Monday, June 22, 2009

New Plan:


Didn't work

Old plan:
Didn't work

Plan before that:
Didn't work

Eating normally:
Didn't work

I just want to cry my fucking eyes out but I can't even muster up a tear. Ever feel just so desolate and hopeless? Where you can't even quite feel the satisfaction of being sorry for yourself?

I want to just say "never again" and mean it. I just want to stop. STOP.

I still haven't done any work.

Sitting here drinking yet more gastrolyte and dreaming of sleep. Blood test tomorrow to see if my shoddy self-doctoring has managed to keep my electrolytes at all in check. Ulcers in my mouth and chapped lips that just won't heal. Stomach aching in that strange way of fullness meeting emptiness.

I haven't gained the weight back. Yet. But what does it matter? This is no way to live.

Lulu, honey, you know what this is like. I know you know. How the fuck do you get through it? We need to get through it. We can't do this to ourselves anymore. We are throwing our lives away like trash



10 comments:

  1. Just cry,
    Try to eat normally just for a little bit without
    overdoing it, until you feel control again.

    My mum always tells me,
    "do what makes your heart sing"

    Just do that. Feel & do what is going to make you happy, or make you feel better than you currently are.
    I know this all sounds silly, & you don't know me or anything, but i'm worried about you.

    Hope you're okay.

    Yasmine. xx

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  2. hey girl. I'm the same height as you and 4 lb heavier. I'm trying to drop to 110 desperately...
    This journey is so lonely...I just hope that we could talk a bit and support each other

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  3. Desolate and lost? Too fucking right. Eating normally feels bad, starving feels bad, binging feels worst. And the most twisted part is the more disordered we get, the more isolated we become which fuels more ferocious disorder.

    So ultimately we are fucked if we do, fucked if we don't.

    But I'm worried about you, truly I am. Try to recapture tiny things, moments of happiness-when I am at my lowest I go on a leisurely cycle ride, or go to the park, for a picnic, a museum, a cosy cafe with a friend etc). WIthout these tiny things it is so easy to get so fucked up and isolated and feel like there is nothing and noone that can help you. I know, I have been, and to some extent still am there. But try sweetie, because the consequences of not trying are to ghastly to think about. xxx

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  4. I feel the same sometimes.
    I want to cry. but can't do it.
    I get everything wrong. nothing I do helps.
    don't worry, I hope you'll be okay soon :)
    x

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  5. I'm so glad you didn't decide to stop commenting, anonymous. People will get to like you once they get to know you :)

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  6. of course i know baby... i know about the constant ulcers. i've got a goddamn dead tooth i'm too scared to go to the dentist about because i KNOW she'll know.
    after my terribly proud post the other night i managed to fuck it up and BP before i went out, then at work the next day, then when i got home form work instead of sleeping, and then today at work, and when i got home form work, and when i got home tonight.

    i dont know what the way out it. Sometimes i wish there some huge traumatic event in my life i could blame it on, so i could go to therapy, work through it, and come out the other side ok. But ther isnt. as far as i can tell, me disorder stems from boredom, loneliness and greed...

    i finished reading wasted. and i'm starting to realise that as long as i want to replace bingeing and purging with barely any calories, i'm gonna keep doing it because i'm still holding onto the disorder, just changed its name... You cant pick and choose which bits you keep - you either heal, or stay sick.
    And i'm not thin enough to heal. I hope that when i think i am i can stop. though i doubt the desire to binge is just going to disappear!
    This probably should've been a post instead of addressed to you but i thin of you as the girl who gets me most here...
    If you have a blogger account only email we should totally arrange a lil msn sesh... or even a facebook chat if you wanna set up an ana facebook?.
    maybe not making a plan is the best way to ignore the voices. indulge them in minuscule portions as soon as you hear them? i know i know, big FAT hypocrite.... xxxxxxx

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  7. omg i didnt realise it was sucj an essay!! lol

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  8. good idea. Tuesday is my day one, and i made it through (though i really only have amphetamines to thank for that...)

    Onto day 2! I'm really looking forward to ticking off the days and having the accomlishment of a whole week without purging.

    Hope your day 1 went awesome too!xx

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  9. Hey Sweets,

    My throat is still burning from yesterday's binge. My hair, which was the only pretty part of me I could cling to when I was so heavy, is now steadily falling out. I'm constantly freezing even in this heavy Southern summer heat. I'm dizzy and faint all the time. My tongue is white and I have to brush my teeth all the time to keep out the bad taste of starvation.

    Yet I still believe it is worth it. That's what gets me through. I hope you find what gets you through. Maybe recovery?

    You'll be in my thoughts. <3

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  10. Whoops, hope you don't think I'm the same anonymous who said you weren't even that thin or whatever! (biatch)

    Nope, I'm anonymous because i find even the veil of cyberspace not thick enough, and I'm scared of being caught for what I am.

    Good luck to you Paco Rose xxxx

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