Sunday, May 17, 2009

losing myself some more, or more of myself, or something


I usually feel so much better when I'm restricting successfully. And I do. Feel better I mean. Just... not as good as I'd like. I'm questioning myself a lot. I worry that I'm going too far, but then I think that's ridiculous - I'm not even underweight.

I shared a change room with a friend today while out shopping. She has always been slightly smaller than me, but recently she has gained a tiny bit of weight and I have lost a heap, so now she's quite a lot bigger. I kept feeling as though I had to shield my body from her, hide the changes. I didn't want her to notice them, because she'd be jealous and hate me. Or think I was vain and hate me. Or just hate me.

And I can tell I'm becoming too obsessive. Today I ate nothing all day, then had 4 small chocolates for dinner. It was 100 cal day according to the abc (meaning I would allow myself 200 if desperate) and I figured I'd come out at around 150. But then I checked the nutritional info on the chocolate box (after... idiot) and it was more like 220. 220, when I was allowed to have 200. That's not bad. 220 cal in a day is absolutely stuff all. But I've spent hours trying to deliberate whether to admit my failure on this blog, whether to tick off the day or not, whether to try and purge...

It's fucking crazy. My head feels clear but I think I'm losing it.

I wonder if I should quit the abc. I almost feel like I'm doing too well. Which is pretty ridiculous. I honestly think I went into it anticipating I'd fail. But now that I've got a few days under my belt I've encountered this incredibly stubborn side of myself that is steadfastly committed. It scares me. I actually think that if I make it through 50 days I will alienate everybody in my life. I want to quit. To start to up my intake and be normal and healthy and try to stick to this weight.

But I don't want to lose the feeling of power this gives me. Let go of the one thing I'm good at. And I DO want to be thinner. I just don't know if it's a good idea

I just... don't... know


  1. what about giving yourself 50cals either way -- you go over 50 or under 50 and it's all good -- it's always an idea - i mean still aim for your set number - but if you go over or under a bit (cause it can be tough getting exact all the time when different foods are such different cals)

    just a thought. but good job so far.

  2. after almost half a year of obsessive progressions... i've realized something... when i set rules for myself, i go crazy. i need to set some rules i suppose, but the more powerful the rules becomes, more elaborate the plans develop, etc. the more manic i become. it truly is frightening, and i know exactly how you're feeling. for me, though, i can't stop, i'm not ready, i slip up a lot, but i can't fully quit. you need to follow your instincts and maybe realize that extreme rule setting could be putting you worse off. but, as you know, you have all the support in the world over here in blogworld, remember that! mucho amour, it'll be okay :]

  3. Maybe you should take a break? Think it over? I've been there too, And I've let myself go for just a bit, and then I realize how I want to live my life.
    But hey, Your heart will probably let you know. Just that you having these thoughts make you normal, not manic, but normal.

    take care

  4. *hugs* I'm sorry I haven't been commenting lately. Everything's been crazy.

    I know the feeling of obsessive spiraling... sadly, I'm almost jealous. I haven't felt that way in almost a month, but when I was feeling that way, I was so scared and hated it. I'm thinking about trying out ABC after all my family leaves since you seem to have been doing so well with it, but remember, you can ease out of it and we'll all still be here cheering you on in whatever direction your life takes you.

    I care about you so much!