Thursday, March 4, 2010

Yet more punishment

Still eating more than my plan says
But still reigning it in, keeping in control
And punishing myself at the gym each night

I punish myself for everything. Pounding along, pouring sweat, grunting and yelping through my workouts. So many beautiful, tiny, obviously underweight girls at my gym. They all drift along so soft and light, but barely lift a finger on the machines or break into more than a slow jog. And I am made hyper-aware of every bounce and jiggle as I push myself harder and know I need to go harder still. And I burn off all the anguish that the boy brings me. I vocalised my fear and apprehension of impending heartbreak and "I am important to him" but clearly not that important, so I run run run until I can't feel it. And until I can't really feel my legs either. His ex girlfriend who he always loved and will always love posted an emaciated looking photo of herself to her facebook profile. She recently moved away and I guess she's starving herself harder than ever before. And I punish myself for allowing all this fucking fat to get on top of me and smother me when the other girl he has always loved and will always love proudly wears her banner of delicate pain and exquisite beauty. I have a string of old boyfriends who had old girlfriends they would always love. Nobody has ever always loved me. I am a fat nothing. And I eat too much. So I punish myself.

But at least I don't throw up

And last night I threw the half empty jar of lecherous peanut butter into the bin


  1. dear pasco,

    if a boy had any idea of your sense of aesthetics, they would immediately fall in love with you. you are so special. i love this blog, i love the humanity of your writing, i love the way it's constructed, i love the pictures you select. i know people would love to see how creative you are (do people know this about you?).

    keep running, but don't punish yourself too hard. you are amazing. and good job at not throwing up (you can do it!).

  2. Oh God I could cry. Thegym Barbies, the skinny bitch's all so unafair. It slices me up on the inside...all that jealousy.

    And so is punishing yourself.

    Forget that guy! You can't be someone else. you can loose all the weight you possibly can, but you can't be her. If he's wishing that you can do better.

  3. Thankyou SO MUCH for posting this today! It motivated me to workout like crazy for the first time in forever. You are a really great writer.

    And, as grim as it may sound, "at least I don't throw up" is true. Like I said previously, better to over-exercise than to put your body through purging...

  4. you are beautiful. no one earth can tell you otherwise. She is just stupid for not doing anything, but you are moving forward. You are running forward, not weighing yourself back. I have this saying;
    "you never look back when you run. because if you do, you won't move forward any faster."
    You are moving forward and running faster. You are and have always been loved whether it be by a man or girl. You are always loved by someone.

    Be strong darling. We all love you dearly. We won't give on you so don't give up on yourself. =]