Sunday, August 30, 2009

HIGH


Not me, my weight.
SO HIGH

I fasted yesterday and this morning thought I'd test the scales. It was a shock. I don't know if it's still water weight from my failed flush. I don't know what's going on. I thought I was doing OK. But I'm not. My weight is HUGE. I don't fit into my jeans anymore. I'm feeling fat and terrified that I'll never get back to where I was again. How could this happen?

How
How
HOW?

This morning when I woke up I felt so sick I involuntarily threw up an enormous pool of stomach acid in the shower. And I ate and purged so much today. I have 2 full 2L ice cream containers of vomit hiding in the corner of my room waiting for an opportunity to empty them into the toilet. It is so disgusting. I am so disgusting. I can't believe the horrible things I routinely do in this endless battle for thinness. I can't go on like this, but if I get any fatter I'll die. If I stay as fat as I am I'll die. It sickens me. I feel so ashamed and so ugly. I just want this weight to melt away.

And it will not budge.
WILL NOT FUCKING BUDGE.

I can't be kind to myself. I can't give myself a break. I can't try to eat normally. I can't. The risk is just too horrible to comprehend. And even if I were to try, the crippling anxiety in my brain would never let me. I would give anything to just get back to where I was.


I'd rather die than stay this high

3 comments:

  1. oh dear, I was here recently. I thought I was going to die, all my hard work, ruined, but I've got back on track and things are starting to come together, slowly, but it's a start. I really do hope you sucseed in doing the same, I know you can do it, it'll get better!

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  2. ((((((((~HUGS~HUGS~HUGS)))))))

    you'll drop those icky el bees.

    Be strong. Be persistant.

    Go back to the way things use to be, try and remember you're old routines that helped you stay strong and lose. What'd you eat? What'd you associate with food that made you shy away from it? What were your thinspos? reverse thinsos?

    Try and remember you "old ways".

    Much Luv~n~Hugs
    XO

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  3. You'll be okay! You are not fat.
    Please bbelieve that.

    xx

    ReplyDelete