Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Every night...

...from now on I will form a single, one day plan for the next day. One day at a time. One 24 hour plan at a time. Formulated to fit in with whatever lies ahead.

Tomorrow is a work day. It is also donut day at work. Not for me. For me it will be fruit and vegetable day. As much as I like, as much as I can eat. No limits, no purging. If the donuts look too delicious, I will know they are not nearly as delicious as a huge, glowing peach, brimming with sweet fresh nectar. At 7.30 in the evening there is a pilates class at my gym with my favourite instructor. It will be my first time at the gym in weeks, but I will go.

Every night,

One day at a time.


  1. I don't count calories, I'm so sorry to tell you... The reason is because I don't believe that the people are telling 100% the truth, and I don't know what I can believe on the nutrition labels. Nor do I know that if I ingest say, exactly 100 calories, how can I be sure that I am actually ABSORBING 100 calories, and not 87 or 94 or 98? It makes me WAY too anxious.

    But what I will do is tell you what I sort of eat most days, and if you want, you can figure out the calories (I haven't done so, nor do I wish to), or you can do whatever you want with the information.

    I'm just glad I can give you hope, because that was EXACTLY the same thing that kept me from stopping b/p-ing for so long. But you know what? I have actually realized - and this is totally c-r-a-z-y, because I can't figure it out, and it goes against my brain, BUT - when I start purging (even IF I am not bingeing)... I find the numbers starting to slowly creep up again! I hate it! The ONLY way I can keep the numbers down is to get myself back into control, stop purging, and start restricting again. Which is damn hard! It's like if you're having a panic attack or crying hysterically or something, and for some reason you realize you have to stop RIGHT NOW. It's hard to have to calm yourself down! I mean, you can, but it is NOT easy.

    I hope that made sense... that's how it shapes out in my mind, but it's harder to put into words.

    Anyway, for food.

    I don't like much foods right now, so this will be limited (and really unhealthy, please don't judge...). The only foods that appeal to me currently are: frosted mini-wheats, honey bunches of oats (and skim milk to go with both of the above), organic peanut butter (to which I add extra salt), and oatmeal creme pies :(

    As for types of food, that's all I like to eat.

    Now for amounts:

    In one week, I'll tend to have about 1 day that I eat 3 small times, 2 days that I eat 2 small times, and the other 4 days I'm only hungry at night.

    If it's a 3-meal day, I may have one bowl of cereal (no measuring, just "a bowl") with ample skim milk, but I pour the excess milk down the drain after; or I may have a glob of PB (maybe 3 tb? I really don't know) plus something like an oatmeal creme pie.

    If a 2-meal OR 1-meal day, then the bowl of cereal will likely be TWO bowls of cereal; or if it's PB, it may be the same amount as above, with something like 2 or 3 oatmeal creme pies...

    This is just an approximation, as I don't really keep track nor do I plan it out. I just stay acutely aware of "too much" - as in, when I think I've had ENOUGH for the day, I STOP.

    Another factor, though I honestly don't know how it affects the food absorption, is I take 120mg or orlistat (xenical/alli) with every meal that has fat/oil/grease.

    I hope this helped.

    I wish you the best.

  2. one day at a time is the only way to go. it really is. make a plan in that nighttime quiet when you are, for a moment, sated and sane. it will help. you can say to yourself all day the next day, it's okay, just get through today, i can puke tomorrow if i really need to. (of course come evening you will make a new plan which will hopefully not include puking. but lately i have been finding that-- no, scratch that. i was going to say something here but really i remembered that i have been throwing up every day, so there is no "lately". there is just the day before yesterday where i didn't throw up, which was because i was going to have dinner with a friend in the evening, so i told myself all day long that i could only throw up once, after that dinner, then when i got to dinner, it was insanely healthy and reasonably low-cal (spaghetti squash with spinach and eggplant) and despite all my protestations, i insisted upon not throwing it up. i stayed in my friends' company until i felt like it was not worth it to throw up any more. sometimes staying in a place where i can't throw up is the only way to not throw up. i think, though, this only works when the meal is healthy enough that you can justify that, or else you'll just run out and find the nearest place you can find to throw up. (which is what happened to me in the Louvre :D))

    my darling soul mate, i agree. i think we need help. i've been thinking about this too. i am afraid for us. i have been trying to combat this myself because there is one part of my brain (and i would assume you have the same thing, being a doctor and knowing the details and all) that knows what i'm doing to myself and is terribly, horribly afraid, and is trying, at the very least to keep me safe.

    and so i am trying to be intelligent about things. eating lots of veggies and fruits and nutrients, specifically potassium and magnesium to balance out electrolytes. i am trying to rationalize meals and not throw up healthy things. i am trying to stick to throwing up things that come up easily without lots of straining (aka ice cream + diet coke). and i am trying to eat small bits in small quantities and low-cal amounts throughout the day so that i do not feel nasty and full and needing suddenly to puke.

    all of this works only so far of course. there is a strange menacing beast in our heads that will find ways to make us puke regardless. i found myself yesterday having eaten 2 packages of skittles, a coffee cake from Starbucks, and having bought three packages of ice cream without having been able to stop.

    i find myself repeating over and over, i just don't know what to do. i just don't know what to do.

    i am scared for you. i am scared for me. i miss the days of straight-up starving because that seems safe to me now. sad but true. if you can find help, darling, please do. even if you just see a therapist on your own and don't tell anyone about it.

    and let's make a pact, shall we? that we will try very very hard to not throw up at all. that we will try to keep down healthy things. that we will try not to resort to very unhealthy things to throw up.
    all of this being "try" because i know we will both slip up over and over again. the goal here is to try, and to not feel like you've failed if you throw up. because for the most part it is out of control. i feel a horrible binge coming on sometime later today, and i'm going to just keep trying to put it off, and put it off, just a few more hours, just a few more minutes, and maybe that will help. i don't know. i'm as lost as you are here.

    continued in next comment!

  3. but we are intelligent and maybe we can master this. maybe not. please, please, please get some sort of help if you can. i have been rehearsing little conversations in my head with people i would tell to see how they work out, so i am working up to it. getting help will not make you fatter (unless they put you in the hospital (unlikely) and even then, bulimics are not required to gain that much weight, right?) and over 18 i think you can refuse any treatment.

    do you remember seeing that furious anorexic in the psych ward you saw, and how you realized that happiness is somewhere between her and you, and probably much closer to you? it's true. i don't think there is any special magical weight where you find happiness, but certainly there is a place that's way happier than where we are now, and it has nothing to do with weight.

    we can do this. we can do this. we can do this. if we can't, there are people out there who can help us. reaching out is terrifying, but maybe the best thing we will ever do? i am still working up the courage, but if you've got it, go for it. i do not want your heart to seize and die because you could not be courageous enough. you, more than most people, know what's at stake here. you know the risks. trust yourself. if you find you are afraid, then you should be.

    we must be strong. i will be strong for you if you will be strong for me. i would give you a thousand hugs and go with you to tell whomever you're going to tell in order to get help, if only i was on your continent. but i will be there in spirit :D and you can tell me after how it goes.

    ok? i love you. i love your heart. i do not want it to give out on you. you are far more beautiful as a whole being than you would be heartless and stick-thin. do not give up on yourself, and i will not give up on myself and we will somehow come through this. alive. in one whole piece, happy. someday.

    xx x (times 10,000!)

  4. send it. it's no longer a matter of regret but a matter of saving your own life. what is the alternative? if not your best friend, then someone else? i have a complete inability to tell any family or friends, but i am considering the idea of telling my friend's mom, who is a nutritionist and who is awesome. i have only met her once but she knows me well through my friend, and i think she would keep my secret.

    it is the hardest thing either of us will have to do, picking up the phone, pushing "send".

    maybe: don't send that text every day that you don't throw up? would that help at all? i don't know. fishing in the dark. more like drowning in the dark. :D

    one day at a time, keep pushing it off. i will be here for you if you succeed or if you fail.

    xx x

  5. Rose,

    I am praying for you, and I will be praying for you all day today.

    There is a Psalm that was passed to me from a woman I am close to, who used to a long time ago (in college) have an ED. AN to be exact, though she's never said The Words. I want to give you that psalm, because at my lowest point, it was the ONLY thing that comforted me and gave me strength. She actually gave me the psalm twice, but the first time I just folded it up and filed it away; it didn't mean anything - or truthfully, I refused to un-burnden my heart. The second time, when I was in such despair; my mom not only had a cancer removed, but had found another spot, my baby sister almost lost her eye, and almost had to have it sewn shut permanently, my other brothers and sisters said they hated me everyday and said other hateful things (all regarding my ED and past cutting issues)... she gave the psalm again, and when I read it, it was the psalm that is for those who are in such despair and guilt and self-loathing and self-disgust, that how can God ever find them? They may as well cover up with shadows...

    Here it is: And remember, I love you, too. So does Anise, so do MANY other people. MANY. Most of all, God - the potter who shaped the beautiful vessel that you are. No, we are NOT perfect, but we are unique and loved by the one who made us. He loves you more than anything, and more than can ever be comprehended.

    Psalm 139: 7-13, 23

    "Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Or where can I flee from your presence?
    If I ascend into heaven, you are there;
    If I make my bed in hell, you are there.
    If I take the wings of the morning,
    If I settle on the far side of the sea,
    Even there your hand will guide me,
    Your right hand will hold me fast.
    If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
    And the light become night around me,"
    Even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    The night will shine like the day,
    For darkness is as light to you.

    For you created my inmost being;
    You knitted me together in my mother's womb.

    Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    Test me and know my anxious thoughts."

    I hope you get out of this damned hole, Pasco Rose, and I promise, I WILL be praying for you. I'm not just saying that. Love you.

  6. the red hair is great in this picture!


  7. I like your plan. I think I will be doing the same. new jobs are so strange and throw all your old wonderful habits so out of whack...

    you make me want to go find a peach, that sounds delicious. I caved and bought the chocolate almonds today (for local schools, of course) and they were TERRIBLE. bad plastic-y chocolate, stale almonds. Just imagine how nasty those donuts would be if they were cold, and stale, with lardy chocolate and no cocoa and lardy frosting. Yuck.

    g'luck with the plan, looking forward to hearing how it all goes -
    xoxo Ginger