Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts...

...it's not easy facing up when your whole world is black

Can't break out of this abyss. Mood swings, panic stations, food. NO CONTROL
I mean how hard can it be to just not eat something? Hand to mouth to chew to swallow. Just no. Why not just say no?

Still, I can't keep going like this

I spent a fortune at the supermarket today. I bought "healthy normal person good food" things like grainy bread and reduced fat cheese. I think I need to try and go on a "healthy normal person good food" diet for a while. I don't want to be a normal healthy person FAT COW but I need to at least stabilise a bit. Just have to stop crazy binging. And if I can stabilise around 800-1000 cal a day for a while, then I can start tapering it off again and get back to some good restricting.

But I also bought a whole bunch of antacid tablets and sugarfree sports drinks and low fat chocolate icecream. I figure if I'm going to binge, at least I have a harm minimisation strategy in place. Antacids first, easily purged icecream second, electrolyte replacing sports drinks and more antacids to finish... I have no idea if the antacids or sports drinks will actually do anything to protect my body... does anyone know of anything else?

Shit, now I have this fridge full of food and I'm hungry but NOW the eat-a-phobia has finally kicked in and I'm terrified to put anything in my mouth.


  1. aww. I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I think that eating semi-normally might be a good idea if only for a little bit, since fasting and extreme restricting usually lead me to binging if I'm not careful.

    As far as the antacids and the drinks go, I have no advice or recommendations. You are usually the one giving us advice on these sort or medical like issues :)

    Feel better!!

  2. Believe me sweetie, you are nothing like a psycho stalker! Besides, it's the comments that keep me going..I am far from perfect and if it seems like I am constantly doing well, it's only because I never post during weekends and weekends to me are the hardest and that's when I have my weakest moments.

    I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Wish I could help you. I agree with Savory Sweet about the eating semi-normally. I think that might be a good idea. Just take it step by step..

    Sending you all my strenght,

    Love Maria

  3. what i've been doing is eating every hour - i eat about 100 calories or less - i try to eat less - but if i eat every hour i don't want to binge - even if it's some veggie broth or some fruit - it just helps
    good luck

  4. Dee, you rock! I think that's a good idea. If I have under 100cal every hour from 7am til 5pm and then try to stop, I'll be under 1000cal for the day and never be hungry... and then if I can stick to it, maybe halve it to 50 cal and space out the time more...

  5. Buying your own safe foods is an excellent idea. In the words of Marya Hornbacher: "not eating is a system anorexics cannot maintain. We do eat, we just eat weird things like fat free yogurt and muffins." (that's something along the lines of what she said in her book anyway...)

    Anywho is it wayy better to have that stuff around than leaving it open for junkie enemy foods to fill the void when we lose control. I am lucky as hell there was no chocolate in the house on Saturday... =P

    Luv ya girlie, stay strong!