Tuesday, October 20, 2009

hot summer nights

I calmly binged and threw up tonight. The pressure just kept mounting, the craving intensifying. I didn't feel too terrible or out of control, I just decided to do it and get it over with. I'm hoping the release will be enough to stave off the urge for a few good days. I certainly feel disgusting now that it's over. I generally do afterward. Groggy and ill. Stale. Stagnant.

All I'm craving now is hot summer nights and cold summer drinks.
Wooden floors boards, open windows, warm sticky night air, quiet and distance and breeze and strangeness. Sweat, humidity, contemplation. Stillness. Dark and stars.


  1. I pretty much did the same, minus the purging. I'm just going to forget it, move on, starve.
    Now I think about it I am missing those summer nights, but all we're getting here is rain, and buckets of it.
    I hope your feeling okay.

  2. Ha Pasco I'm in your boat at the second...

  3. Honey, I know you won't listen to me, but I'm gonna say it anyway. This road you're on, it will haunt you forever. It will destroy you completely, it's not worth it, it never is...

    I've been where you are, I've walked those miles with starvation by my side. I found a way out, still haunted, but better.

    Sure, when reading this the only thin i wish is to have my body back, skinny and starved.
    It's not worh it though, everything you loose. I lost years of my life, years I'll never get back.

    As I said, I know my words won't matter. I can't tell you what to do. But I truly hope you will be okay.

  4. aww honey! its good that your not freaking out about it though, and that you're using it to move on and do better.
    you've been doing so well. everyone slips up now and again. as long as you dont use it as an excuse for more slip ups then you'll be fine =]

    i wish i could have some lovely hot summer nights about now, but alas, we are heading into a freezing cold winter.
    i do love winter clothes though. and walking through the parks with an ice cold face.
    it seems easier to stave when the actual world looks like its starving with you.

    xx love

  5. I agree with Fenie.

    I do love the picture you paint with your words, you are such an amazing writer! You're my inspiration! One day I'll be writing all picture/painting/poetry-like...

    Stay positive Pasco, you are doing good. It's just one day. There'll be another one tomorrow...and the day after to be better!

    Stay Strong!
    Be Happy :)