Thursday, April 7, 2011
Is that what this is?
Was rambling round the internet and stumbled right back here. I thought I ought to write something. So I guess an update on my life in general.
The date turned into a boyfriend, a serious one, he lives with me now.
Somehow despite spending almost all our time together I managed to surreptitiously throw up every day for the last week. But I didn't throw up at all in the preceding week. I have high hopes for the week to come.
So things still wax and wane. I am happier, I must be, because I'm happy with him. And I love him, and he's better than I deserve. I don't feel entirely involved in our relationship a lot of the time, as though I'm just floating along in it and going with the flow. If he conducts my life for me it doesn't matter so much that I can't control it.
I am not thin. And I feel incredibly far from it, separated more by time than weight gain. I'm still "too fat" but haven't gained weight in a while. It is just such a long long while since I lost any. I look back on pictures of myself at the pinnacle of my blog and my lowest weight. It was so long ago, and I wish I didn't like the way I looked back then quite as much as I do. I really do. I wish it wasn't so painful getting there, and I don't think I could do it now if I tried. Sometimes I do try. It never works.
So I guess I just keep floating on. Sometimes I think I want to get help again, then I realise it would be impossible to do it without the boy finding out. Sometimes I think I should tell him, sometimes I nearly do. We tell each other everything, we have no secrets. This doesn't feel like a secret though, because I feel like it is not true, it is not who I am, it is temporary. It has been temporary for years now...
But if I play the game forever, eventually I will win.