Sunday, January 31, 2010

'nother night with boy

It was good. Better than it has been previously. He came out especially to meet me. Sat down opposite, exchanging timid glances and huge unsuppressable smiles while I pretended to pay attention to my friend beside me. Boy introduced her to his housemate, who said "yes, I live with boy, and every now and then with Pasco". I felt like a noticed addition to the household, pattering footsteps passing in the night. Oh, Pasco must be round again.

There was an onslaught of female flesh thrown at boy all night. His previous lovers, pretty friends and even prettier friends of pretty friends. Drunk and draping and slitted eyes all over me, "how dare she who does she think she is?" And with my every smirking accusation I was met with the reassurance that they were all "boring" and I kind of believed him. I have been chosen by somebody that everybody else wants.

It is a double edged sword - the constant insecurity and carefully masked jealousy met with the feeling that I am special. I don't suppose it's healthy. Feeling inferior, like I am lucky to be with him, treading so lightly, so carefully. Certain always that each time will be the last and I will surely lose him. We had a loosely etched plan to see each other this evening and I am waiting, waiting, for his cancellation or else he may just casually "forget".

I vommed once today and I intended to do it even as I was eating. I can't stop feeling just a little... blech. Like I need something but I also need to be empty. Very thirsty but nothing will quench it. I wonder if he will come tonight. Maybe that's all I need.


  1. I know sometimes hard to believe yourself but the boy you like sounds like he likes you! When I met my boy, I felt the same as you and I was always putting myself down and saying that he could find better than me. Try and go with it and ignore that little voice that is telling you you aren't good enough, becuase you are! You really really are. When that voice pops into your head, firmly tell it go the fuck away ;-)

  2. I LOVE romance :)

  3. Well, sounds as if he likes you. And even if you think you are not good enough, just enjoy the ride. Even if he will go away one day, it would be sad if you missed all the fun and romance and warm heart.
    Go for it!
    By the way, I am not sure that there is someone better for him anyway...

  4. Bask in your boy bliss.
    You deserve it!

  5. stay wanted and slightly elusive

    just like him

    your blog projects this feeling - elusive, subtlely tragic, beautiful but in that deeper grayer ironic way - so I know you know what I mean.

    sorry, slightly intox, just lit my hair on fire (see blog entry). this may not make sense even to me tomorrow. stay the course sounds like you are doing wonderful. I hope he falls madly in love with you.

    xoxo Ginger

  6. its sounds like he's lucky to have you from this post