Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Black & White
It's the difference between success and failure. Rules, absolutes. It's amazing how the mind shifts. That stony resolve of a black and white mentality. As soon as we have choice, freedom, carelessness, straying a little here and there, meandering off the path in pursuit of a little harmless joy - that's the end of it. In a black and white world we don't really have control, we have just steadfastly shut down our minds to eliminate choice. Real control would be the ability to live that meandering carefree life without going completely batshit off the rails crazy. The black and white lie makes us feelmore in control, but probably takes us further away from ultimately having any real control at all. It controls us.
I did well yesterday. I overshot my calories. Probably had about 500 and was meant to have 200. That's a big overshoot, but given how badly I've been binging lately I'll take it. I also ran myself into the ground in the morning. I couldn't feel my legs. I was just forcing myself on and on and I was sure they were going to fall away underneath me. But they didn't. And I managed a fairly reasonable 10km. Burnt off more than I ate, even though I ate too much.
This morning I feel hungry and sore. Two lovely feelings. My muscles aching, my stomach wanting, definitely a happy reward for yesterday's efforts. 400 calories today. That's the deal. In the interests of eliminating choice it would be wise of me to come up with a 400 calorie meal plan. OK here goes:
- Hot water with lemon, green tea, vitamins, psylium 0
- Grapefruit 100
- Chicken 100
- Raw veg 0
- Egg white omelette 100
- Strawberries 100
Then of course the endless onslaught of sugar free beverages throughout the day.
That sounds like quite a lot of food for 400 calories, really. I'm impressed! Ooh, and excitement plus, I ordered some more diet pills online yesterday. Hopefully Mr express post man will get them to me today. I feel like the more little tablets I can cram into my body the more strength I have. I derive a lot of comfort from the thought that some of these substances are working from the insides out to make me a better person. Vitamins and antidepressants and mood stabilisers and unusual herbs and stimulants and anxiolytics. I'm silly, I know. It's easier to pretend to play with little building blocks for life than actually have a life.
I wish all of you the very best today, whether you're doing your head in or letting it out for the day.