Monday, March 1, 2010

it is over


I phoned my Mum in the middle of last night and spat out sobs instead of words at her. She drove straight round to my place and took me home with her.

"Are you pregnant?"
"Did you kill someone?"
"Is it your sister/housemate/boy?"
"What can possibly be so bad, or so embarrassing you can't just tell me?"

It isn't embarrassment, it is shame. And once it is said it cannot be unsaid. I wanted to tell her so badly. Mum HELP ME I have bulimia and my whole body hurts and I throw up continually every day and my whole life is falling apart and everything is completely out of control.

But I just sat there the whole car ride, mute and tearful and shaking my head.

And when we got home we sat and she stroked my hair and we watched shows she'd taped and she fed me pavlova that I didn't even think of throwing up. She knew I needed her, she just didn't know why. And I wish she did but I can't tell her. Because the shame seals my lips shut.


Nobody else can help me. I have to save myself.

I solemnly vow I will never make myself throw up again. Ever. That is it. It is over.

8 comments:

  1. I am so envious of your strength. I hope you stick to your resolve. If I am perfectly honest, I wish that we all had the strength to recover from this, but another part of me can not fathom a world outside of this chaotic addiction of binge,purge, starve. Good luck, Pasco. <3

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  2. Sometimes there are turning points in our lives. Something that just sort of makes you take a good, hard look around and say "I don't want things to be like this anymore. I really, really don't want things to be like this anymore."

    And that gives you the strength to change something that's really hard to change.

    Good luck, I hope this is your turning point.

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  3. You know, I think this might be the sanest thing you've ever said.

    Bravo bravissimo, love you. Love from me.

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  4. Hey I've been reading your blog from a distance.
    But I think that this is amazing.
    Like J said, there is a turning point, and that gives you the strength and the courage to change.
    And I sincerely hope you can.
    Love Andy

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  5. I really hope you can stick to that, girl.
    I am thinking of you.

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  6. You deserve happiness. Be happy & healthy and you will be beautiful.

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  7. Thank the Lord for good and loving mothers.

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  8. I understand you so, so much. This terrifying temptation to tell everything. TO GET RID OF IT. It should be so simple. You would feel relieved, free, light, but somehow you can't. Some dark part of you is keeping you down.

    I wish you good luck, dear.
    You seem like a nice lady.

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