Thursday, June 4, 2009

sigh of relief


52.8 kg (116.2 lbs)

Quite a pleasant surprise
I wish I felt more excited about it though. If I gain weight, I feel the miserable sting of failure. But I think I've become desensitised to the joy of losing. Instead of that fluttery butterfly feeling of pride and delight, I just feel relief. As if I've been holding my breath and I can finally exhale again. Not fatter today. Thank goodness.


If I can stay on track I shouldn't have too many problems getting to 52 kg by Monday, my week 1 goal in the competition. IF I can stay on track. I guess I just have to keep holding my breath and forging forward and starving without thinking. If I think, I start to rationalise eating. I need to live by my furtive, desperate, semi-insane instincts instead. Letting the demons in my head take over... It isn't sensible, but it works. Numb, cold, sad, hungry. I guess that's life. For now. One day things will be different.

But not today.

Today I have lemon water and green tea and multivitamins for breakfast.
But no food.
Sigh.

8 comments:

  1. I know exactly what you mean. When I hit 116 I wasn't excited AT ALL. It sucks.

    Good job on the weight loss, though!
    My goal is 3.6 lbs under what I weighed today, so I'm a little nervous. I'm sure you can reach yours. Sounds feasible. Good luck!

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  2. Please know what you accomplished is fantastic. I am excited for you ! So how about feeling a bit of excitement for me, feeling excited for you!

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  3. I totally understand what you mean about losing the weight being a relief instead of joyful the way it is in the beginning (when losing is easier). You are an inspiration, keep going!

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  4. Ohhh you're shrinking little girl. Send some motivation my way, please =)

    xx

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  5. It's hard. You get worn down, and I hate that feeling. I think that's why I had to stop for a bit. Not really like...starting binging and stuff, but just let go and stop thinking about it for a while.

    I think...when I start getting into weights I've been in before, and new lows, I get excited. I didn't really FEEL excited for a while. And I don't dance anymore when the scale goes down. It's a blessed relief, but then it's back to fighting ahead.

    Don't wear yourself out. Remember, it's okay to breathe.

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  6. Wow so excited about your weight I wish I wouldn't have let myself go and I was still back at that number.

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  7. darling you're such an inspiration to me
    116 is brilliant you should be proud
    keep going hun!!

    and you always have such beautiful pictures on your blog
    love
    xo
    p.s. i think i dig those glasses most too

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  8. well done on your loss :-D
    I know what you mean about feeling relief more than joy. I get it too.
    your blog is so inspiring to me,
    good luck with your goals :)
    x

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