Monday, June 1, 2009

What it means for me


I didn't have the best day today. I saw an old ex boyfriend, and it was fine, but when he left I cried and cried for hours. I relived the rejection I experienced when I first found out he never loved me back. I overreact to every situation in my life because I perceive everything as rejection.

And I'm slowly coming to realise that the truth is I despise myself. I have no personality. I am nothing. I am a shell of a person. I go through life touching nobody, obsolete. And what's more, disgusting. Detestable and ugly. I absolutely loathe myself. And so I assume that nobody else could conceivably love me either.

So I feel as though all I can possibly do to not be completely worthless is to be thin. Even if it is impossible for anybody to love me, if I am a fragile, brittle, sad little girl, people may at least want to take care of me. Look after me. And maybe that is enough.

I need to BE thin
Because at least then I would BE something

10 comments:

  1. You are something. An articulate, intelligent girl. Don't be down on yourself. Start loving yourself and others will love you too - as funkin stupid as that sounds.

    Much love, sweets xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, sweetie. Don't hate yourself. Hate your butt, hate your thighs, hate your arms. Hate the jerk who didn't love you the way you wanted him to. Hate the boss who has unreasonable demands, or the professor who has unreasonable standards. Hate life for not being fair, hate people for being assholes. Hate your weaknesses when you give in to them. But never, never hate yourself. Even when you can't stand the skin you're in, don't hate the you inside it.

    Stay strong.

    ReplyDelete
  3. G. Samsa is so right - hope you figure it out.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I know how you feel. Soon after this all started to consume me I broke down with my boyfriend and cried for I-don't-even-know how long because I just loathe myself.

    But in reality, there are plenty of things for us to love about ourselves. We just don't see them, or if we do, we twist them into something bad or something "just not good ENOUGH."

    You're an amazing girl. Your writing is wonderful and you have such a personality, which is why I have this blog on my RSS toolbar. You are most definitely worth something.

    Good luck with getting off the rest of the weight, hopefully the weight loss competition will help! I know you can do it. You're strong. Just remember that.

    ReplyDelete
  5. at the cost of sounding redundant...

    youre fucking amazing! i LOVE your taste in photography and style. plus you actually have things of substance to say both in your postings and when you comment. i dont even know you but you still mean something to me!

    and i know these things we're saying are kind of worthless. as much as we tell you this, you have to realize it yourself. but i hope our words help :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thats exactly how I feel. You really have a great way of puting your feelings into words like no one Ive read before.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You mean alot to us sweetie! We'd never reject you! Keep your head up! We all love you!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I feel pretty much the same way,
    stay strong :) you will get through this,
    don't hate yourself,
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh wow. I read this, and while I can't say I feel exactly the same way, because I don't think it's possible for two people to feel EXACTLY the same, I have a vague idea of it. Rejection hurts. :( Especially from loved ones.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Love yourself, then you will see you are a beautiful person.

    ReplyDelete