Saturday, November 7, 2009

fiftythreeandahalfkilos in a cage

That's OK
Steady and coming down

Today I have plans to study all day with a boy I studied with all day yesterday and the day before. I'm fairly certain he loves me. I have told him in no uncertain terms that nothing can or will ever happen. But I can see how he thinks he is breaking through me, unearthing my defense mechanisms and discovering something underneath. Winning me over. It makes me feel manipulative. I'm stringing him along because I'm lonely and I need a friend, and a friend who thinks they've cracked me will be endeared to me even more. But I told him... in no uncertain terms I TOLD him.

I often wonder if I should just start a relationship with him, because he has earned it and expects it, even though I don't want it. I hate that feeling of being owned or obliged, trapped. I won't do it, it's not what I want. Sometimes it just seems easier. I feel like everyone wants to cage me. And I am too compliant and tired to fend for myself.


  1. I'm a sucker for that too... dont take the easy route here, because in the long run its the harder route and you KNOW THIS ALREADY. sure fire recipe for your head in the toilet.

    Dont settle. Wait. Its shit, but wait, because when you find him you will be dumbfounded you ever thought it was worth 'giving in' to anyone else. xx

  2. i hate feeling obligated.. it always makes me feel terrible.
    dont start a relationship with him if you dont want to though, because hell only end up hurt.

    btw, i LOVE youre blog, and esp the thinspo you post.

    stay strong hun!

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

  3. It's odd, that often the ones you are least interested in fall hardest. Almost seems like you should treat boys you like with distant curiosity and thinly veiled contempt, to have the desired effect. Oh well. You shouldn't date him just because you feel obligated. It would be an insult to you both.

  4. I've...done that much, much too often before. I don't like men, but I feel like my family expects it, and these guys - these sweet, beautiful guys - will work so hard, and everyone is pushing. So I feel like it's what's expected of me. And I'm never happy. And it's miserable.

    What made me decide to never do it again is realizing that not only am I cheating myself, but I'm cheating them, too. Why do I have a right to keep such a sweet person to myself when I don't even love them, and deprive them of the happiness they could really have?

    Good job with loss, and I hope you don't let yourself get dragged in to that. ♥

  5. If you don't want to be with him, why should you, you shouldn't feel the need to.
    I hope your okay x

  6. May I add you to my blog roll?

  7. i completely understand what you mean about feeling obligated!
    hope he gets the message ;)
    how have you been hun?
    i've missed reading your blog