Thursday, September 23, 2010

Time to breathe some life

7 days left of September
and I weigh about 59kg

So with my gastro head start I need to lose 1kg in 1 week to be 58 by October. On target. Numbers are so boring and shit. Right now I need them because I'm vomiting every day. EVERY day, no exceptions, it is what I do when I come home from work. I'm not even trying to stop now. It is routine. I don't know what the hell else I would do instead, I hate to try and think about it, it fogs my head with stress. So I don't fight it. I just puke on schedule.

This is why I need to talk stupid shitty numbers.
So for 7 days I am going to not throw up. I am going to record everything I eat, good or bad. At the end of each day I will let you guys know.

And at the end of the week I hope to be 58kg.

"Yeah right" I hear you say?... Well you gotta keep trying.
I can't keep my head in this paper bag for the rest of my life.
It's OK, but I'm becoming nothing, and I want to be alive.


  1. there is such strength in your words. i love that you don't give up. it is true, you have to keep trying. and even if you don't lose that one kilo. focus on not throwing up. that would be such an enormous victory. i believe you can do it. good luck.

    much love, io

  2. you can definitely do it! think how amazing it will feel to actually reach a goal. good luck xx

  3. firstly, your image is possibly the most graphic i have ever seen; including photos of women chopping their tongues off with scissors. i love it.

    secondly, take care of yourself because you're so lovely. i think you can do it, you have time. i wish you had a button i could push to make you happy.

    actually, that reminds me of a show that was on ABC Kids when i was about nine... and they did operations on people so that they could not experience sadness or anger, only happy-around-the-clock!

    thirdly, you are a doctor, yes? are you going to become a particular type of doctor? or be a doctor doctor? just curious.

    with love,

  4. i know that feeling of not having anything else to do but vomit, so why not.
    i know that feeling of not being able to fight it, to let it happen on schedule.
    i know that fear of not knowing how to fill that empty time.

    i know you can do this.
    if i can cut back to throwing up twice a week, you can stop for seven days.
    if i can stop smoking cigarettes for 6 days while i am visiting my parents, you can stop throwing up for seven days.

    plan ahead BEFORE THE THOUGHT OF WHAT YOU WILL EAT AFTER WORK even comes into your head. you have to make a plan of what you will do with that time, what you will eat, when you will stop eating, and what you will do with the time after you stop eating BEFORE you even BEGIN TO THINK of what to binge on that night. the minute you begin to think of the binge you are sunk. i think you know this. i just wanted to say it again. because somehow for some reason it's something we can never talk ourselves out of. but if we are still strong and haven't let ourselves fall into it yet, then we can make a plan. because it's that empty time you fear. so fill it before your brain decides how to fill it for you.

    LOVE xx x

    p.s. your comment to me which was only a sentence long nevertheless made me extremely happy and light. thank you. :D