Sunday, October 11, 2009

Once upon a time...

...I could do this.

I could stop eating and weight would fall off me and I would feel airy and breathless all at once. My chest would flutter and my head would be light and I would float through my days, calm in the knowledge that I was getting thinner and prettier and the world was getting better.

I know the science and I know the statistics and I know that food deprivation tends to lead to binging and distress and loss of control. An inability to ever properly feel either hunger or fullness. I know that most anorexics generally become bulimics. But I thought, no, I have a mind, a consciousness, control. I know what I want. I won't cave in. I am not powerless.

so how did this happen? How can I be so irrational? How can this hateful beast inside me keep feeding me and then forcing it back out of me? This battle is awful. It's horrible. I hate it. I don't want to eat. So why do I? How can such tiny hidden hormone imbalances and neurotransmitters and blood sugar levels conspire so strongly to beat even my own conscious mind???

I don't know what to do! I want to stop eating again. I want to go back on a 500 calorie a day calories restriction again. Once upon a time 500 calories a day seemed enormous! But this thing inside me won't let me. I am throwing up ALL the time. I am bulimic. Actually really and truly all-DSM-criteria-met diagnostic fucking bulimic!

This isn't what I want but it is so SO hard to go back from this place to that place. I feel fat, vile and loathsome. I've been sitting around 55kg but I feel it creeping, nudging it's way upwards. I want to maintain. But I want to get back down to 50 first. And the more I push the more I am defeated. The harder I try the further I get from where I want to be. That is how this works. I know that.

You can't cure this.
This is hell.

Most of us end up here, at least for a while. I know you are feeling me. But fuck. Fuck it's hard. Sometimes you get out for a brief moment. Feel a glimmer of hope. But then you slide right back down.

This is hell.


  1. I don't know that there is any comfort I can give you from around the world through mere words on a screen ... but I understand. And my heart goes out to you.

  2. You are not alone...=( Atm,I am in this horrible state as well...I know how you feel,so powerless and sad but we will get back to control as long as we do not give up,okay?
    *big hug*

  3. oh Pasco! i wish i could give you some of my crazy giddy too-happy insanity and you could give me some of your angst. maybe then we would balance each other out. i spent the morning watching Mulan in French and racing around my apartment cleaning and i do not believe my feet touched the floor once. it is good but it is bizarre. it is confusing to someone who has spent so much time in that Hell that you are describing. do you want to switch places? i keep forgetting to eat, or eating and forgetting that i care about it until it is heavy in my belly.

    i have no advice other than to maybe try a 3-day or 5-day fast. that helped me get out of the cycle of eating and throwing up but then again i did binge the following weekend. so i guess i have no advice for you. except that i know where you are and i am here for you and i love you and we are cross-global soulmates.

    LOVE xx x x

  4. Yes it is. And there is no escaping it once you've gotten in so far, and so deep. Especially if there isn't anyone brave enough, who gives a damn enough to pull you out.

  5. pasco, i love your writing xoxo
    are you on twitter?