Monday, October 19, 2009


I've been battling, really battling, to stay afloat these last few days. I've been persistently wanting to binge and throw up. I made it through yesterday. Today I was doing well, throwing everything I had against the flood gates, but in the end I sprung a few leaks. A little low fat ice cream, a little more, a handful of nuts, a handful of muesli, gentle purging, acceptable calorie total. My flood gates cracked, but I barricaded those fuckers with all my might and they didn't crumble. I did OK.

I think normally I'm either strong, and suppress the urge, or I'm weak, and I give in to it immediately. At the moment, I'm not strong enough to push the feelings away but I'm desperately trying to resist them. It is really exhausting me. I'm feeling desperate. I'm dog paddling against the current and it's only a matter of time until I drown.


  1. ...Or until you reach the coast.

    I am very proud of you, Pasco! You are doing fine, with the inevitable thick and thins.

    Stay strong, darling.

  2. I know how you feel, I either manage to be strong and resist or I crumble and give in. But at the moment, whenever I feel the urge to give in I remember how good I feel when I resist, and it's getting me through moments of weakness.

    Stay strong, you can do it.

  3. I wish I was as strong as you... You are amazing in every way and you NEED to know that. You have been super strong through all of this and you have lost so much weight...

  4. I have been having the same problems! Having terrible days. I hope a strong day will come to u soon. Hang in there Pasco, you'll pick up soon again!