Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Black & White

It's the difference between success and failure. Rules, absolutes. It's amazing how the mind shifts. That stony resolve of a black and white mentality. As soon as we have choice, freedom, carelessness, straying a little here and there, meandering off the path in pursuit of a little harmless joy - that's the end of it. In a black and white world we don't really have control, we have just steadfastly shut down our minds to eliminate choice. Real control would be the ability to live that meandering carefree life without going completely batshit off the rails crazy. The black and white lie makes us feelmore in control, but probably takes us further away from ultimately having any real control at all. It controls us.

I did well yesterday. I overshot my calories. Probably had about 500 and was meant to have 200. That's a big overshoot, but given how badly I've been binging lately I'll take it. I also ran myself into the ground in the morning. I couldn't feel my legs. I was just forcing myself on and on and I was sure they were going to fall away underneath me. But they didn't. And I managed a fairly reasonable 10km. Burnt off more than I ate, even though I ate too much.

This morning I feel hungry and sore. Two lovely feelings. My muscles aching, my stomach wanting, definitely a happy reward for yesterday's efforts. 400 calories today. That's the deal. In the interests of eliminating choice it would be wise of me to come up with a 400 calorie meal plan. OK here goes:

- Hot water with lemon, green tea, vitamins, psylium 0
- Grapefruit 100

- Chicken 100
- Raw veg 0

- Egg white omelette 100
- Strawberries 100

Then of course the endless onslaught of sugar free beverages throughout the day.

That sounds like quite a lot of food for 400 calories, really. I'm impressed! Ooh, and excitement plus, I ordered some more diet pills online yesterday. Hopefully Mr express post man will get them to me today. I feel like the more little tablets I can cram into my body the more strength I have. I derive a lot of comfort from the thought that some of these substances are working from the insides out to make me a better person. Vitamins and antidepressants and mood stabilisers and unusual herbs and stimulants and anxiolytics. I'm silly, I know. It's easier to pretend to play with little building blocks for life than actually have a life.

I wish all of you the very best today, whether you're doing your head in or letting it out for the day.



  1. i often think about the notion of "control" for us disordered ones. i'm fully aware that i actually have no control whatsoever, but awareness is like a dream i remembered in the morning but forget now. awareness means nothing once you've gone past a certain point. it's funny how we know exactly what we're doing to ourselves... it just becomes more and more justified the further along we go. or maybe it's just me. maybe not. i'm rambling. i missed you when i was gone pasco, glad to be back. i'm a loyal reader of yours, always. xx

  2. Yay for meal planning ;) You might want to try to add more variety of foods if you get bored [thats why I have so much crap in my plans]. just like 1/2 strawberries 1/2 peach or something.

  3. Black and white lie, yes, you've pin-pointed it. I know what you mean, but it's not like we have a choice, right?

    Anyhow, good luck on your day. Seems to me that for 400 cal, you have more than enough food in there!

    Take care.

  4. I completely agree with the Black & White Control (or lack thereof) theory you have...I think the control of maintaining a balance was what I was after and then KABLOO-EY! Fat City.

    Now I'm back Black & White and my illusion of control where I feel it's safe!

    Damned if you do, damned if you don't?