Thursday, June 4, 2009

sigh of relief

52.8 kg (116.2 lbs)

Quite a pleasant surprise
I wish I felt more excited about it though. If I gain weight, I feel the miserable sting of failure. But I think I've become desensitised to the joy of losing. Instead of that fluttery butterfly feeling of pride and delight, I just feel relief. As if I've been holding my breath and I can finally exhale again. Not fatter today. Thank goodness.

If I can stay on track I shouldn't have too many problems getting to 52 kg by Monday, my week 1 goal in the competition. IF I can stay on track. I guess I just have to keep holding my breath and forging forward and starving without thinking. If I think, I start to rationalise eating. I need to live by my furtive, desperate, semi-insane instincts instead. Letting the demons in my head take over... It isn't sensible, but it works. Numb, cold, sad, hungry. I guess that's life. For now. One day things will be different.

But not today.

Today I have lemon water and green tea and multivitamins for breakfast.
But no food.


  1. I know exactly what you mean. When I hit 116 I wasn't excited AT ALL. It sucks.

    Good job on the weight loss, though!
    My goal is 3.6 lbs under what I weighed today, so I'm a little nervous. I'm sure you can reach yours. Sounds feasible. Good luck!

  2. Please know what you accomplished is fantastic. I am excited for you ! So how about feeling a bit of excitement for me, feeling excited for you!

  3. I totally understand what you mean about losing the weight being a relief instead of joyful the way it is in the beginning (when losing is easier). You are an inspiration, keep going!

  4. Ohhh you're shrinking little girl. Send some motivation my way, please =)


  5. It's hard. You get worn down, and I hate that feeling. I think that's why I had to stop for a bit. Not really like...starting binging and stuff, but just let go and stop thinking about it for a while.

    I think...when I start getting into weights I've been in before, and new lows, I get excited. I didn't really FEEL excited for a while. And I don't dance anymore when the scale goes down. It's a blessed relief, but then it's back to fighting ahead.

    Don't wear yourself out. Remember, it's okay to breathe.

  6. Wow so excited about your weight I wish I wouldn't have let myself go and I was still back at that number.

  7. darling you're such an inspiration to me
    116 is brilliant you should be proud
    keep going hun!!

    and you always have such beautiful pictures on your blog
    p.s. i think i dig those glasses most too

  8. well done on your loss :-D
    I know what you mean about feeling relief more than joy. I get it too.
    your blog is so inspiring to me,
    good luck with your goals :)