Monday, September 28, 2009

Something is happening to me and I cannot stop it...

...and I think it is happiness.

It is very strange. It has been coming on for weeks. Maybe months. Gradually, gradually. That slow chemical neuron shift. I kind of realised it as I was coming down from the pills I took at the ball. And I felt that deep-down almost-catatonic misery. And it occurred to me that I used to ALWAYS feel like that. And now I don't.

And I can meter it by the infrequency of my blogging. I am light years behind. And I miss everyone but I don't NEED everyone.

This should be good. It IS good. Of course it's good. But it is so uncomfortable. The unfamiliar. My excuse and security blanket gone. I'm eating more easily, binging less, starving less, still throwing up quite a bit. Less distressed about food. I know that most of my emerging happiness is chemical and biological, but I think it is also contingent on being thin. I feel better, so I'm eating more, so I'll get fat, so I'll become miserable.

I just don't really know what to think. What to do. The sadness and obsessiveness that have gone hand in hand to make me thin have slowly backed off... I don't know how to live without them.


  1. I'm not sure what's more frightening - when we realize how much we need our sadness and our disorder, or realize that we're getting over it.

    It is terrifying. But it's time to move on, I think.

    One of the best keys I've ever learned about keeping weight off, is to weigh yourself every other day or so. Most people who keep weight off have a five pound range - they can't go above five pounds of their "ideal". If they do, they have an immediate plan of attack to take it off.

    I'm glad your starting to become happy, and grow up, and
    You deserve to live ♥

    We will very much miss you if you decide to leave, but so long as you're leaving because you don't need us, and you're ready to get better and to be happy and live? Then I can't imagine any of us here are going to be angry at you for that. ♥

  2. I'm so excited to hear that you're happy. It's just wonderous, but so horendous at the same time, isn't it?
    Life loves to throw you random things like happiness, and when you can actually catch it, it's the best thing ever.
    Good luck :)

  3. Sounds like you're happy. I think you should do everything it takes to be happy even if it means moving on and giving up your security blanket.

    Happiness doesn't happen for all of us and it's something you should hold on to once you've found it.

    Love you so much!

  4. Be happy, leave behind yur safety blancket..
    We all want to be happy that's what got us in this mess the first place. Your thin and happy that's just perfect. isn't it?

  5. I've been pondering upon this recently... I do not feel better, i just feel rather unbothered by my behaviour, which in turn makes me feel less distressed, so i blog less, and fool myself into eating more by letting my guard down, and now i'm fucking up 8 pounds and i have no idea how to return to not eating like crazy and feeling more calm.

    and i'm happy for us that we've found a way to make it seem less oppressive, but at the same time i cant understand how i'm not just going to bounce back to uncontrolled and disgusting aned then an even bigger fall!

    (also, So Happy for you to have discovered this happiness within yourself! remember how only a few weeks ago i was all positive while you were floundering? oh how the tables will turn. )xx

  6. I wrote a lovely supportive comment earlier today and then I realized it didn't post because I wasn't logged into blogger. Oops.

    Now I'm not in a fuzzy mood and I can't replicate it, but do know that I am ecstatic in a laid-back sort of manner for this happiness that is creeping on to you (I have to be rather chill about it because I hate when people get overly enthused about anything. hah).

    Embrace the happiness as you would a swim in a cold pool. I like to wade in toes first, but I'm never against those who bravely jump in.

    All my affection.

  7. I'm so happy your happy. If you are ready to move on, to live and be happy, then we can understand that, I really hope this feeling sticks with you,
    moving on will be scary, it will probably feel like you've never known any other way of living than the way you did.
    but you can, I know it.
    I'm so happy for you x

  8. I'm sorry for not commenting in so long! I have been so busy travelling and starting college.

    I'm so happy to read this, I mean SO happy! (even as I write this I'm shocked at how much I can care for someone I've never met!)
    Don't let yourself get sucked back into the vicious cycle, you can live with out the sadness and obsessiveness, absolutely, you do not need them

    let happiness and thinness go hand in hand :)

    Ophelia x x x x

  9. I'm so glad you're feeling some better-ness. I think, I hope, I do.

    Where do you find your photography? It is quite stunning. Lovely and exquisite.

  10. proud of you. hope you keep it up!x