Sunday, March 14, 2010

It has barely been mentioned

I can't remember the details of Friday night because I was so full of booze and benzodiazepines, just sobbing into the phone to her for a long time. I'm not sure how much I told her, suffice to say I think it was a lot and I think it was fairly honest.

I still wish I hadn't

I think I'm surprised there isn't more judgement. My vague recollection of her reaction is that it didn't feel like a big deal. I still feel watched. I still feel it hanging between us. I made her swear not to tell anyone and not to tell dad, but I suspect she will.

This is the woman who read my diary after all
A mother who doesn't always respect secrets

I sense she wants to talk about it,
but I really don't
And yet
I sense she doesn't quite understand it,
but I want her to

She has been quietly kind and supportive, her occasional probing questions gentle, I know she is doing her best.


  1. oh soulmate, i am so proud of you. and i am jealous too. because your mother is being kind and supportive even though she doesn't understand. i told my parents about my strange mood swings and all i got was a stony silence. a "our daughter is broken again" and "don't tell the rest of the family because it will look bad for us" and "why are you doing this to us" silence. and this was without even telling them about the return of the eating disorder. i want to scream and yell and say "this is about ME, god damn it!" and "please just love me and take care of me", but of course i don't. because apparently they can't. instead i throw up and throw up and throw up in silence. and call my therapist. because at least i can pay her to pay attention to me.

    so to know that someone is taking care of you even if she doesn't really understand makes me so happy. and relieved. and i love you. and i'm glad you told even if you aren't right now.

    god i just re-read that and realize i sound horribly dramatic and whiny. sorry. really i ought to go take some klonopin. yummm.

    xx x

  2. My mum is the same. She really doesn't know what to do or what to say but I know she is supportive. If she isn't openly speaking about it it's probably because she's scared of your reaction and you pushing her away. I really really couldn't talk to my mum about how I felt so what I did was bought a book about bulimia and binge eating (Overcoming binge eating by dr christopher fairburn)and underlined all the bits in it that reflected how I felt and what I do. I still can't talk about it but she knows how I'm feeling and what will help me from that. Maybe that is something you could do? (also I'd really recommend that book anyway for yourself).

    Good luck xxx

    p.s. Anise that is really sad :( at least you can come on here and rant about it and get things off your chest a bit x

  3. I know that this is extremely hard for you, but it is hard for your mother, too. I thinks she needs some time to let it sink in, some time to decide what she can do, and some time to find the strength to talk to you about this again.
    It was a huge step for you to tell her, and you will have to make some more huge steps, and she will have to do the same.
    Just believe in the love you both share, and it will work out one day.

    I wish you all the best.

  4. Your mom sounds nice, if not a bit nosy.
    You're lucky you have her.

  5. Maybe it will feel good to talk about it. Sometimes getting it out there is such a release of stress and pain that it helps w/ the whole situation.