Friday, December 18, 2009

Secrets and Lies

My housemate (who I love and adore and am worried I'm influencing) told me a few days ago in a half-joking-half-serious way that she was "never eating again". Since then we have engaged in an obscenely open dialogue about dieting (starving oneself) and have been encouraging one another not to eat at all. I talk openly and laconically about my ridiculous restrictive phases and fasts of days gone by, and she talks openly about how perhaps we should be less open. It's the "everyone does it, in secret, so why not just talk about it and help each other" approach... with a little of the "but let's not tell anybody else just in case" approach tacked onto the end. The two of us, together, open.

But it is not entirely open. The purging cannot be open. I'm sure everyone probably suspects, but as long as nobody actually knows I can kind of live with the shame. Tonight I had the most incredible purge of my life. It has been a few days since the last time, and I have been doing OK, but the last couple of hours I've been home alone after a reasonably crap-food day. So I had some icecream and popcorn and cheese and chocolate, and it seemed that one second I was full and the next I was empty. I stepped into the shower to vomit and almost instantaneously the entire contents of my stomach came smoothly and easily upward and onto the tiles. It flowed out of me. Everything! I had taken a glass of metamucil half an hour beforehand, and I'm now considering conducting an experiment some time in the future to see of this was responsible for my success.

You see? I'm revolting! Some things can only ever be secrets.
But for the other things, I now feel I have a friend.



  1. But even the most lurid shadows of taboo tempt....
    Before you even know it, she'll want to know everything.
    Just don't let it become a gossip session over your best purging foods.

    It can ruin a friendship.

    It's so good to hear from you!
    Feel beautiful,

  2. Well my secret of the day is that I envy your purge. Is that sad? I am not the best purger and a successful one always puts me in good spirits. Meh. Have fun with your "new" friend.

  3. Sounds interesting.
    I never shared that way....
    I hope it will go well in the future, maybe it helps to not feel all alone...

    Take good care!

  4. its so scary to tell other people... only you can guard your secrets the way you think they should be. you're doing much better than me, though, who gets drunk and blabs through tears to close friends every now and then. same result - except something tells me your housemate respects you at least the same if not more now than before.

    as always really love the pic, such a wonderful illustration to your post.

  5. I'm glad you've found a friend,
    I've never shared that way,
    I hope it all goes well,
    it's nice to hear from you,
    I hope your okay x

  6. I'm happy for you that you have someone to help you through this. That's amazing.
    I love the picture you used.

  7. oh my darling. the first thing i thought was: JEALOUS. does that make me revolting too? please tell me the outcome of the metamucil experiment.

    talking openly is such a relief, isn't it? i am visiting Little Dandelion Girl ( now and it is SO nice to have company in the insanity. but i agree, there is something about purging that makes it a solitary act only. too much shame, too disgusting.
    disgusting or not i love you Pasco!! soul mate soul mate :D

    xx x

  8. Wow.

    My housemate and I don't actually talk about it, but he's really nice and tolerant.
    He lets me hang pictures of morbidly obese women all over the kitchen, and every now and then he gets me some diet coke.

  9. Your shower does not clogg up when you purge in it? Are shower ins UK/USA etc different from the ones in Germany??? I can only purge in toiletts or bags,because my shower never would be able to deal with vomit :S
    Interesting with the metamucil...I have been wondering if it helps to drink cola durign the binge,because of the acid-maybe it makes all the food more smoot?? The last two times I purged I drank cola light with it and I felt like it all went a lot easier up...?