Sunday, April 19, 2009

Always a next time, probably tomorrow

It's OK
It's OK to throw up today
and take more laxatives
It's OK because even though I know it's really hurting me, tomorrow will be different

Tomorrow I'll be good
I won't need to
Everything will be better tomorrow

So tonight I will purge and it will be OK because there won't be a next time

But I said that yesterday
and the day before that
and the day before that

And there will probably be a next time
because there's ALWAYS a next time
And it will probably be tomorrow
because it's usually tomorrow

And slowly but surely I'll destroy myself

I think I'm really actually very nearly properly bulimic now.


  1. Hey I know the feeling - to be slowly sliding towards full blown bulimia. Its scary. Maybe you need to basically isolate yourself to a week or two so that you can focus on restricting without triggers in order to get that moster back under control... I've found a week of now food in the house and no socialising helped me learn how to not listen to the eveil binge voice.

    And thanks for your comment, thats encouraging to know...xx

  2. Binging can be so addicting. I think we all go through these patches where we depend on binging to save us over and over. We have to just snap ourselves out of it, but I think the method of doing that is different for everyone.

    Good luck in finding Ana again. I think she's always the safer one.

    <3 Eva

  3. Hey you, I wasn't able to read really any blogs until this morning so I didn't get to see (below) until just now. I don't want you to crash and burn after your break up, even if it was a good thing it ended. It's hard being on your own after depending on someone. Just know I'm there for you and though we aren't all there with you, you aren't completely alone in this.

    Also, I am completely dependent on laxatives now, physically and emotionally... definitely want to get off them, but I don't want to eat all the high cal "Fiber One" products I've bought. And I've been binging. So, I definitely empathize with what you are saying.

    Lastly (ah this is so long!), thank you *again* for your wonderful comment. You are truly a great support in my life and always seem to know what to say. I only wish I could do the same (it now totally makes sense to wait days/a week after the flush to weigh oneself, duh! haha). Anyway, this is turning into a guest blog post instead of a comment. If you need extra support right now, or ever or just whatever, please shoot me an email.

  4. try to snack less, and instead of purging, work out! its much healthier and people will actually like the fact that you do that. try to keep in mind all the bad things about it, maybe research it a little bit..