Thursday, August 27, 2009

Girls, I'm Flailing...

Help me.

I just don't seem to be able to do it anymore. I still feel disgustingly fat, desperately so. But I'm just completely powerless to help myself. How could I have been so good at this before and so utterly hopeless now? It is misery and I want to sob it out, but I still can't. It seems the only way I can express or regulate emotions is with food. Avoiding it, eating it, purging it, hating it. And I'm numb numb numb. Too numb to cry.

I can't get empty. I feel full and sick. I've been taking laxatives every night, each subsequent night one more than the night previous. Tonight I'm up to 5. Still nothing is happening. I am swollen and ugly. In the morning it will be salt water for breakfast. Something has got to give. I cannot expand infinitely, although it feels as if I might. I haven't weighed in about a week. I know it won't be good.

Finally got to see me psych today. He is ridiculous. I think perhaps he's very good at what he does. That, or terrible. His mannerisms drive me mad. And his voice. Monotone, contrived, deliberately impossible to read. He has no opinion of me, no judgement. At least it's carefully hidden. I become completely aware that I am such a typical, routine case for him. I don't know if it upsets or validates me. I don't know if I want to get better or not. I tell him I do. I know he doubts it.

Oh girls, help! I just need to feel grounded. Real. I don't know what to do to find just a little spark of control. I'm trying to try but I just... can't.



  1. Your blog is the most beautiful of all. I love your style. I've been following anonymously for fear of being found out but I just wanted to tell you how much I love reading your words. Lux (a fellow Australian living in Paris) xo

  2. where do you find all these pictures?
    they are they best thinspo ive ever seen.
    ever ever ever lol.

    and i know what youre going through. ive been there myself, and its a very dark place to be.

    if anything, getting on the scale might make you feel worse if its not a good number.

    what i would do, is take some time to really just get yourself together, and do a realy short fast, or some easy restricting.

    dont just jump back in and expect to still have that amazing self control i know youve got. just work it up slowly again, and youll find that the control never left you, youve had it with you all along.

    and when i go see psychs it bothers me that they dont show theyre judgment of me because it makes me feel boring. it makes me feel like just some boring crazy person with no story he hasnt heard before.

    i think i may actually have a need to come off as interesting. its really wierd.


    stay strong hun, i completely believe in you and i know things will look up soon. just hang in there.

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

  3. We hit such hard points and have no idea what to do or where to go. I think, perhaps, you should find a different psych. The psych's job is to make the client feel like they are the only one important to them. It's a very hard job, and your guy sounds burnt out.

    I think you sound burnt out, too. Out of control, and in a very, very spot. I don't know what to say to help. It seems like the harder we try to get control, the more it slips away, and I wish I could tell you someway to get it back but even I don't know. I really don't.

    But we're here for you. To support you and help you.

    I think you stumbled onto a very real truth the other day. That we need to be kind to ourselves. Maybe you've become too focused on food, to the point where you're clutching too tightly to keep a hold. Control is like sand - the tighter you grab it, the less you're able to hold onto. Try to find something else to focus on. A way to validate or love yourself for a little bit. Be kind to yourself. Try and find a balance - something to focus on so you can regain your grounding and center, and approach the whole aspect of restricting again with a clearer head.

    I believe in you. Stay strong, and when you can't be strong, we can be strong for you, ok?

  4. Love the thinspo pictures. i am sure you will feel better if you havent eaten for a wile. i know it is hard to start restricting after you have eaten too much but i know you will feel so much better after it is all out. Hope the salt water helps i have never had the courage or the strength to do it.
    You cant change the past but you can change the future.

  5. Darling, focus on yourself.... I cannot do this myself but try to relax around food - the less obsession the better. It is good that you're seeing the psych and it is awesome that you don't get the impression he is judging you, even if you don't seem to like him much. Do not lose him and do try to build up a relationship. Control is better than the loss that you often experience, but you want a relaxed control, a "I don't care" control, the way that a naturally skinny girl eats.

    Stay strong, Pasco. You're going through the tough time now, but you will get better.

  6. ugh we are definitely on the same page. i always think its going to get better and guess what?

    it doesnt.

    ive seen your last pics and youre sooo thin and at 112, that technically is underweight. if you can realize that and maintain at that, then thats great.

    but we cant. we're disordered. we really are all messed up.

    :( good luck hun, tyr to keep busy and focus focus focus


  7. I feel the same right now, all bloated and awful and laxies aren't helping me either and since last week have put on 2kg :-(

    It really sucks. I hope you feel a little better soon. The thing that helps me is to keep as busy and occupied as possible. Otherwise, all I do is think and that is my undoing.

  8. I'm so sorry you're feeling so down, Pasco.

    Sometimes I feel just the same. Completely overwhelmed and hopeless.

    So what I do is take some time out just for me.
    Go shopping, read an interesting book, paint your toenails or even a picture, sit out in the sun and listen to music and marvel at the beauty all around you.

    Don't be too hard on yourself, hun.
    Everyone has their slip ups, but you've just gotta come back stronger. Maybe instead of fasting so strictly for now, just restrict your intake instead and don't feel guilty for the occasional indulgence :) At only 112lbs and 2 inches taller than me, you're tiny girl! Haha. You're definitely my thinspiration :)

    Be strong and take care,
    Much love.
    SJ x

    Oh and PS: Maybe think about going to a different Psych. He sounds like someone who doesn't know how to do his job properly (or care for that matter).

  9. Oh, honey, it'll be okay.
    Sometimes we just fall off the wagon and have bad days, months, years. I had a bad year once. I know how you feel. You just need to look inside yourself and find hope and believe in yourself. Tell yourself that you WILL be okay and you WILL overcome this. I know you can.
    Also, remember that everyone on here supports you wholeheartedly and we all care very much. I know I do. Okay? :)


  10. Maybe you shouldn't make plans to only consume a certain amount of calories each day. Make plans not to consume any (unless it's a liquid, which I think is acceptable) Just tell yourself, "Today's the day! I'm not going to eat.. at all!" It may help a bit.

  11. oh, weve all been here, don't worry. when I was in that situation I got so much support on here. really the best thing to do is not jump straight back in, ease yourself back in, don't go to hard on yourself, I'm not sure about the scales, do what you think is best. I really hope things get better for you.
    stay strong.

  12. Oh, my dear.
    I feel I would be doing the same thing if I didn't live with my mother every day, and go to school to my friends who have just lost their suspicions of my eating.
    Oh they think I eat normally, because I do. And it's too much. Ahh! I hate this.

    Anyway I am not eating more that 1000 calories a day, or purging much, all because of the people around me. I'm not sure, I'm lucky I suppose, most people around here seem to have fairly messed up families, but maybe you could get a room mate or live with a friend for a while.

    I can't imagine what I'd do if I was home alone all the time. I was the other night and it was quite tragic.

    Anyway. Text or call me if you ever want.

    Also that thing that someone said about control being sand, I like that.
    Hold it gently. Cup it. Lovely. Don't grab at it and clutch it. Best thing I've heard for a while.

  13. I hate to sound cliche (but let's face it, I'm unoriginal) I've been there (well, I'm climbing out of "there"-27 days, no binge/purge and counting...and let me tell you it DOES get easier if you are persistent) and whatever you want, whatever you put your mind to and make a choice-no-and make choiceS towards fulfilling your wants you can and you will get to where you want to be.

    Not all is lost Pasco. You did it once, you will again. Just make the choices to get you where you want to be (your happy place) wherever that place may be.

    Wishing you all the best, Luv~Hugs~Faith your way.