Friday, January 8, 2010

hearts and hormones

I think I made a grave error.

The escalating sexual tension I have been sharing with a friend of mine finally reached boiling point last night when I got atrociously drunk and shagged him. It was awkward this morning, so to ease the tension we did it again. I like this boy, but I think I like the idea of him more than the reality of what we could ever possibly be. I never wanted more than the thrill of the flirt. I don't trust him, not enough, for anything real to happen. I've known this forever. I've been fine with it.

And then, sex, and EVERYTHING changes. Every time my phone beeps my heart pounds and I think "god please let it be him!" It isn't, and I sink. I want to find him and claw into him and have his hand in the small of my back. I only left him a few hours ago and all I want is to be with him. The panic and fear that he's now seen me vulnerable, but real and tactile. All mysteries unveiled, shine lost. Dull. And the possibility of rejection wrenching through me. I need him to want me so badly.

And I know that none of this makes sense and it isn't who I am or what I want. But sex changes everything because my biology has hijacked my common sense. This is horrid.

Not to mention I'm now stressed and psychotic and hitting new all time dignity lows. I remember blogging about the time I purged in a public park. Well tonight I trumped that by eating out of my garbage bin. It's a place where most bulimics wind up eventually...

Everything is fucked and scary. And kind of exciting!


  1. oh oh that is EXACTLY how i usually feel about sex. EXACTLY. disillusionment. i hate hate hate hate hate being so emotionally dependent upon people like that, waiting for them to call, yadda yadda yadda. which is why i have serious commitment issues now after 4 1/2 years of that with one boy.... BLECH. so, i get it. and you said it so so eloquently, thank you.

    also i have ahem(often)ahem eaten out of my bin, or in one horrific case, eaten, forkful by forkful, a perfectly good and delicious holiday cake which had just been thrown out out of a bin at work. yeah. those of us who are intimately acquainted with the varying contents of the half-digested food in our stomachs seem to be able to hit massive dignity lows and find them not terribly gross. like, i laugh at people who get grossed out when they throw up, since more times than not i am throwing up in the shower going, what is that? and picking up bits to find out. we are a strange breed, no question.

    so, there is currently a debate going on in the back of my brain, now that i am back in the States: to buy cupcake mix and make batter and eat it and throw up, or not to? i have to say this makes me think of you, because we both have some weird fuckedupness about cupcakes and batter....oy. will it never end??

    anyway, soulmate, i love you to pieces! and at least you are getting laid! that's something, right? :D

    xx x

  2. Once, while (I guess you could say) "high" on a good dose of ambien, but refusing to go to sleep (real fun, like drunk, only funner...). Anyway, I have no memory of this, but apparently, according to my brother, I took some stale english muffins out of the trash bin, asked him (slurringly) why they were thrown away when they were still perfectly fine, and toasted them. Then, while they were toasting, I leant over the toaster and laid my arms directly on the top of the toaster! I guess I didn't feel any pain or something. I have no idea. He told me I ate like 6 whole english muffins total. And other things, too. But the horror of unknowingly eating (bingeing, really) out of the garbage, scared me into not getting "high" on ambien again! Though it really is sort of mildly fun... Not intense, just mellow and nice.

  3. Oh, and I've dug a thrown-out gingerbread house, too. Yup, you're not the only one! You are sooooo not the only one.

    I'm sure there's (embarrassingly) lots more, those are just the prominent ones I remember immediately.

  4. I'm sorry you feel this way,
    although I like the
    "and kind of exciting!"
    bit you added at the end.
    try to keep control, it'll all be okay :) x

  5. Oh my god, that is SO my problem. Me and my best friend of 5 years slept together early last year and things haven't been the same since. I tend to go all crazy over people and I've been head over heels in love with him since. And he has so idea. We have sex occasionally; we both have serious relationship problems and are both a bit messed up in the head.
    Sorry about that ramble, just wanted to say that I completely know how you feel and I'm sure everything will be ok :)

  6. Maybe that's something I should try. Sex that is. I need some excitement in my life.

  7. gosh, maybe i'm the only one. But since i've been, well, obsessed with weightloss and body image and all that, I'm very weird about other people seeing me, touching me, etc. and sex is included in that. Its something I cannot be comfortable with, considering i hate my body so much, i don't see why anyone else would enjoy it.

  8. The picture stranges me out.

    xxSavory (I'm too lazy to sign in again!)

  9. No no no!
    Don't eat out of the garbage. Throw it away as soon as you can. Why exactly don't you trust this boy? Is there solid reasoning or just you be cautious.

    Hope you're okay. xx