Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts...
...it's not easy facing up when your whole world is black
Can't break out of this abyss. Mood swings, panic stations, food. NO CONTROL
I mean how hard can it be to just not eat something? Hand to mouth to chew to swallow. Just no. Why not just say no?
Still, I can't keep going like this
I spent a fortune at the supermarket today. I bought "healthy normal person good food" things like grainy bread and reduced fat cheese. I think I need to try and go on a "healthy normal person good food" diet for a while. I don't want to be a normal healthy person FAT COW but I need to at least stabilise a bit. Just have to stop crazy binging. And if I can stabilise around 800-1000 cal a day for a while, then I can start tapering it off again and get back to some good restricting.
But I also bought a whole bunch of antacid tablets and sugarfree sports drinks and low fat chocolate icecream. I figure if I'm going to binge, at least I have a harm minimisation strategy in place. Antacids first, easily purged icecream second, electrolyte replacing sports drinks and more antacids to finish... I have no idea if the antacids or sports drinks will actually do anything to protect my body... does anyone know of anything else?
Shit, now I have this fridge full of food and I'm hungry but NOW the eat-a-phobia has finally kicked in and I'm terrified to put anything in my mouth.