Tuesday, October 6, 2009

all over the place

I think if you carried me up 18 flights of stairs, positioned me on the edge of a balcony and gave me a gentle nudge, my brain all over the pavement would probably still be more together than how it seems now.

I am all over the place but I still feel happy.

Everything is messy and disorganised. I'm still wallowing in my own filth. Still sleeping in an unmade bed I share with cats. I have one on my chest right now. I have been drinking much too much. Eating is bad. Disorder reigns. But I still feel happy.

On the weekend I got drunk and brought a boy home. He head butted me in the face and walked out on me because I wouldn't sleep with him. And possibly because he cottoned onto my insanity. It was more complicated than that, perhaps, and the headbutting was an accident. Still, now I'm all alone, rejected, abandoned, with a BLACK EYE and still... happy.

Ohhhhh but woe is me, why can't I have both? Why are happiness and skinniness mutually exclusive? I'm trying to think of a new plan. Something maintenancey... I'm not really at a weight I WANT to maintain at the moment, but I'm too rational in the head to talk myself into starvation.

Pasco x


  1. Being happy was one of the scariest things for me when I began to conquer my depression.
    I missed the security of voluntary isolation.

    Things can only get better (:

  2. Meh. I wouldn't want to sleep with him either if he head butted me. Accident or no, thats kind of a mood killer right there. Anyway, I'm glad you feel happy because I've been feeling the same way. Maybe there is just this wonderful cloud of euphoria spreading over ED land. Well if it is, I hope it stays that way and continues to rain happiness on us because it is a feeling I haven't had in a really long time.

  3. My dearest I texted you yesterday. I am glad you are happy I suppose. Hmm. Go and make your bed. Maybe you will feel a little more sane?

    I love cats.

  4. I'm glad you are happy but I think someone should give that boy a slap around the head... that is no way to treat anyone. I don't understand some guys! I hope you are okay and your black eye goes away soon. I hope your cats helping to make you feel better. It's amazing how much a cat cuddle and their cute little facial expressions or a little purr and nudge can make you feel so much better. I so miss not having a cat :o)

  5. some guys honestly. he head butts you and then demands to sleep with you? i don't know. I suppose I'm glad your feeling happy, but I can see it's in a strange way. I want a cat.
    I hope you figure things out soon.