people who lose heaps of weight and then pile it back on and then more.

    that actually could be my biggest fear.

    oh and i think that hunger will feel good again when you see the #s on the scale go down. but before that it feels like sh*t.


  6. i was trying to help, pasco. you said to show you the light at the end of the tunnel... i did. if you can't take it. i'm sorry.