Sunday, August 30, 2009
Not me, my weight.
I fasted yesterday and this morning thought I'd test the scales. It was a shock. I don't know if it's still water weight from my failed flush. I don't know what's going on. I thought I was doing OK. But I'm not. My weight is HUGE. I don't fit into my jeans anymore. I'm feeling fat and terrified that I'll never get back to where I was again. How could this happen?
This morning when I woke up I felt so sick I involuntarily threw up an enormous pool of stomach acid in the shower. And I ate and purged so much today. I have 2 full 2L ice cream containers of vomit hiding in the corner of my room waiting for an opportunity to empty them into the toilet. It is so disgusting. I am so disgusting. I can't believe the horrible things I routinely do in this endless battle for thinness. I can't go on like this, but if I get any fatter I'll die. If I stay as fat as I am I'll die. It sickens me. I feel so ashamed and so ugly. I just want this weight to melt away.
And it will not budge.
WILL NOT FUCKING BUDGE.
I can't be kind to myself. I can't give myself a break. I can't try to eat normally. I can't. The risk is just too horrible to comprehend. And even if I were to try, the crippling anxiety in my brain would never let me. I would give anything to just get back to where I was.
I'd rather die than stay this high