Monday, November 30, 2009

life less

I am so utterly exhausted I can barely move.

Too early for bed, too tired to do anything. I've considered the video shop, but I doubt I could even concentrate on a movie. And there's always the lingering threat of bags of maltesers and microwave popcorn at the counter. All I can do is sit, and stare.

The plan I made last night was executed flawlessly today. Only I forgot how quickly starvation renders me entirely useless. I feel too accomplished to eat more now, although I think I probably should. Plan for tomorrow: protein bar for breakfast (150cal) then hit the shops all day and attempt to avoid all future meals. Salads if desperate.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Lovely Things

You lovely things. You lovely girls.
I take you for granted! I'm sorry.

You have diligently reminded me of my goals, and while I have sabotaged them significantly in the last week they are not yet out of reach. It will be hard work. But I can do it. I too can be a lovely lovely thing. Shimmering and svelte, an ethereal Christmas angel.

So the plan starts now!

Tomorrow I want to cleanse myself. Purge myself. Renew myself.
It starts tonight - laxatives then bed.

In the morning:
Diet pills
Caffeine pills

...then straight off to the...

30 mins resistance
30 mins treadmill/eliptical
90 mins yoga
30 mins pool, steam, sauna

Sweat, cleanse, empty, purify
Water water water water
Replace, replenish, refresh, renew

This will take me through to mid afternoon. I will feast on a delicious salad of leafy greens harvested from my own backyard. Nothing more. Crisp, fresh, pure, perfect.

Then just bide my time until bed once more.

Thank you all again


So alone

Somebody, anybody,
Say something meaningful.
I don't care

Just give me SOMETHING

Thursday, November 26, 2009

So today I:

Wrote off my mum's car
Got horribly drunk
Ate lots of food

the end

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Make Pretty

Feeling fat
Feeling ugly
Feeling like I can't be fucked even trying

Gotta make pretty
Gotta just get up, out of bed, just do it

Make pretty
Feel pretty


Monday, November 23, 2009

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

Or is it 1 step forward, 2 steps back?
I don't know yet because I don't know what I weigh.

When I woke on Saturday I weighed in at 53.8kg, meaning I'd lost my kilo for the week. All things going swimmingly that morning. The problem lay in the graduation ceremony that afternoon, which preceded an entire weekend of flowing champagne and reckless engorgement.

So, here I am waking up on Monday morning with a sore throat and swollen belly, recalling my chocolate honeycomb dinner last night and wondering how much of my good work I have undone in only 2 days. I shall never know because I vow to get back on track and not weigh myself until next Saturday. 5 more days. By then (fingers crossed) I will be strong and in control and somewhere around 53kg.

5 days
5 steps forward
0 steps back
Back on track

Eurghhh I feel sick


Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I thought running would make my day easier.
So terribly wrong. I was a mess.

My mind was so fragmented and hyper-irritable, driven to raging, screaming madness by the tiniest noise. Any interruption to my rambling ruminating internal dialogue was completely unbearable, intolerable. Trying to contain it and not let it escape in bursts of hatred towards those around me. Fuming, distant, withdrawn. Holding on, holding it in. At the same time just so achingly exhausted. Unable to do anything, not wanting to do anything, but frightened by the depths of meaninglessness and boredom. Panicked. Nothing much went wrong but everything felt wrong.

Just biological. Physiological. This must mean I'm starving. This is what happens to brains when they start to starve. Burnt out and brittle and hungry.

And it says to me, over and over, EAT AND THROW UP
do it
do it
do it
DO IT and until you do it I will not remit, I will not relent

But I didn't do it and I'm hurting inside and outside from fighting it. I want this day to end. I have done "so well" but every ounce of my fortitude has been expended beyond all possible capacity to get here. Still I have resisted my helpful tablets but if I am to survive tomorrow I feel there is no choice. I can't go it alone.

This is HARD
I forget how hard this is

I did it!

and it was so easy!

You know those runs where you feel as though you're flying along and your breath moves through you effortlessly and everything is perfect.

But it is not so much about the run as what it means for the rest of my day. Back in charge. Calm and strong and powerful.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

hiccupped, frowny face

Did brilliantly well all day, then was sabotaged by friends and booze this evening. I tried, reeeeally tried, to get out of it. Sort of.

The main culprits were red wine and chocolate. But I was able to end the evening early, throw most of it up in the shower, then head to bed where I now type this post. The damage is fairly nominal. the real damage will occur when I wake up tomorrow and all the motivation and power of the last 3 days will have evaporated and I will go "fuck it, why not binge and purge the day away like the ridiculous fucking bitch I am?!"

So really, what I need to do is wake up bright and fresh and keep going strong and not get derailed by a little bit of puked cab merlot. What would be really great would be if I got up at 6am and went for a run on the beach to compensate for my aberration and inspire a little progress.

The alarm is set. Wish me luck!

110110110110110 110!

So it would seem that so many of us have 110lbs in our goals and within our grasps! The ultimate Christmas gift, imminent and achievable!


50 for Christmas! 110lbs!
We'll keep each other accountable.

And Lulu, 115lbs by January, I'm keeping you accountable too my girl. Little Lulu ain't getting left behind, not ever!


Edit: Little dolls were the uppers and downers used by the glamorous darlings of Jacqueline Susann's Valley of the Dolls

Sunday, November 15, 2009

50 for Christmas - Little Dolls

By hook or by crook I'm going to get there!

The last 3 days I have eased into it. 400, 500 and 600 calories respectively. It has been easy, as it always is at the start of a fresh, new, motivated cycle. Although I don't like the way the numbers are creeping up. Tomorrow I will use pharmacological assistance to abolish my appetite and get in another splendidly low day. Plus a little housework. The two go hand in hand. I have enough pharmacological assistance to get me through every second day between now and Christmas, if I need it. But only if I need it. The last 3 days I haven't.

What's more, not a thought of throwing up. It is not on the agenda. Not on my mind. I hope it stays out of my mind for a while longer. If it worms it's way in, I'll cram it out again with my magic "little dolls".

Anyway I'm getting ahead of myself. I haven't blogged in so long! I've been so busy. But now just sunshine, curly straws and no responsibilities. And starvation, of course. So I weighed myself on Saturday morning and I was 55kg on the nose. It is bad, but better than I was expecting because I was a filthy horrible pig the preceding week. Still, I have over 5 weeks to love 5kg and I'm going to do it.

The plan?

Well, as above, my hyperactive friend has supplied me with my little dolls. Wonderful assistants, yes, but I'll need more than that. I've been meaning to come up with a proper plan since before I started restricting again on Saturday but never got the chance. I think for now a few bits and pieces to make up the framework. Ideas, guidelines. I'll see what I can form from them and etch out something a little more solid. So here goes:

  • 500 calories a day, less where possible, 600 where necessary

  • Eat 100 calories at a time, at 2 hour intervals

  • Incorporate plenty of protein - egg whites, protein bars, lean meat

  • Raw vegies still don't count as calories

  • Drinks buttloads of tea - green, peppermint, dandelion, whatever...

  • ...oh, plus hot water with lemon

  • Vast quantities of weird supplements, psyllium husks and apple cider vinegar

  • Caffeine pills on no-doll-days

  • Stimulant-free stay-in-bed days for moderation

  • Ease into running and enquire at new gym

  • Feel pretty to pass the time - painted nails, face masks and moisturizer

I will not weigh myself until next Saturday morning to see if I have lost the necessary kilo for the week. And fingers crossed for a little more. Because who am kidding? I'm aiming for 50 by Christmas but if I can come in at 49 I'll hardly be disappointed.

Huge love

Saturday, November 7, 2009

fiftythreeandahalfkilos in a cage

That's OK
Steady and coming down

Today I have plans to study all day with a boy I studied with all day yesterday and the day before. I'm fairly certain he loves me. I have told him in no uncertain terms that nothing can or will ever happen. But I can see how he thinks he is breaking through me, unearthing my defense mechanisms and discovering something underneath. Winning me over. It makes me feel manipulative. I'm stringing him along because I'm lonely and I need a friend, and a friend who thinks they've cracked me will be endeared to me even more. But I told him... in no uncertain terms I TOLD him.

I often wonder if I should just start a relationship with him, because he has earned it and expects it, even though I don't want it. I hate that feeling of being owned or obliged, trapped. I won't do it, it's not what I want. Sometimes it just seems easier. I feel like everyone wants to cage me. And I am too compliant and tired to fend for myself.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


This morning I can see little fragments of the life I want fitting together. Not much to eat for a couple of days. I cleaned my room. Immaculate and magnificent. Lying in my perfect bed, white linen and lace. Tiny fluffy white cat alseep on my legs. Balmy morning. Quiet, overcast but warm. Only noise soft harm from vintage fan, cool air across my face. No stress, no pressure.

Monday, November 2, 2009

All I Want For Christmas... a beautiful reflection

53 days
5 kilograms

I will be 50 for Christmas