Monday, March 15, 2010


in the head.
I phoned work and told them I wouldn't be coming in today.

Made an appointment with a new GP. Walked in, stated my case, walked out literally about 45 seconds later with a blood form, a psychologist referral, a sick note and script for vanlafaxine with 5 repeats. She didn't even ask me if I was thinking of killing myself, which was disappointing because I was looking forward to saying "yes".

All day has been surreal and I've felt lost and bewildered. So far it's my 5th day purge free but I really don't give a shit. I guess I just want to be able to answer my mother honestly if she ever asks me when I last threw up. The bigger the number the better. I phoned the psychologist and he sounded young and silly and expensive. I'm seeing him Thursday night, but I'm not really seeing the point.

For the record, I'm not going to kill myself.
But I'm almost always thinking about it.


  1. never tell them you are thinking of killing yourself - well at least in the US, that'll get you put on lock down & suicide watch for up to 24 fun (unless you are actually afraid you'll hurt yourself)

    & best of luck to you, just chat with the doc & if he is silly, move on to someone else you can respect the opinion of

  2. Thank God there is a step between thinking about killing oneself and actually doing it.
    Don´t be stupid, girl, you are stronger than this and you can do everything you ever wanted. Sometimes it´s just so hard to find out what you want.
    Maybe right now you need someone to care for you, and this is what you should get.

    I wish you all the best.

  3. oh my dear heart, my dear, how is it we are always always at the same exact place? how? soul mates. death is always here with me and i do destructive things to avoid it. i get mad when they don't ask me what i've been doing, whether i'm suicidal. of course the answer is always more complicated than "yes".

    please. if you don't like the psych, fire him and find a new one. i had to fire a douche-canoe of a psych before i found my lovely and amazing and wonderful psych. and it's worth it. because she is my only support right now (other than you guys). it's worth it.

    i have been losing weight and throwing up or not and i also also do not give a shit. it's so not about that anymore. benzodiazopines are my go-to these days.

    anyway love i wanted to say that i'm here with you. you have to push through this awful foggy whirlwind but you will, you will settle on some sort of help, a good psych, a good GP, and support and it will help.

    now i have to toddle off to therapy for the fourth time this week. it gets worse before it gets better but i know it will get better someday.

    LOVE xx x

  4. I know what you mean. I have a terrible habit of trying to explain mental disorders to people when I'm drunk and almost always slip in a casual mention of 'yes I think about killing myself, but I'd never actually DO it'. Then I get to spend the rest of my night trying to convince them that it wasn't a 'cry for help', but rather me trying to explain that their all fucking idiots who don't know the difference between thinking about it and acting on it.

    Sorry for the random rant. I hope things look up for you soon.

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

  5. I<3you and maybe your psych will be very attractive and even though you have to fire him as your psych you and him can go get a nice coffee.

    Anyway, yes I wouldn't mind if I got hit by a bus right now also, but I'd just feel quite bad about all the poor people that would be oh so sad.
    Anyway I hope you find a nice psych and that this comment will post because I wrote a much nicer comment 10 hours ago on this and it would not post, so god speed little comment.


  6. Good luck with the new Docs.

    And I'm under the suspicion that Kelly's right - if you outright say you plan to kill yourself, they'll put you on watch.

    (And I, too, think about offing myself with frightening regularity. I daresay I've even had "plans", but thankfully for me it comes and goes.)

  7. Wow is it really that bad in the US? In the UK I'm pretty sure they expect you to have suicidal feelings. In fact I don't think they even think you have any problems unless you're talking about wanting to kill yourself. Perhaps we're just more melodramatic over here. (btw I don't mean to trivialise the way you feel or say you're in any way being melodramatic! Just suicide gets talked about a lot between me and my friends, and various members of 'the services'. They're big fans of the Beck Depression Inventory, which has lots of lovely questions about suicidal thoughts)

    Good luck with the psych. My first therapist was an a** so don't be disheartened if you don't get a good one and don't be afraid to keep trying people til you find someone who isn't a total w*****

    Elle x

  8. I love your blog, you are a wonderful writer & person, and I hope you will find the strenght to not give up..
    I also hope the appointment with the psych tonight goes well, and if it doesn't you will surely find another one who is more suited to your needs.

    I'm always on the fence about whether I believe the therapy actually accomplishes anything, myself... but the lady I go to atm is acutally pretty nice, and makes me feel better about things occasionally; so I'd say do give the guy a chance.

    Much love from an avid reader & lurker
    xx Mary

  9. feel any lighter for it? i would imagine it gets less surreal fairly quickly.

    hows it going now? have you been able to tell your mum a respectable number of days without purging yet? i hope so. xxxxx