Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Today I did:
For the first time in ages. Not great. But bloody fucking OK!
Went to the psychologist I've been seeing for depression (so passe) and blurted out an oral version of my previous post. Sex, spew and rock and roll. I've never talked about eating stuff with her before, but I figured she'd done a nice job of "gaining my trust" and "developing a rapport" (they teach us how to do this in medicine too, it's so obvious but it really works) so I thought she deserved my disclosure. Plus she's lovely and adorable and excellent to talk to. It felt great to talk about it. Just bouncing ideas off her. With no judgment and no pressure to change. Really, anyone who needs someone to talk to face to face but wants to maintain their secrecy and anonymity, get yourself a clin psych. Particularly if you can see them for free through uni like me.
You girls are really my all
My psych asked of my ex ex "do you think he understood the magnitude of the secret you told him, how much it meant for you to tell him that?" and I said "no, not at all"
She knew, as you know, that this stuff is EVERYTHING
It amazes me the effort that goes into living life this way.
Desperately, hopelessly clawing and scratching the fat away from our bodies with bleeding fucking nails.
Every little thing
Messy, vomiting, starving, just every tiny thing we can do here and now to weigh just a little less. Such incredible desperation and distress.
People just don't get that
Today I ate:
2 baby apples 100
2 baby pears 100
1 plum 50
1/4 cup raspberries 50
1 carrot 0
1 handful snow peas 0
1 handful cherry tomatoes 0
Vietnamese chicken salad and 1/4 cup rice and some other prawny bits and stuff500ish
A month ago I'd have been horrified by that. But for now it's start. And it was all really good for my poor ragged body. Except the rice, but fuck it, it wasn't much!
Tomorrow will be even better. The claws are back out ladies. Time to scramble my way back up... back down