Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I thought running would make my day easier.
So terribly wrong. I was a mess.

My mind was so fragmented and hyper-irritable, driven to raging, screaming madness by the tiniest noise. Any interruption to my rambling ruminating internal dialogue was completely unbearable, intolerable. Trying to contain it and not let it escape in bursts of hatred towards those around me. Fuming, distant, withdrawn. Holding on, holding it in. At the same time just so achingly exhausted. Unable to do anything, not wanting to do anything, but frightened by the depths of meaninglessness and boredom. Panicked. Nothing much went wrong but everything felt wrong.

Just biological. Physiological. This must mean I'm starving. This is what happens to brains when they start to starve. Burnt out and brittle and hungry.

And it says to me, over and over, EAT AND THROW UP
do it
do it
do it
DO IT and until you do it I will not remit, I will not relent

But I didn't do it and I'm hurting inside and outside from fighting it. I want this day to end. I have done "so well" but every ounce of my fortitude has been expended beyond all possible capacity to get here. Still I have resisted my helpful tablets but if I am to survive tomorrow I feel there is no choice. I can't go it alone.

This is HARD
I forget how hard this is


  1. just remember that we're all here for you! and we all believe in you.
    you've gotten this far even though its been painfully hard so now you KNOW that you'll be ok.
    you're winning this game at the moment, dont give up, whatever happens!


  2. i can't deny its painfully difficult. But tomorrow is always a new day and by hanging on even if it is by your fingertips your winning. Stay strong x

  3. i'm so glad. well done. i know how completely outside the realms of possibility it seems to ignore that voice but you're so close! and think how easy it will be next time once you've made this memory of how you managed it!

    thankyou for reminding me of my 115. i keep hurtling the other way and wasnt sure how to stop. Now all i'm thinking about it how FUCKING HOT i'm gonna look in my dress. xx

  4. Go easy on yourself!

    In one way or the other, it will get better every day. Don´t give up!

  5. I'm struggling right along with you. I just did an exam this morning, I've already eaten too much and it's tempting to just y'know...continue....flush it up...sigh. I will be strong and NOT do it Pasco, if you will be strong for me?

    Friend don't let friends drink and drive!--no wait...


  6. PS

    get closer! not further a w a y !!

  7. It never gets easier.
    You just learn how to deal with it better, maybe.

    I get angry. Rage filled. Insecure.
    It's a slow and maddening descent sometimes. Othertimes, it's quick and violent, and you land so hard in that place of badness you have no idea what happened or how you got there.
    You're strong. I have faith in you.

  8. Cry baby.