Thursday, December 3, 2009

I'm not doing very well...

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that I'm not going to make my goal. I have been failing regularly and epically.

I want to give up. Often I think that I should just give up, maintain my weight where it is. Anise is right, this is all bullshit. It crowds us out of our own lives. I don't want that.

Then I remember that it is impossible to give up. Putting the disordered eating to bed and adopting normality sounds oh so very simple, but any time I ever try I just end up even more tortured. No sense of full or empty, just incessant desire to eat, never ever satisfied.

So all I have is starve or binge.
And while starve usually leads to binge anyway,
I suppose it's somewhat better than binge alone.

Defeatistly yours,


  1. It's a battle alright, whenever I feel like trying to maintain I get disgusted by eating, and then I think that I should just lose a little more below the weight to maintain as a safety net.. So I never get out of it. Please be strong, is there a doctor or anybody you can go to talk about it, it could really help with the confusion

  2. I'm fighting the urge right now. This whole thing is hard.

    To eat but not to gorge,
    That is the dilemma.

    I can relate. I AM relatING.

    Best of luck Pasco, do something that will bring you even the smallest bit of joy.
    Where there is a Will there is a way.
    Go find that Will.

  3. "The key trait seen consistently in successful people is simply none other than a refusal to give up. It's a constant pursuit that continues on no matter how many times they fall."

    A paraphrase from my personal trainer textbook.

    It's true, though. The key to success is not in never falling, but standing up each time we fall.
    If you don't make your goal, you're still closer. It's a cold and bitter comfort, but you just have to push on. Keep going. Don't stop.
    And if you want to live normal, I don't think just adopting a normal style will work. I think it has to be done with as much skill and precision with which we starve ourselves.

    It's a gradual incline back to normality, with still violently controlled caloric intakes, just instead of slowly decreasing, we slowly increase it. When I had to start eating normal for part of summer (when my mom was here) I had to increase my calorie in take by about 10-20 cals a day, to avoid what you talked about--the constant urge to eat. After we've been doing this for a while, the body no longer comprehends "Hungry" or "full". All is that it's been starving for so long, that it desperately needs to sate itself with something--anything--in preparation for the next starvation.

    It's harder than starving, I think.

    ♥ If you want to get better, then I know you can get better.
    But if you want to starve, I know you can do it, too. Meeting goals or no, you're still going. And in the end, that's all that counts.

  4. There´s not much to add to all the comments you already got, but:
    Don´t give up, don´t get desperate, and in the end we are here for you.

  5. I think somewhere along the way, we've all forgotten how to enjoy what we eat. We restrict fastidiously and hate ourselves when we eat; we demonise food and turn it into the enemy when what we're fighting against is not really the food itself but our cravings and subsequent lack of control.

    When I'm tempted to binge these days, I ask myself whether I'm willing to run off the extra calories consumed and I adjust the magnitude of the binge accordingly. Then I sit down to enjoy the portion of food that I've allocated myself. That way, I get to indulge occasionally without having to tear myself into pieces for slipping up.

    Hide your weighing scale away for a few days. Before mine broke down, it was always hovering at the back of my mind and I hated how my mood fluctuated along with the numbers on the scale.

    I like this quote that I read somewhere: "Whatever happened on the previous attempt doesn't matter anymore, what matters is what you do now." Maybe you won't be able to reach your goal weight by Christmas, but you'll be a few steps closer to reaching it by the time the new year rolls round.

    Pasco, don't give up! (:

  6. i hear you. Last night i spent ages examining my body in the mirror, trying to convince myself i could stay at this weight. then i could get on with real life. i could just stop it.

    but i dont know how to eat normally. so i've binged and purged nearly everything i've eaten in the last three days.

    you did it for me so now i'm doing it for you




    So you've been having some bad days. so maybe your days when you were doing good were too extreme. give yourself a break. have an inbetweeny day to set yourself up for another good day.
    I have faith in you.

    It may take us ten times longer than everyone else because for every three steps forward there are two back. but SIMPLE MATHS says one day we'll get there. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  7. sorry, I know it was easy naive remark to throw out there, I guess I just can empathise with the confusion, it's like having constantly conflicting attitudes and they don't sit easily together... So sometimes when I'm going to my psychiatrist I actually look forward to it in a way just so I can put it out there, I'm not sure if it helps much in the grand scheme of things but it can be a short release...

  8. I am starting to think the same, but then I am saying, if I cannot reach my goal, I can get as close as I bloody can! If I have the willpower.
    I too have thought about, and tried several times to *eat normally* and *not care* and I couldn't do it,
    it's so confusing.
    I hope your okay.
    stay strong x