Thursday, April 7, 2011

Epilogue (maybe)


Is that what this is?

Was rambling round the internet and stumbled right back here. I thought I ought to write something. So I guess an update on my life in general.

*ahem*

The date turned into a boyfriend, a serious one, he lives with me now.
Somehow despite spending almost all our time together I managed to surreptitiously throw up every day for the last week. But I didn't throw up at all in the preceding week. I have high hopes for the week to come.

So things still wax and wane. I am happier, I must be, because I'm happy with him. And I love him, and he's better than I deserve. I don't feel entirely involved in our relationship a lot of the time, as though I'm just floating along in it and going with the flow. If he conducts my life for me it doesn't matter so much that I can't control it.

I am not thin. And I feel incredibly far from it, separated more by time than weight gain. I'm still "too fat" but haven't gained weight in a while. It is just such a long long while since I lost any. I look back on pictures of myself at the pinnacle of my blog and my lowest weight. It was so long ago, and I wish I didn't like the way I looked back then quite as much as I do. I really do. I wish it wasn't so painful getting there, and I don't think I could do it now if I tried. Sometimes I do try. It never works.

So I guess I just keep floating on. Sometimes I think I want to get help again, then I realise it would be impossible to do it without the boy finding out. Sometimes I think I should tell him, sometimes I nearly do. We tell each other everything, we have no secrets. This doesn't feel like a secret though, because I feel like it is not true, it is not who I am, it is temporary. It has been temporary for years now...


But if I play the game forever, eventually I will win.

Love,
Pasco

14 comments:

  1. I have desperately missed you and your posts.
    I am ELATED you are happy with your boy.
    I hope you post occasionally, even if you're not in the throws of your ED, I just enjoy reading about your life.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree with Cally C.
    I love hearing about your life.
    I've moved on from such things too. Still struggling with weight/binge/urge to starve/wanting to purge.
    I too am happier, and I think that you can come back to this blog writing about whatever pleases you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've missed you. Please continue to post.

    ~MLM

    ReplyDelete
  4. Glad to hear that you are doing well :)

    Are you exercising? I've been doing yoga now for a couple of months and i love it!

    Missed ya.

    ReplyDelete
  5. there seems to be this whole world that exists between crisis point and totally recovered in which we throw up one week and don't the next, care about our weight but not enough to go through the serious pain of doing something about it, start to be interested in life again but still as if we're trapped behind a pane of glass. this is the place where we don't want to tell anyone because it's not really a problem anymore, it's just a few minor slips now and again. treatment sounds lovely but not wholly necessary, not worth everyone else's fuss. i'm in that place too. it's terribly awkward, it's terribly strange. but it's better than drinking bleach to throw up, isn't it? you sound so much more stable, i'm so so pleased! you'll always be my love and soul mate. i hope we can both push our way out of this strange awkward place, rather than falling back into it.

    -anise xx x

    ReplyDelete
  6. hello pasco,
    i'm soo happy to hear you are happy. even though this was so very long ago. gosh i hope you are still happy.
    i still love you.

    ~ancora

    ReplyDelete
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  11. Hey Pasco,
    I don't know if you will ever read this.. I guess it's been long you don't check your blog...
    anyway, in case you are checking it.. :)
    I have the cure for whatever you feel is a stone in your way...

    I will share my experience with you, and you can make use of it.. I want to stay anonymous... and just want you to try what i did.
    this has worked with me twice in my lifetime....
    once when I was 26 years old, I lost 30 kgs in two months...
    and once when I was 30 years old, after regaining my weight because of being careless.. I also used the same method and lost 30 kgs in two months...
    I always used to drop from 90 kgs to 60 kgs...

    All what i do is,
    I DON'T EAT...
    don't exercise.. it's a waste of time...
    instead, stop taking calories...

    how to do it ? believe me... I've done it twice...
    in the morning.. just don't take a damn breakfast... remember .. you want to lose weight.. not to keep your weight constant !!! so you need to let your body lose the actual fat it has... so, no breakfast.... NO BREAKFAST...

    during the day, whenever you get hungry.. grab a bottle of water, and drink....
    drinking water will calm your stomach and add ZERO fat ....
    you are hungry again? drink another bottle of water...
    guess what... ? too much water will activate your urine system and make you lose all the salt and bad dirty things from your body as well...
    now.. when it's the evening... you can eat a fair quantity of food....
    keep away from bread... keep away from fat things..
    stick to beans, salad, maybe a fat-free steak .. fish is perfect.. chicken is perfect too... but no skin, no frying .. no fat...

    don't fill your stomach at night please...

    I hope you read this and try it...
    you need alot of will ... it's harder than stopping smoking..
    remember, I've done it twice... and second time, it even cured my high blood pressure...

    all the best...

    ReplyDelete
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