'nother night with boy

It was good. Better than it has been previously. He came out especially to meet me. Sat down opposite, exchanging timid glances and huge unsuppressable smiles while I pretended to pay attention to my friend beside me. Boy introduced her to his housemate, who said "yes, I live with boy, and every now and then with Pasco". I felt like a noticed addition to the household, pattering footsteps passing in the night. Oh, Pasco must be round again.

There was an onslaught of female flesh thrown at boy all night. His previous lovers, pretty friends and even prettier friends of pretty friends. Drunk and draping and slitted eyes all over me, "how dare she who does she think she is?" And with my every smirking accusation I was met with the reassurance that they were all "boring" and I kind of believed him. I have been chosen by somebody that everybody else wants.

It is a double edged sword - the constant insecurity and carefully masked jealousy met with the feeling that I am special. I don't suppose it's healthy. Feeling inferior, like I am lucky to be with him, treading so lightly, so carefully. Certain always that each time will be the last and I will surely lose him. We had a loosely etched plan to see each other this evening and I am waiting, waiting, for his cancellation or else he may just casually "forget".

I vommed once today and I intended to do it even as I was eating. I can't stop feeling just a little... blech. Like I need something but I also need to be empty. Very thirsty but nothing will quench it. I wonder if he will come tonight. Maybe that's all I need.