Sunday, December 6, 2009


Fuck, I'm so angry at myself.

I can't sleep. I want to scream, or cry, or slam my head into the wall. But I've got nothing. I know the emotion is there, and I'm desperate to give it an outlet, but I can't actually connect with it.

I just really desperately want to punish myself. Somehow. I have that hideous feeling of frenzied panic, where my weight is steadily climbing and I'm COMPLETELY powerless. I hate myself for it. Get a fucking grip! Stop this! Stop it!

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm out of time, out of control, out of options. Trying, trying, trying all the time. But am I really? Really? Surely not. Just feigning trying. Making excuses for myself. This can't possibly be the best I can do. I've done better before. What is so different now?

Momentum, that's what. The pendulum has swung. I'm terrified. How the hell can I try harder than this? There's too much inertia.

Oh god, oh fuck, how could I let this happen? I am so, so angry at myself. I know it isn't helpful, but it seems to be all I can really feel. Anger, a blurry grey mesh of hate and fear.


  1. So you're faced with a choice which you dont feel you have the power to make. Except you're making it by not making it.

    Your choices are as follows...
    - you swing back into an overenthusiastic whirlwind in a misguided attempt to make yourself happy by seeing a big loss, (bad idea)
    - you carry on eating and shaking your head and saying you dont know how to stop and you stop thinking of it as a choice you are capable of making (which is silly)
    - you accept that you can be slightly thinner healthier and (hopefully) happier but that it isnt going to come about dramatically. Then you make a small positive step. (in case you cant tell this is the sensible one)

    Maybe you need to have a little scream and a cry first? Get something out and then you can stop putting things in your mouth? Sometimes its as simple as getting in your car, putting on something that makes you feel sad and screaming how unfair it all is. There's calm after a storm.

    Dont nod along and then close the window and go read more blogs/check facebook again/etc. Go and do the plank. 1 minute right now. Then go and throw away whatever it is which is tormenting you. Then do the plank again. Then go for a walk. Or have a cry. Then come home and go to sleep.

    Then send me an email. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. i think you need to take a step back for a while; maybe a day,
    just take one day out just for you.
    have a lay in, relax in the bath, watch some trashy films, beautify yourself, maybe have a little cry and a scream. but have a YOU day, where you can relax and step out of this stressful life just for a little bit. it might help get you back on track and put things a bit more into perspective! plus you'll feel so much better for it the next day.
    everyone needs a break every now and again!
    xx love

  3. I´m sorry to read that you are in such a hopeless state right now. I wish I could help you.
    I completely agree with Lulu. She made a nice plan for you, please stick to it and try to get better....
    I´m sending my thoughts tonight towards you...

  4. This is me to the "T" right now.
    I really like this post, its like the exact embodiment of my panic and fury.

    Stay strong, this too shall pass.

  5. Just eat healthy today. That's all just healthy TODAY and not bingeing TODAY and not purging TODAY.

    Reevaluate tomorrow of how you can make it better. Then revert back to todays plan.

    Feel better Pasco.

  6. Wow Lulu just bitched slapped me because I was about to go "Pasco, that's how I feel... what do I dooooOoOoOoooOOO!!!?!?!?" Then I was like "Oh."

    Are we going to try really hard to be sensible? I'm so bad at middle ground. It's so much easier to eat nothing and nothing and then eat a gallon of ice cream and loads of take out food :(

    I know I don't *look* as bad as I imagine, which I imagine means you are agonizing over your beautiful self (a feature that doesn't easily change with a few pounds)!

    I have no wise words today.

    (Shoot, this is Savory... I just forgot to log in! lol)

  7. <3

    Still thinking of you lovely. Everything's easier said than done. But still do what Lulu says. Hope things get better, or at least stabilise <3<3

  8. Wise words from Lulu.

    I'm feeling like you Pasco. My bloated tummy is my shame. I'm doing my damndest to make this a better day.

    I send you good wishes.

  9. weight climbing = horrible feelings which sometimes = binging.

    I like lulu's advice, and I'm going to try some of it myself.

    hugs ~Harlow

  10. Lulu's said it all.

    I hope you feel better now after a night of sleep. You're not completely powerless until you choose to give up! *big hug*