I'm leeeeeaving, on a jet puh-lane

Tomorrow afternoon I'm rushing straight from uni to the airport. I'm going interstate for 10 days to stay with a friend and have a holiday. This is very exciting and spontaneous, which amazes me as I NEVER do anything at all exciting or spontaneous EVER. I, the eternal traveler on the path of least resistance to the realm of unfulfillment.

But not tomorrow!
Do you suppose this means I'm getting better?

The eating thing is scary though. Me and Lu, we got this pact, see? No binging, no purging. Particularly the no purging, cause I reckon when you get that down pat, the binging becomes more consequential so fucking harden up and stop it ay. So anywho, as I was saying, me and Lu, Lu and me, pact, right? Today I consumed the rather high but rather normal total of 800 very healthy calories (except the 200 calories of giant freddo which were possible unhealthy) which makes 2 good days out of a 5 day pact (see me and Lu, right, we got this pact, see? Well, you get it, mmm). I am super impressed with myself. Good healthy normal day, still low by good healthy normal standards for normal healthy good people. Halfway between maintaining and restricting I suppose. If I could do that every day for the rest of my life I'd be stupendously happy.

However all that was entirely dependent on an extremely contained, controllable, calm situation. Plain sailing with no interference. So essentially what I'm saying is as of tomorrow I'm up to my neck is exciting, spontaneous, tempestuous seas. I'm a bit fucked, if you will. Oh dear. Not to mention in a moment of idiocy a while back I told the friend I'm staying with I have "eating issues", so now I will most likely be monitored. Oh dear. I never mentioned anything about the purging but I'm sure she will have a low threshold of suspicion. Oh dear. Which would be great if it limits my purging, except that there will be nothing to limit my eating. And eating with no option to purge usually results in panic, which results in poorly covert purging, which results in a whole lot of OH DEAR.

So, the entire debacle will begin on the flight tomorrow evening. Which will be 5 hours or so of cookies and bread rolls and peanuts and all that fun stuff. It's like being carried away on a ship of fools to meet an island of insanity, except the island is a city and the ship is a plane and I am already insane.

Any of that make any sense?
Mmm, didn't think so

BON VOYAGE (to me)

x

New Plan:

Didn't work

Old plan:
Didn't work

Plan before that:
Didn't work

Eating normally:
Didn't work

I just want to cry my fucking eyes out but I can't even muster up a tear. Ever feel just so desolate and hopeless? Where you can't even quite feel the satisfaction of being sorry for yourself?

I want to just say "never again" and mean it. I just want to stop. STOP.

I still haven't done any work.

Sitting here drinking yet more gastrolyte and dreaming of sleep. Blood test tomorrow to see if my shoddy self-doctoring has managed to keep my electrolytes at all in check. Ulcers in my mouth and chapped lips that just won't heal. Stomach aching in that strange way of fullness meeting emptiness.

I haven't gained the weight back. Yet. But what does it matter? This is no way to live.

Lulu, honey, you know what this is like. I know you know. How the fuck do you get through it? We need to get through it. We can't do this to ourselves anymore. We are throwing our lives away like trash

Frozen

Most of you girls are enjoying your northern hemisphere summer at the moment, but do spare a thought for we poor dears down under. Heading into the depths of winter, and given I lack motivation and initiative at the best of times, being unable to inch away from the crappy little radiator heater in my freezing old house makes me practically completely inert. A cold corpulent corpse.

It sucks for food too. Cravings for hot things. Chocolate. Bread. And winter fruit is shit. No berries. No peaches. No sunshine and perspiration quenched with iced water and long refreshing gulps of diet coke. None of the little things that make it easier to eat the way we eat and do what we do.

So here I am, clutching at my radiator, yearning for summer...


x

Hey Savory!

This is my house:


OK, it's not really
But it will be!

Unless I can't afford it, then I'll just have to have a fabulous apartment instead:






... one day

I think England and America are both equally forever away from me. I live in the most isolated city in the most isolated country in the world...

But I'll fly you over when I buy my house!

Badest Binge

... of my life to this point.

Awful, couldn't stop. I am in a bad BAD place... wasn't I only just recently back in a good place? Maybe not. I can't even remember. But I feel as though I've been binging and purging on a daily basis for a long long time now. I wish I could snap out of it. Ah shit. Poo bum shit.

I come up with a new plan practically every day, but here's another one to invest all my hope in. The fruit and veg and icecream plan. I'll only eat raw fruit and veg. But keep a big stock of icecream. Then, if I end up binging, which I invariably will, I can only binge on icecream. Its about the easiest and least damaging thing to puke. I'm sick of throwing up the disgusting conglomerate of crap I ingest through desperate binges of cereal and cheese and nuts and god-fucking-knows-what-else. So, this plan has no hope of fixing me, but will hopefully get on track for a little harm minimisation. Probably a good idea.

Now I think I might knock myself out with a cocktail and a few temazepam.

Savory, get your ass here and march me to my spa session!

♥

What lovely lovely lovely girls you all are
LOVE
:)

Yesterday was quite uneventful. No, wait, for me it was actually very eventful because it wasn't NOTHING which is the usual eventual turn of events! Ate bugger all (yay - anorexic housemate was a big deterrent) then drank super lots, including BEER. Questionable judgement. Although I did shake my tail feather somewhat.

Now the following pains me to say because it is TREMENDOUSLY boastful but I could never tell anybody else in real life without them proceeding to hate me (like they don't already), and I have to tell SOMEBODY because it made me so happy! I was shaking said tail feather, and a boy tapped me on the shoulder, said "thought you should know you are the prettiest girl I have seen in a long time" and walked away! If he had tried to hit on me I'd have assumed it was bullshit, but I never saw him again. Perhaps he just picked up on how insecure I had been feeling all night and wanted to lift my spirits. Or perhaps he was going round to every girl in the place and saying it to them for a bit of a mind fuck. In any case I don't care, it was nice, and something to smile about when I woke up this morning.

Although now I have a headache and a bollocks-load of well overdue work to do... spirits gradually sinking... oh damn

response for anonymous

Oh you are so right. I'm not particularly thin, and certainly not thin enough to feel ill. However I did used to be fairly hugely fat (which I hate to admit to you my tiny friend) so even a little bony-ness sticks in my mind. Besides which I am a pretty damn bony person. I have this unfortunate situation where all my fat clings to my arms and legs but spares my body. It is very deceptive, because I still have quite a lot to lose but I have this hideous bony bird chest and jutty hip bones which concern my mother but are misrepresentative of my actual weight.

I do feel ill. Quite ill. I'm first and foremost completely depressed, and this eating business is just a recent secondary manifestation of that. Still, I think just about every single person on here is fairly miserable too. It's entirely self indulgent for me to moan about it when I really don't have it so bad. Bear with me x

completely off-fucking-balance!

fuck
fuck
FUCK

this is such a simple plan so why is it NOT WORKING???
it worked all day until I decided to just have ONE chocolate biscuit because there were only 2 left which meant I should just have the other and finish them off which meant FUCK THIS YOU NEED TO PURGE GO EAT ALL THE CHEAP ASS CHOCOLATE YOU CAN SCROUNGE OUT OF YOUR PARENTS KITCHEN AND THEN SPEW SPEW SPEW

So now another evening of antacids and gastrolyte and hoping like hell I haven't wrecked my teeth or my insides

I may have already mentioned this, but in case you missed it, f.u.c.k.

matter of balance

I approached the scales this morning with great trepidation, but at 51.7 kg I was pleasantly surprised. Things seem pretty static. I'm ecstatic. Well, not ecstatic, but if I can stick to this plan and not gain any weight I will at least be relieved and satisfied. Hooray stasis! Plateau please, I welcome you. Not up, not down, and NOT CRAZY, just neatly balanced.

And speaking of balance, I've recently noticed a new measure of thinness. When I lie on my stomach, propped on my elbows, I notice that my weight is distributed across my hip bones and my lower ribs. My belly is somewhat spared. It's nice to feel your body being supported through your bones, like a tripod with 4 points. Which I know makes absolutely no sense because I tripod has 3 points but I don't know what the 4-pointed equivalent is. A quadpod? Hmmm


In other news I haven't been going to uni and doing any of my homework and I'm speeding towards an incredibly huge amount of trouble. And pain. And failure. I've been treading water just trying to get through each day lately and hanging out in hospital with dying old people and cruel consultants is just more than I can bear. Today it is suddenly collapsing on me in big fat wave of panic. I have to deal with this, and food is not the way to handle it. But I'm feeling pretty stuck. I just need to fucking do it but even thinking about it makes me want to put my head in the oven.

From now on until I'm not insane:

Breakfast: 200 cal carbs/fruit/egg
Lunch: Raw veg + 200 cal raw nuts/eggs/low fat cheese
Dinner: 200 cal fresh fruit/diet jelly
Snacks: Carrot/celery sticks

600 a day
Straightforward
Doable

A little normalcy? Here's hoping

Good girls don't swallow

I've kind of sort managed to stave off binging today, but I've chewed up and spat out an incredible amount of food. It's a good way to dispose of the cookies I'm continually baking. It is also giving me some valuable insight as to how voluminous a portion of food is once it's all slimy and masticated, which might prove useful for future purging.

I'm starting to go completely mad. I can't be rational anymore. I would happily stay at this weight forever. I'm close to my goal, I have bony hips I'm continually bruising and my ribs stick out. Things should be fine. But I CAN'T eat without binging. And then I will get fat. My only options are to keep starving and puking and work my way down to full blown diagnostic anorexia nervosa (which I'm only a couple of kilos away from) or get fat. That's it. I don't really want either option. I'm not pro-ana, I don't want to develop anorexia, but I reckon I'm teetering pretty close to it. I want to stabilise and eat normally and well and healthily, but lightly, and stay this size.

But food means panic. I've got in too deep and now I'm FUCKED. I'm seeing an ED therapist at the end of the month and I feel like I'm barely holding on trying to make it to the appointment. I WANT HELP. I want to be taught how to be rational and calm with food. And still in control. But it seems so far away and I'm going out of my fucking mind trying to make it through each day.

I saw my granny this afternoon, and she looked at me and said "you have lost weight, haven't you"... "mayyyybe"... "just don't let it go too far". And that was it. Not very interesting. But it was the way she said it, she knew, understanding not accusation, she could see through me. And I laughed.


I am in this strange, isolated, hysterical state of panic.

Nothing says self-sabotage quite like...

baking an entire batch of chocolate eclairs


My weekend can be summed up in one word: messy

To add a few more words it was a giant whirlwind of cream and fingers and smeared chocolatey face and stickiness and vomit and dizzy dizzy dizzyness. The memory is more like a dream now.

When you come in, you're in for good

There's no way out of here
When you come in
You're in for good

There was no promise made
The part you played
The chance you took

There are no answers here
When you look out
You don't see in

There's no way out of here
When you come in
You're in for good



I'm pretty sure David Gilmour was talking about heroin, but it wouldn't surprise me if he was actually referring to his life as a closet anorexic. This just came on my playlist and it resonated with my whole day's musings. I'm shocked at my ability to get so sick so fast. Sometimes my head feels clear and I feel so normal, but everything is different. Everything. There bloody well absolutely is no way out of here.

51.1kg (112.4 lbs) just then. But it's 5 o'clock in the arvo and I haven't had anything to eat or drink today. I was going to have a healthy dinner but now I'm not so sure. When you make it a whole day without feeling hungry or even thinking about food, why not make the most of it and starve on?

An anonymous hater?

Fuck me, man
Does this mean I've hit the big time?
Awesome

Hot Chocolate

I tsp cocoa powder
1 tsp splenda
1 pinch cinnamon
1/2 pinch nutmeg
1 drop vanilla extract
Hot water
Dash skim milk


20ish calories
Not totally fabulous, but not bad!

I was just experimenting
Trying not to binge
I'm going to though
I can tell
I can feel it
Eating away at me
But I'm putting it off...
and off...
as long as I can


EDIT:

Not very long

My throat is burning
My eyes are streaming
My mascara is on my cheeks
My nose won't stop running

If you could only bottle this feeling
And take a big whiff before the binge
You'd never ever do it

You never think it will be this bad

WHAT THE FUCK???

Shabby Shame

My dear anonymous commenter, thank you. You sounded like a bitch? No, not really. Most people would rather be obsequious than tell the truth. If you don't have anything nice to say, you should probably still say something. Otherwise you exaggerate people's self-esteem bias and contribute yet more arrogance to a race of assholes.

Besides, it was true. Mostly I just feel embarrassed to have posted those pictures at all. Talking myself up so much and then parading around like a fucking fool in itchy apricot polyester. God, I'd throw up a bit in my mouth if I'd eaten anything today.

It's funny how one negative comment can wash away a page of lovely ones (thanks so much girls, you made me smile) but it really hit close to home. I strive to present an easy elegance but have really just landed on a cheap, synthetic, 70s throwback form of shabby chic. Abhorrent. Ouch! You've pretty much just echoed my self doubt and amplified my self loathing.

In my own defense though, there was some lovely 1950s pink silk in the mix and that skirt is FUCKING AWESOME. With a 23inch waist. I can accept a difference of opinion.

Finally, I totally applaud you for having the balls to be mean. But come onnn? What WAS bitchy was doing it anonymously! BORRRRING!

Fuck I'm hungry
Fuck

fashion shoot

I know this is incredibly self-indulgent, but you asked for it, you got it.
A snap shot of Pasco's little life:


Only a remnant remains...

Fitting in

I have clothes.
Lots and lots of them.
I am a shopaholic and a hoarder.
I bleed money and accumulate things.
The older the better. The flouncier the better.
Beauty and history and old lady smell and old lady lace.


Anywho. Today I went through my extensive collection and started to try on things. It started with the things that used to be a teensy bit small. They fit. I suspected as much, but you have to start easy, don't you? Moved on to the things that used to be significantly too small. They fit. Wicked. I'd been hoping they might. It felt nice. Next I moved onto the amazing and incredible tiny little fragile pieces that would never-in-a-million-years fit me that I hold onto only for their artistic loveliness. They fit. Easily. I did not expect this at all. When I bought them I didn't think they would ever fit anybody!

Queue euphoric stupor

I'm fasting today and it's given me some serious motivation. Freaks me out how easy fasting is. So much easier than deciding what to eat. I have desperately wanted a crumpet with peanut butter for days. I even bought crumpets and peanut butter. But I can't eat one because I can't decide if the 200 calories is definitely better than 200 calories of something else. Does my head in. Eating nothing is so simple.

So here's to no food and fitting into things!

Riding along on a carousel, will I catch up to you?

Round and round and round and round and round
And round and round and round with you
Up, down, up, down, up, down too

On a carousel (do de do de dooo etc)


I ate really well today. Berries for breakfast, banana for lunch. Came unstuck at dinner. Made the loveliest, healthiest vegie soup thing. And ate too much of it. Probably still only 200 cals. It was just water and vegetables! Should have been fine. But the feeling of fullness in my stomach was making me anxious and I wanted it OUT. So I outed it. Which was stupid because then I figured my day was ruined and I may as well binge and purge some ice cream then go to bed on a belly full of laxatives.


Hence all this up down up down nonsense
Seems to be all I do all day. Food in, food out. Food down, food up. Food round and round in my head. I think I'll hit tomorrow hard. Maybe fast. Hard and fast? Fasting hard? Fast hard fast hard. Need to fast. Bad. It's hard.

hard bad fast up down blah whatever


Soon you'll leave and then I'll lose you,
still we're going round
On a carousel,
On a carousel



Ta Da!

x

Berries For Breakfast

Really, is there anything better?
Beautiful, delicious and energy-light. I just wish they weren't so expensive. When I graduate and start working, I think perhaps I will start to live a berry-only life.

The last few months I really have cemented a pattern. My weekends are for collapsing into my mother's arms in tears, going home with her, recuperating a little, purging a lot. Then the weeks are for regrouping, starving and emotionally deteriorating. It sounds shit, and like I should work on changing it, but somehow it seems to balance out. The eating never gets too out of control, the sadness never becomes too overwhelming. My weight fluctuates around a little but the overall trend is downwards.

I think maybe for now I'll be OK
Thank you all for your lovely love
x

rape me

You all mean so much to me it feels pointless to attempt to describe it. I guess you all know it because we're all in it together. We have a collective misery. Still, on those rare instances when we experience some collective joy it all becomes worth it.

I'm beginning to accept that this may be forever.

Friday night was awful. I went out to a hospital-doctory-after-work-drinks function thing. I generally avoid that crowd because I find it loathsome. Then again, I find social situations loathsome in general and for that reason it's been a long time since I have really been out. But particularly with "med people". Friday night though I decided to try, because I don't want to die alone in a cat-riddled hermitage. I don't feel thin, I still see the same thing in the mirror that I've always seen, just with a few more bones. So I become complacent about the fact that I have lost a significant amount of weight which has some shock value for people who haven't seen me in a while.

So despite the enormity of the throng of people there I still managed to be greeted by strange looks, concerned whispers and general discomfort among my peers. I hate that. HATE it. People expect me to be fat, so they are surprised by me. I don't want people to EXPECT me to be fat! I want people to forget the fat me ever existed. I just want to be shiny new and lovely. Mesmerising, not controversial and disconcerting.

Still, I acknowledge that it has to happen. People will notice the change then hopefully gradually get used to it and forget I was ever any different. I can try to appreciate the concern. Blame it on my break up. Laugh it off. That was OK.

But then the atmosphere changed. Boys wanted me. Lots of them. Boys who never paid me any attention before. Boys I thought had been friends, who I had joked with and laughed with before. Nice boys. Sweet, kind boys. Not handsome or special, just the run of the mill decent guys I had known for a long time.

Now they were groping me. Grabbing me. Following me. Sending me lewd text messages from unknown numbers. Insulting, ugly, sexually explicit. Contemptuous and disrespectful, misogynistic. And I got progressively more drunk. Anxious. Really fucking panicky anxious. I wanted out. I felt sick. I felt revolting and obscene. There was stumbling and embarrassment and falling and fighting back tears, which led to the threat of "rescue". People trying to take advantage of me. Knowing it but feeling helpless to get away. Alone in a crowd of people who would maul me to death at any moment.

I sound so full of myself. It wasn't like that.

It was like being raped
By people I trusted

And the worst thing was that horrifying, sickening knowledge that the only difference to any other time was that now I am thin. Apparently concerningly thin. Probably too thin. Enough to raise eyebrows and insight gossip.

and
that
was
what
they
wanted

People will never ever ever accept you for who you are. They will hate and resent you in any form, and emotionally rape you when you are at your frailest and most vulnerable. You can gain weight and you will disgust them, you can lose weight and they won't care. They'll be attracted to your sadness and the ease with which they can tear you apart.

I was so angry and sad and hurt. AM so angry and sad and hurt. Disgusted. It is disgusting. I want to get thinner so they see how much they hurt me, but it won't work, they'll just hurt me more and strip me down until I am nothing.

I don't know who I do this for anymore
I don't know anything
I'm just weary and the world seems like a sad and hopeless place full of monsters

Except for you, my girls. Always there, genuinely caring. With a special and unique insight. Seeing the world for what it is and fighting it in the only way we know how. Against ourselves. Taking all that pain and hatred and casting it over our bodies. Hurting ourselves so deeply that we may become exquisitely beautiful.


I have been hazy for days. Now I have a million of your words to read and I don't want to miss a single one.

I love you
x

help

i'm drunk

and i want to die

please, anybody, say something encouraging

Good Morning Darlings!

Last night I dreamed I had to go to a big group eating disorders therapy session. And the waiting room was crammed with people, so many of whom I recognised. We all had to go in together, squeezed into a tiny room with the counsellor. And I knew the answers to all this strange bulimia trivia he kept asking. I also dreamed about grocery shopping. Seems my subconscious is pretty on par with my consciousness. Shame, neither are very interesting.

Yesterday was my third good day in a row
This beast really does have a cyclical nature
But god I love the upstrokes!

Yesterday was amazing. I did things. THINGS. Not much, not very exciting. But my body actually moved from its regular comatose prone position on the couch and accomplished a few minor tasks.

And imbibed 435 calories. None too shabby.
23 points.

I need to go weigh myself now. Reckon I'll be up on yesterday... I suspect yesterday was a fluke. Back in a sec...





ORRRIGHT!!! 52.1 kg! 114.6 lbs!
NEW ALL TIME LOW
and this time I AM excited
even skipped back into my room

Oh glorious day! Maybe this will inspire me to do THINGS again

sigh of relief

52.8 kg (116.2 lbs)

Quite a pleasant surprise
I wish I felt more excited about it though. If I gain weight, I feel the miserable sting of failure. But I think I've become desensitised to the joy of losing. Instead of that fluttery butterfly feeling of pride and delight, I just feel relief. As if I've been holding my breath and I can finally exhale again. Not fatter today. Thank goodness.


If I can stay on track I shouldn't have too many problems getting to 52 kg by Monday, my week 1 goal in the competition. IF I can stay on track. I guess I just have to keep holding my breath and forging forward and starving without thinking. If I think, I start to rationalise eating. I need to live by my furtive, desperate, semi-insane instincts instead. Letting the demons in my head take over... It isn't sensible, but it works. Numb, cold, sad, hungry. I guess that's life. For now. One day things will be different.

But not today.

Today I have lemon water and green tea and multivitamins for breakfast.
But no food.
Sigh.

off to sleep now after a grand total of 230 calories and 16 points
oh please may I weigh less than 54kg in the morning

a little lighter

in the head
and hopefully on the scale


I love the purity and euphoria of a light head. To float just slightly higher off the ground. To lean gently against door frames. Trail your fingertips along the wall as you walk. Serene, airy, delicate, careful not to faint.



So intoxicating. What better incentive not to eat. Who would want to lose that feeling, only to return to a state of dull, tangible heaviness.

...

Yesterday's points: +18
So far today I have flooded myself with green tea and cool water, no calories
I don't think I will weigh myself today
I will meter my success in dizziness not numbers
Perhaps by tomorrow I will be in positive points

all my love

Yesterday was a hellish start to the weight loss competition...

- over max intake: -10
- exercise: none
- water: +1 x 4 = +4
- binging: -5 x 3 = -15
- purging: -5 x 3 = -15
- encouraging teammates: +3
- bonus question +10

Total: -23

So far today I've done considerably better. Had 100 cal of watermelon for breakfast and nothing else. I'm deliberating over whether to make some baked fish and raw veg for dinner, or hold out completely. Either way I should come out well under my 700 cal max allowance. I can't decide if I should give myself any exercise points for walking to uni and back, 45 mins in total. Maybe half points.

Saw my psychologist this afternoon for our last session. We are only allowed to get a certain amount subsidised by the uni. I fucking love her. It's like having a friend who is only interested in hearing about your shit. I can just talk and talk at her for hours, and she always lets me go overtime. She is the only person in the world where I feel the safety to say everything and anything, unedited, exactly as it comes to me, face to face. I think I'll miss her a lot. If only I had actual friends it mightn't be so bad. I could muse endlessly on my inherent insecurities that cause me to be so attached to my therapist... but really I think it's just nice to be able to explode all over someone who is paid to pretend to care.

I want to reinvent myself. Really dig deep and find any tendrils of personality I do have tucked away, then dredge them up and try to make them more a part of me. Shake this zombie off my brain. I want to feel like I'm actually living my life. Have people know me. Love me. Define myself somehow. Develop a little identity. Even now I'm boring myself with the cliches. I'm sorry. I still can't stand myself. But I'm trying.

All of you are so wonderful. Sometimes I think if I could meet some of you in real life we could be real friends. Make life slightly better for one another. But then, perhaps this is a sort of support that can only function in this ambivalent anonymous medium. Quite sad really. Still, usually I feel more genuine warmth and affection here than from anywhere else.

WE GET EACH OTHER

We are so separate from the rest of society in the way we feel, think and function, yet so similar to one another. I think that's why I really love you so much. I know you, because it's like looking in the mirror at my own life, without the veil of self-loathing. An inborn error we all possess for hatred which is firmly pointed inward but completely absent in our appraisal of others.

My friends
My girls
My self

and ALL my love


xx

What it means for me

I didn't have the best day today. I saw an old ex boyfriend, and it was fine, but when he left I cried and cried for hours. I relived the rejection I experienced when I first found out he never loved me back. I overreact to every situation in my life because I perceive everything as rejection.

And I'm slowly coming to realise that the truth is I despise myself. I have no personality. I am nothing. I am a shell of a person. I go through life touching nobody, obsolete. And what's more, disgusting. Detestable and ugly. I absolutely loathe myself. And so I assume that nobody else could conceivably love me either.

So I feel as though all I can possibly do to not be completely worthless is to be thin. Even if it is impossible for anybody to love me, if I am a fragile, brittle, sad little girl, people may at least want to take care of me. Look after me. And maybe that is enough.

I need to BE thin
Because at least then I would BE something