Thursday, August 27, 2009
Girls, I'm Flailing...
I just don't seem to be able to do it anymore. I still feel disgustingly fat, desperately so. But I'm just completely powerless to help myself. How could I have been so good at this before and so utterly hopeless now? It is misery and I want to sob it out, but I still can't. It seems the only way I can express or regulate emotions is with food. Avoiding it, eating it, purging it, hating it. And I'm numb numb numb. Too numb to cry.
I can't get empty. I feel full and sick. I've been taking laxatives every night, each subsequent night one more than the night previous. Tonight I'm up to 5. Still nothing is happening. I am swollen and ugly. In the morning it will be salt water for breakfast. Something has got to give. I cannot expand infinitely, although it feels as if I might. I haven't weighed in about a week. I know it won't be good.
Finally got to see me psych today. He is ridiculous. I think perhaps he's very good at what he does. That, or terrible. His mannerisms drive me mad. And his voice. Monotone, contrived, deliberately impossible to read. He has no opinion of me, no judgement. At least it's carefully hidden. I become completely aware that I am such a typical, routine case for him. I don't know if it upsets or validates me. I don't know if I want to get better or not. I tell him I do. I know he doubts it.
Oh girls, help! I just need to feel grounded. Real. I don't know what to do to find just a little spark of control. I'm trying to try but I just... can't.