Sunday, September 6, 2009

feelin good

Not sure why.

Still pretty fat, but not quite as fat as I thought. Phew!

For the last few days I've felt tiny pieces of myself coming back to me. Feeling REAL, which I haven't felt in years. I'm excited, if a little apprehensive. I know I'll most likely feel shit again soon. But if I keep getting these little bits of fleeting ME flying back momentarily here and there, maybe the jigsaw puzzle will all come together eventually. I can be patient.

It's so weird. It's not happiness. It's just not nothing. Like my eyes are opening and I can breathe and things are made of hope.

Or someone's tainting the water supply with crack.

Hey, I'll take whatever I can get!


  1. I'm glad to hear those tiny pieces are coming back...You deserve to feel good! Sending love.


  2. i think motivation is contagious. i hope i've had a role to play at least! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  3. Yay! So wonderful that your feeling good!

    Keep that Feel Good momentum going!

  4. YES!! YES! grab a hold of those bits and pieces and cling to them for dear life and stitch a blanket with them and wrap it around yourself! the more you get the bigger the blanket will get and the warmer and cozier you will be! (kind of a dumb metaphor but i think for me all things come back to coziness and warmth and blankets and nests...) seriously, though. and then if, hopefully IF, you plunge back into feeling like shit, hold on to those pieces like a lifeline and they will get you through. even if you can't really "feel" those bits anymore, you can just have a list of facts about yourself to hold on to (for me at first a while ago it was seriously just: i love to read. i love to write. i love animals. i love to nest. and even when i was so depressed that everything seemed like shit, i could remind myself, yes, it is part of my identity that reading books gives me pleasure. even if i can't read right now because i want to cry i will always have that to go back to as soon as i can wipe the tears off my face.)

    hugs and hugs and love! happy soul mate!! :D

  5. oh! take those pieces and run! you deserve that happiness, and I know you can get yourself back on track, you are working hard and you deserve to feel happy!

  6. i LOVE your cats already, especially Ginger Pubes! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! one of my cat's names is Phineas, but he is really only known as Booger. he is ginger-coloured (!!). he eats all my bread and cinnamon toast crunch no matter how well it's packaged (but never tuna or turkey or cheese) and chews off bits of cardboard and spits it back on the floor and pees on my bed when he's mad at me and and chases his tail when i wag it for him and runs around the house like a gorilla and looks at me like a lost puppy whenever i leave the house, which is, in truth, probably why i don't leave very often. so as you can see, he really is a booger (or do you call them bogies or something like that? i'm talking about the things you pick out of your nose and which some little disgusting kids eat).

    other kitty, blue tuesday, is the matriarch of the house and we have been through A LOT together--including both breaking up with our boyfriends at the same time (hers was forced on her) and we both came out better in the end for it, and now we read each other's thoughts but she is a serious ravenous beastie and a bit of a whore! and stunningly beautiful kitty, too.

    right now both kitties are sprawled on the floor with their bellies up. spread-eagled! i just want to go rub my face in their bellies!

    happy nesty kitty blanket nesty time! :D