Wednesday, January 27, 2010

all at sea

I feel. so. sick.

I weigh nearly 58kg right now. The most in ages. After so recently getting back down to 55. I think, I hope, most of it is water. Horrible sickly salt water. I'm swimming in it.

I drink it to help me throw up. Copious amounts of sea salt and bicarbonate soda in water. It makes me grimace to chug it down. It makes me hate myself for creating such torture. It makes me furiously sad and furiously angry at the same time. Each bitter, cloying gulp through clenched teeth. But it makes me puke.

Today I think I overdid it. So desperate to get everything up. And I think that a lot of that horrible salty slush has leeched into my blood. My stomach is empty but it is still churning. My scales told me my body fat percentage was 16 and it's usually more like 20, so I'm hoping, desperately hoping that there are litres of extra fluid sloshing around inside me accounting for my enormous weight gain. The sight of my thighs makes me want to close my eyes forever. I feel like screaming. I feel like I want to never eat again and starve completely until my weight is back where I need it to be. But soon, I know, I will feel like eating. I will be ravenous and insatiable. I will be powerless against hunger, I have forgotten how to enjoy it. And I will justify eating and eating, more and more and more until I am swimming in a salty hell again.

I'm thinking of going to find myself some help. I think, now, I actually CANNOT stop without help. Fuck FUCK my thighs. FUCK. They're huge FUCK

Oh jesus I am losing it.
There's nowhere to go, there's nowhere to hide, I'm stuck in my fucking horrible body and I can't do a fucking thing about it. I'm sorry for this immense whinge but I am feeling so scattered, so out of control, how wretchedly horrible. So angry. So alone. Such a miserable pathetic piece of shit.

And I feel so sick.


  1. My loveliest Pasco, it saddens me to see you feeling like this.
    We've all been there, and know how hopeless it feels.
    Throw out the salt and soda, then it wont be an option.
    There will be nothing to help you.

    Sadly, the only way I got 'back on the horse' was by hitting ultimate rock bottom.
    I was struggling with getting back into a routine, but then everything crashed, and it was all that was left.

    Your willpower is better than all of ours put together.
    It's there, give it time to resurface.
    Slow yourself down lovely.
    Too much will have a horrible ending.

    you can do this. you hear me?
    You know where to find me whenever you need anything.
    Keep your chin up dearest.
    Only good things lie ahead.

  2. *hugs*
    I'm sorry you feel this way hun. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to say you need help, though. I really admire that, and I support it.

    Feel better, gorgeous. I mean it.

    We all want you to be happy.