Monday, March 8, 2010


My mum can't understand why I never want to come home to see her. It's hard to explain that I associate her house with eating and I can't be there without binging. So having been coerced over for dinner tonight, I was at panic stations. At pre-dinner grocery shopping I was so crippled by anxiety I had to huddle myself down on a pile of toilet paper in a promo display. The anticipation and the calorie counting and the bargaining, remembering my pledge that vomiting was not an option, a way out of it. Strategising. Knowing it was hopeless.

We made pizza for dinner and for a few brief moments during the preparation and the nibbling and the playing with ingredients it was almost fun. But then it came to the eating, with trembling hands and lurching stomach. Afterwards I sat on the kitchen floor with awkward tears and no explanations for them. If I sat there, if I just sat there long enough, I would digest enough of that pizza that I couldn't throw it up. I needed to pee, but if I went near the toilet I knew there would be no way to stop myself. So I sat and sat and sat, and when finally it became time to settle beside my mother on the couch I accepted her hot chocolate and her cuddles and everything slowly became OK.


  1. Great job Pasco I am so proud for you! I know that that must have been crazy hard to do but you did it! You stronger than you know :)

    Just keep swimming!
    (gotta love Nemo)


  2. you are doing it! i know that feeling well of just sitting and not moving long enough that it'll be too late. i'm so proud of / pleased for / ecstatic for you!!

    i'm so glad you mom is giving you cuddles without demanding to know why. best mom ever.

    xx x

  3. That was a milestone Pasco! YOU DID IT! It's hard enough not puking in our normal environment but to go on triggering grounds and prevail, you're a rockstar!!

  4. YOU ARE A SUCCESS!!!!! Glad you were able to break through this moment. Keep it up girl-- you can do this!!