Monday, September 20, 2010

today I had a small moment

Was walking through my neighbourhood and the air was warm. Perfect skin temperature air you pretty much can't even feel as you move through it. And fresias and other weedy spring time flowers you forget exist making those quirky "summer's-coming" scents that catch you off guard. And I thought shiiiiit I haven't actually walked around these streets in... what? 8 monthsish? This is the best time of year and it was nostalgically depression-wrenchingly lovely. How easy is all this? How can life be hard and sad? When I hate myself and all I want to do is eat or puke or hide, can't I just step out and be in this and have everything be great?

The reality is a rare day off buffered all sides by a zillion crippling days on. And I still did puke twice. Still, warmth is an amazing distiller of optimism. Now I've had a few late night lonesome g&t's but not in the sad way. Solidarity with the changing seasons. I feel relaxed and OK. My cat is here and anyone who says cats aren't loyal has never had one. He looks at me, lowers his eyes and slowly pushes his nose into my mouth for the briefest of kisses. It's not gross. Maybe you have to be there.

It's warm. Give me my moment.


  1. XD My cat does that. She's sat with me now, and I have no idea what I'd do without her :)

  2. OH lovely moments!! they make everything worth it. they make us remember what we could be or maybe what we will be someday. in them it seems so easy, doesn't it? i spent all day wondering why i couldn't just shake this all off, stop worrying, stop hating, stop puking, stop starving, stop being so goddamn miserable all the time. it's not that easy though, is it? but sometimes we get these moments. GRAB IT, take it, LOVE IT and remember it, dearest. next time you are wanting to die, remember it. because it's not about how much you threw up today but rather how you felt today, and the more you feel amazing the better it is.

    LOVE xx x

    just sent you an email! if you don't get it check your spam :D

  3. also? i did an overnight with three french bulldogs and woke this morning with two of them on either side and the third at my feet under all the covers. we woke each other up with snuffly frenchie kisses and sleepy cuddles. first time i've awoken laughing. it was an amazing moment. and then i came home and my cat sat in my lap and had the hiccups which made me crack up. pets are SO worth it. they save me all the time with their sheer contentedness to be alive and their (to me) remarkable sanity.

    xx x

  4. if only you could wrap an armour of those moments around you, with links so small that all the negative moments could barely get through.
    maybe we can make those suits of armour through sheer willpower?

    by the way i love you and think you are awesome. and i miss the camaraderie of being in a similar place.
    I'm currently trying this rather bizarre form of rationalisation where i genuinely believe i can be sensible and part of the community / (old guard)... is that crazy? x

  5. I had a moment like that several years ago. All I was doing was walking from point A to point B, and yet I remember it perfectly. I wish I could have that again. So bizarre.

  6. being out in nature when thin is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

  7. :) I wish I had a cat.
    Maybe when I actually live more alone and not with housemates.
    Btw, that picture up there ^^^^ It was a thumbnail in the blogger dashboard and i totally thought it was a penis out the corner of my eye.

    Hopefully spring will be the push you need. Plus, you live in Perth? So it's really nice there