Monday, June 15, 2009

Good girls don't swallow

I've kind of sort managed to stave off binging today, but I've chewed up and spat out an incredible amount of food. It's a good way to dispose of the cookies I'm continually baking. It is also giving me some valuable insight as to how voluminous a portion of food is once it's all slimy and masticated, which might prove useful for future purging.

I'm starting to go completely mad. I can't be rational anymore. I would happily stay at this weight forever. I'm close to my goal, I have bony hips I'm continually bruising and my ribs stick out. Things should be fine. But I CAN'T eat without binging. And then I will get fat. My only options are to keep starving and puking and work my way down to full blown diagnostic anorexia nervosa (which I'm only a couple of kilos away from) or get fat. That's it. I don't really want either option. I'm not pro-ana, I don't want to develop anorexia, but I reckon I'm teetering pretty close to it. I want to stabilise and eat normally and well and healthily, but lightly, and stay this size.

But food means panic. I've got in too deep and now I'm FUCKED. I'm seeing an ED therapist at the end of the month and I feel like I'm barely holding on trying to make it to the appointment. I WANT HELP. I want to be taught how to be rational and calm with food. And still in control. But it seems so far away and I'm going out of my fucking mind trying to make it through each day.

I saw my granny this afternoon, and she looked at me and said "you have lost weight, haven't you"... "mayyyybe"... "just don't let it go too far". And that was it. Not very interesting. But it was the way she said it, she knew, understanding not accusation, she could see through me. And I laughed.

I am in this strange, isolated, hysterical state of panic.


  1. Mmm, darlin. Same thing happened to me when I was down your end of the scale.. I snapped out of it and put on a fuck load of weight - and now I wish I had that mindset back. I felt perfect at that weight and I had the strength to keep going and whatevs but circumstances forced me to eat and now I'm a whale! ..

    Enjoy it while it lasts.

    Good luck with it all tho. Don't go too crazy diddums!


  2. I think it would be the right choice to go to the doc. u definitly wouldnt want to be moving away from ur goal weight now that u r so close.
    Maybe now u should learn how to eat "normal"?

  3. Ah my dear, don't you just hate the evil cycles?
    My stomach's feeling stupid. Full and stupid, I think I'd rather empty right now, but I'm damn loud whenever I purge. I just went and ate a tiny bit of dessert. Right off the plate. I feel gross.

    Do you think you'd ever be safe with just a raw carrot, followed by sleep? One day maybe :)

    My mouth is doing it's natural throw up thing. Disgusting. Having to go to the bathroom every 2 seconds to spit it out gets a tad tedious.

    Well this comment turned into a novel.
    Stay strong,hopes for tomorrow. Much love.

  4. Try not to feel like you have to give yourself and ultimatum. It only makes things worse, ok? I did the spit out thing once with some hash browns I made for my mom. It sounds disgusting, but as long as there is a napkin nearby and a tooth brush handy, I can deal with it. Also, I would just have to say do what you need to do in order to be happy with yourself and who you are. No one can tell you how to do that, you have to decide it for yourself. Good luck, darln.

  5. I agree with Ancora.
    If you think you want to start eating, start off with your safe foods.
    And wait it out a week.
    Chances are, you wont be ready, and if you've already started eating actual meals, it'll be harder to get back to where you were.

    Sorry I haven't commented much lately, I've been all over the place, but I'm reading and caring

    This is your choice, your control.
    Think about every outcome and that final ultimatum.
    Much love

  6. Know what you want and go for it. You are in control of you. It's not going to be easy but neither was the road to this point in your life.

    You'll pull through we're all rooting for you!


  7. that's a an amazing picture!