Monday, March 8, 2010

Lulu the wise

She told me it was a stupid idea and she was right.

So I did better than that. Much Better. I ate about 800 calories and I went to the gym and knocked off about 400. An impressive and moderate effort I think. It stills feels terrible. I still feel the weightiness of food inside me and I'm horrible and blubbery and revolting and all I want to do is NEVER EAT AGAIN...

...but it would be stupid, fucking stupid, to try. Because I would fail and I would stay bulimic the rest of my life. Instead, here I am, a whole solid 7 days BULIMIA FREE!

I struggle endlessly with incredibly disordered bulimialike eating though. I pretty much didn't eat all day, then decided to have a light dinner. Which led to more light dinner, to more and more and more light dinner. Thank goodness I had previously abolished all the junk food from my house or I'd likely have demolished it too. The only way I could stop myself eating was to race as fast as I could to my car and drive to the gym. It was more about distraction from food that it was about burning calories.

At the moment this is helping, but to be honest it is really just another form of purging. Granted, I'm not allowing myself to binge first to the same extend as if I were throwing up. But still, it won't always be an option for me. I won't always be in a situation where I can dart off and burn off everything I've eaten. And the more important thing is to learn how to stop eating. To just STOP without needing some urgent other task or distraction.

I'll get there eventually.
Baby steps.

In the mean time, Lulu, I love you xx
And the rest of you too



  1. pasco, you can not imagina how proud it makes me to read you being 7days without MIA !! :D*bighug* keep on going!! I so far I have managed 4 days but I feel the mean nasty urge getting stronger and stronger and to eb honest,the only reason I have not b/p yet is that I am almost broke atm. But I will get some money on Wed or Thurs and I almost KNOW that I will break then. But at least it would have been 6-7 days in a row and that is better than nothing right? we stumble and fall quite a few times on our journey but we keep going,don't we?
    the problem to stop is sooo familiar to me... I wanted to eat very healthy stuff the whole first it worked but then I could not stop and felt soooo pregnant. And then some time I broke and started eating stuff that is bad for me,like bread..and more bread and oatmeal...bye bye carrots...
    I think I cna either eat nothing,or close to it, or stuff my face lika a madman.
    sigh, anway am glad Lulu helped you :D
    *does the proud of pasco dance*

  2. I am so proud of you! well done, I know you can do it, you strong beautiful girl. it's hard, but you will get there, hang on, x.

  3. I just did the exact same thing myself. Did so well all day, hit the gym first thing, felt good and powerful, then I get home, ate a salad for dinner and kept going. We'll get there in the end though. Props for the seven days.

  4. I just did the exact same thing. Started off at the gym, ate so well all day, got home, ate a salad as per my plan, and just kept on eating. I'm sure we'll get there though. We're stronger than we think, we only need to believe that. Props for the seven days.