I'm not sure if it is a blessing or a curse, but this evening I felt my mind click over into a new place... or a new version of an old place in which it resided several months ago.
I tortured myself at the gym again, and at the end of my workout forced out an extra 150 calories worth of running on the treadmill to "earn" myself a protein when I got home. Then as I went to claim my reward I hesitated. Bank the calories, take advantage of this moment, don't eat it. Or maybe have an apple instead. No! Have the protein bar, it's part of your plan. Why not just nothing? Have nothing! Go on, have nothing... no, the apple. No JUST FUCKING HAVE THE PROTEIN BAR. That screechy internal monologue, the frantic indecision. A week ago I'd have had the protein bar AND the apple and probably a few handfuls of cereal, a slice of cheese and several fingers dipped in peanut butter. Now every decision must be carefully metered and measured against all other options.
I ate the protein bar. It was part of my plan.
But I can sense it, I know it, I've seen it before and I'm seeing it now.
The mind flip.
GORGEOUS pic! I always love the photos you post. :)
ReplyDeleteGod, I totally get the thing about the inner monologue debate about what to eat. Especially after a workout... it drives you crazy. For me, a good after-workout treat is a Crystal Light packet in water. It tastes intense but is very low-cal.
Anyways, I'm really proud of your progress! Congrats on following your plan so well and not purging. You really are doing yourself a favor! :)
Awesome! Protein bar trumps the apple, protein doesn't turn into fat! It goes to muscles and hair- you are gonna be lean & fabulous in no time!!
ReplyDeleteYay for the mind flip!
XO
I was having the same struggle a few days ago. I seriously thought it was just me. I felt these thoughts just showed that I was weak, and that real anas don't have this internal battle because real anas never want to eat no matter what. Thank you so much for letting me know that I am not alone in this struggle to resist food. <3 <3
ReplyDeleteway to think with your mind and not your stomach!! realizing the difference between the two is amazing!
ReplyDeleteAlso great job on keeping up on the work outs! I wish I had your motivation to go all the time.
Keep up the good work!
Strong Thin Love. =]
oh my dear dear dr. pasco, my dear soul mate, you alone see through my words to my burbling soul beneath. i do not have a history of it but have apparently had an episode which preceded this depression, and this feels VERY VERY VERY much the same. so yes. my therapist is considering this diagnosis. it will be extremely interesting to see what she says when i bound in tomorrow all smiles and giggles after seeing her THREE days ago in a depressive near-stupor. HMM.
ReplyDeletei will let you know how it goes.
xx x