Sunday, June 7, 2009

rape me

You all mean so much to me it feels pointless to attempt to describe it. I guess you all know it because we're all in it together. We have a collective misery. Still, on those rare instances when we experience some collective joy it all becomes worth it.

I'm beginning to accept that this may be forever.

Friday night was awful. I went out to a hospital-doctory-after-work-drinks function thing. I generally avoid that crowd because I find it loathsome. Then again, I find social situations loathsome in general and for that reason it's been a long time since I have really been out. But particularly with "med people". Friday night though I decided to try, because I don't want to die alone in a cat-riddled hermitage. I don't feel thin, I still see the same thing in the mirror that I've always seen, just with a few more bones. So I become complacent about the fact that I have lost a significant amount of weight which has some shock value for people who haven't seen me in a while.

So despite the enormity of the throng of people there I still managed to be greeted by strange looks, concerned whispers and general discomfort among my peers. I hate that. HATE it. People expect me to be fat, so they are surprised by me. I don't want people to EXPECT me to be fat! I want people to forget the fat me ever existed. I just want to be shiny new and lovely. Mesmerising, not controversial and disconcerting.

Still, I acknowledge that it has to happen. People will notice the change then hopefully gradually get used to it and forget I was ever any different. I can try to appreciate the concern. Blame it on my break up. Laugh it off. That was OK.

But then the atmosphere changed. Boys wanted me. Lots of them. Boys who never paid me any attention before. Boys I thought had been friends, who I had joked with and laughed with before. Nice boys. Sweet, kind boys. Not handsome or special, just the run of the mill decent guys I had known for a long time.

Now they were groping me. Grabbing me. Following me. Sending me lewd text messages from unknown numbers. Insulting, ugly, sexually explicit. Contemptuous and disrespectful, misogynistic. And I got progressively more drunk. Anxious. Really fucking panicky anxious. I wanted out. I felt sick. I felt revolting and obscene. There was stumbling and embarrassment and falling and fighting back tears, which led to the threat of "rescue". People trying to take advantage of me. Knowing it but feeling helpless to get away. Alone in a crowd of people who would maul me to death at any moment.

I sound so full of myself. It wasn't like that.

It was like being raped
By people I trusted

And the worst thing was that horrifying, sickening knowledge that the only difference to any other time was that now I am thin. Apparently concerningly thin. Probably too thin. Enough to raise eyebrows and insight gossip.


People will never ever ever accept you for who you are. They will hate and resent you in any form, and emotionally rape you when you are at your frailest and most vulnerable. You can gain weight and you will disgust them, you can lose weight and they won't care. They'll be attracted to your sadness and the ease with which they can tear you apart.

I was so angry and sad and hurt. AM so angry and sad and hurt. Disgusted. It is disgusting. I want to get thinner so they see how much they hurt me, but it won't work, they'll just hurt me more and strip me down until I am nothing.

I don't know who I do this for anymore
I don't know anything
I'm just weary and the world seems like a sad and hopeless place full of monsters

Except for you, my girls. Always there, genuinely caring. With a special and unique insight. Seeing the world for what it is and fighting it in the only way we know how. Against ourselves. Taking all that pain and hatred and casting it over our bodies. Hurting ourselves so deeply that we may become exquisitely beautiful.

I have been hazy for days. Now I have a million of your words to read and I don't want to miss a single one.

I love you


  1. You're doing this for yourself.

    Get a new crowd. Find yourself.
    They sound like a load of pompous, egotistical losers.
    And you're too good for them.

    You need people who will be happy for you, and keep your mood elevated.
    Nowadays, all people want is a good gossiping story.
    If you're going to give them one, at least make it worth it.
    Remind your self who you are, you're Pasco.
    Thin, beautiful Pasco.
    You're everything they wish they were.
    That's why they have to tear at you.

    ...Welcome to the 21st century.

    You need to keep your head up, your pride up.
    And keep the control.

  2. I hate that they think you are weak, you aren't- you are stronger than they'll ever know. They are a worthless pack of hyenas and will just go after everything they can.

    find a new crowd - there are many benefits to this, but they main one being, none of them knew you when you were larger, they'll have no means of comparison. I hate being compared to my old size, I feel like it is all people think about when I'm around and of course that means it is all I can think about...

    fuck 'em, right? you're better than they are by far. One of my dad's favorite sayings when people are insulting is, 'I've been called worse by better people' - it's a great one to keep in mind when scum talk down to you, you can pity them because I know you are better than them. You should know you are better.

  3. oh men, I love how your HW and GW are almost exactly like mine. Be strict to yourself, you can do anything, be the top of your class lose 60lbs. I think all you need right now is a zero point, erase everything and start everything over.

  4. That gave me goose bumps.

    I'm not good at offering advice. I've never been in a similar situation at all sorry.

    I hope you feel better, and find some better friends. Easier said than done I'm sure.
    Yes we'll always be here for you.
    I just want to give you a hug.

  5. you're right, theres no explanation needed. you are just as important to us.

    that was a really beautiful post.

    i'm sorry it was so shit, dont give up, there ARE people in the world who arent completely fucking retard cunts.

  6. Oh god, I'm so sorry. I hate social situations.... but I'm so fat now that I'm not experiencing anxiety about them anymore.

    I hope you can find peace and comfort with a group of people who aren't leering or stepping over boundaries with you. It's nice to step outside sometimes, right? I have to keep telling myself that being a shut-in isn't the answer ;)

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  8. God, you are such a beautiful writer! Your way with words is amazing. I've never heard, read, or seen these feelings expressed in such an moving way! This post literally brought tears to my eyes.

    I saw your name on a lot of other blogs right above my posts and for some reason today I just decided to click on it. I'm so glad that I did because your blog is beautiful and your writing is beautiful. And you are so right. They will never except, nor understand.

  9. Oh sweet Pasco. I am so sorry and yet I absolutely understand how you must feel.

    The paradox of losing weight makes me ill. You are fat so they ignore you and you hate it. Then you lose weight and they pay attention to you...and you hate it because it reminds you of how fat you were and how they ignored you.

    I send you love. You are so strong and beautiful.

  10. the way you write is beautiful,
    I am always here for you,
    you are so strong x