fleur

This morning I caught my first, faint yet unmistakable whiff of Spring.


I am aware that there are only so many desperate "new beginnings" a girl can attempt to latch on to, but with that whisper of springtime trailing the breeze one can't help but feel hope. The promise of warmth, prettiness, long nights and longer weekends. Ease and time and birdsong. The beach. How can things not get better? How could I not be inspired?

And the weight is finally slowly coming off. 54kg this morning. It's a start. My fridge is full of strawberries, raspberries, pineapple, sparkling twinkling mineral water. It too feels the hope and freshness of Spring.

Today I will Spring clean my space and lure in a little of this beauty.

Pasco
x

Scent of Sabotage

My anorexic housemate is gone
She has been replaced by housemates who EAT


Right now the scent of bacon and eggs is wafting into my room. Salty and greasy. I wish I could say it disgusted me, but it doesn't. It smells wonderful. I'll just have to stay behind closed doors until it has dissipated.

Now let's not forget the other housemate and our mutual friend who railroaded me into going out for dinner (I know the mutual friend is onto me, and she wouldn't take no for an answer). This was followed by an evening of coating things in chocolate and eating them. And me creeping away to "answer phone calls" and quickly throw up as much as I could in various bouts in my room. I couldn't do it in the bathroom because it would have been too obvious. And I couldn't talk my way out of it. Hooray for girls nights! Gross.

And then there are the FOUR loaves of gourmet bread and the bag of croissants and pastries on the counter. Gifted to me by a friend I encountered working at the bakery in the markets yesterday. I go there to buy bountiful bags of fresh produce and avoid the temptations of the supermarket. So this was a disastrous and unpredictable outcome. I'm trying to make the housemates eat as much as possible.

So yes... there are many challenges ahead. Today I'm doing alright. Trying to keep busy and find life-spiration. Spurred along by diet pills which are mostly just caffeine and are leaving me jittery but not all that hungry. Except for my fingernails, which I'm wolfing down ravenously.

Why is nobody blogging these days?
I'm lonely!
Come back!

Love Pasco
x

HIGH

Not me, my weight.
SO HIGH

I fasted yesterday and this morning thought I'd test the scales. It was a shock. I don't know if it's still water weight from my failed flush. I don't know what's going on. I thought I was doing OK. But I'm not. My weight is HUGE. I don't fit into my jeans anymore. I'm feeling fat and terrified that I'll never get back to where I was again. How could this happen?

How
How
HOW?

This morning when I woke up I felt so sick I involuntarily threw up an enormous pool of stomach acid in the shower. And I ate and purged so much today. I have 2 full 2L ice cream containers of vomit hiding in the corner of my room waiting for an opportunity to empty them into the toilet. It is so disgusting. I am so disgusting. I can't believe the horrible things I routinely do in this endless battle for thinness. I can't go on like this, but if I get any fatter I'll die. If I stay as fat as I am I'll die. It sickens me. I feel so ashamed and so ugly. I just want this weight to melt away.

And it will not budge.
WILL NOT FUCKING BUDGE.

I can't be kind to myself. I can't give myself a break. I can't try to eat normally. I can't. The risk is just too horrible to comprehend. And even if I were to try, the crippling anxiety in my brain would never let me. I would give anything to just get back to where I was.


I'd rather die than stay this high

Emptiful

water water everywhere but not a bite to eat


My salt water flush did not work. It was my third try and it has never failed before. So all I managed to do was ingest a tremendous amount of disgusting salt water. And the salt made me so thirsty I must have had about 3 litres of normal water to try and quench it. I'm blowing up like a beach ball. I can't believe how so much can go in and so little come out. I'm so swollen, it's so foul.

However... nothing kills the appetite like being full to bursting, even if it's not with food. Salt water may be awful and it may make me hideously bloated, but it has no calories. And as a consequence of waiting for it to *ahem* exit, and then feeling so huge when I realised it was never going to, I haven't eaten a thing. Now it's 8.30 and I'm determined I may as well fast out the rest of the day. And soon my body will kick into overdrive and start pouring off this fluid. Bodies are good like that. We treat them like crap but they can still go "hmmm... blood pressure up a bit, glomerular filtration rate awful high, lets make some weeeeeeeeeeee". So I'll probably be up all night racing to the toilet to pee. And by morning it will just be another day, a wonderful day, a lighter post-fast day. A kick start let's hope.

By the way, you are all fucking amazing! Thank you for being there, for caring and understanding in a way that nobody else can. Sharing the secret. It means so much.

Pasco Pissalot
xx

Girls, I'm Flailing...

Help me.


I just don't seem to be able to do it anymore. I still feel disgustingly fat, desperately so. But I'm just completely powerless to help myself. How could I have been so good at this before and so utterly hopeless now? It is misery and I want to sob it out, but I still can't. It seems the only way I can express or regulate emotions is with food. Avoiding it, eating it, purging it, hating it. And I'm numb numb numb. Too numb to cry.

I can't get empty. I feel full and sick. I've been taking laxatives every night, each subsequent night one more than the night previous. Tonight I'm up to 5. Still nothing is happening. I am swollen and ugly. In the morning it will be salt water for breakfast. Something has got to give. I cannot expand infinitely, although it feels as if I might. I haven't weighed in about a week. I know it won't be good.

Finally got to see me psych today. He is ridiculous. I think perhaps he's very good at what he does. That, or terrible. His mannerisms drive me mad. And his voice. Monotone, contrived, deliberately impossible to read. He has no opinion of me, no judgement. At least it's carefully hidden. I become completely aware that I am such a typical, routine case for him. I don't know if it upsets or validates me. I don't know if I want to get better or not. I tell him I do. I know he doubts it.

Oh girls, help! I just need to feel grounded. Real. I don't know what to do to find just a little spark of control. I'm trying to try but I just... can't.

Help.

I caved

I ate.
Tomorrow,
I fast.

love thyself

This morning I drove to the beach to go running. I ran a short way but it was tricky because the tide was out and it was very rocky. I stopped and just meandered around collecting shells for an hour or so. The sun was out for the first time in weeks. It was so beautiful. It didn't matter that I wasn't burning vast numbers of calories. It was sunshine and happiness, lightness of being. And the greatest thing was that I was completely distracted from all thoughts of food.

We need to remember to treat ourselves with a little kindness. We are so brutal to our bodies and so cruel to our hearts. Even if we can't love ourselves, we need to treat ourselves to tiny glimpses of happiness when we can.

Now my tiny glimpse of happiness has past, I've already eaten all my allotted daily calories, and I'm desperately trying to ignore the hunger in my belly and in my head. Such a hideous battle. I wish I could just go to bed and not think about it. But it's only 6.30. I just want to eat. But then I'll stay fat and I can't bear it. I'm struggling to love myself at all now.

FAT PANIC ATTACK

You know, you're doing OK, all the right things, getting back on track. Then suddenly it washes over you. Strange scary panic. Overwhelming scary horrible panic. Where you just NEED all the fat OFF right NOW or you might drop DEAD oh FUCK

Just gotta stay calm...

Black & White

It's the difference between success and failure. Rules, absolutes. It's amazing how the mind shifts. That stony resolve of a black and white mentality. As soon as we have choice, freedom, carelessness, straying a little here and there, meandering off the path in pursuit of a little harmless joy - that's the end of it. In a black and white world we don't really have control, we have just steadfastly shut down our minds to eliminate choice. Real control would be the ability to live that meandering carefree life without going completely batshit off the rails crazy. The black and white lie makes us feelmore in control, but probably takes us further away from ultimately having any real control at all. It controls us.


I did well yesterday. I overshot my calories. Probably had about 500 and was meant to have 200. That's a big overshoot, but given how badly I've been binging lately I'll take it. I also ran myself into the ground in the morning. I couldn't feel my legs. I was just forcing myself on and on and I was sure they were going to fall away underneath me. But they didn't. And I managed a fairly reasonable 10km. Burnt off more than I ate, even though I ate too much.

This morning I feel hungry and sore. Two lovely feelings. My muscles aching, my stomach wanting, definitely a happy reward for yesterday's efforts. 400 calories today. That's the deal. In the interests of eliminating choice it would be wise of me to come up with a 400 calorie meal plan. OK here goes:

Breakfast
- Hot water with lemon, green tea, vitamins, psylium 0
- Grapefruit 100

Lunch
- Chicken 100
- Raw veg 0

Dinner
- Egg white omelette 100
- Strawberries 100

Then of course the endless onslaught of sugar free beverages throughout the day.

That sounds like quite a lot of food for 400 calories, really. I'm impressed! Ooh, and excitement plus, I ordered some more diet pills online yesterday. Hopefully Mr express post man will get them to me today. I feel like the more little tablets I can cram into my body the more strength I have. I derive a lot of comfort from the thought that some of these substances are working from the insides out to make me a better person. Vitamins and antidepressants and mood stabilisers and unusual herbs and stimulants and anxiolytics. I'm silly, I know. It's easier to pretend to play with little building blocks for life than actually have a life.


I wish all of you the very best today, whether you're doing your head in or letting it out for the day.

xx

go for GOLD

I'm back and I'm fat. 55 kg. 121 lbs. Nearly 5 kg and 10 lbs plastered back around my middle. And my thighs which had finally separated are now firm friends again. I've been home a few days and haphazardly attempted to get some order back in my life. It hasn't worked. But today is Monday, new day, new week, new resolve. I need my blog and I need a plan and I need to FOCUS. This is it ladies, I'm going for gold!

First things first, I need a solid restricting regime. And the front runner is 2468. After a brief discussion with my metabolism my own personal adaptation will be as follows:

200-400-600-800-FAST-800-600-400-200-400-600-800-FAST-800-600-400-200
rinse repeat

Having 2 big days with a fast in the middle should work for me. Nice fluctuation and it should be easier to fast knowing I can eat the next day. I've kind of cheated because really the pattern calls for an extra day of 200 calories but I'm easing myself into it. Mmk with everyone? Ah, good!

So, foods? Lots of fresh veg. A little fruit. Egg whites will be my friends. And fishies. Sorry kids, I'm not the vegan kind. And then there are all the delicious diet staples I've been missing out on since I've been away from my sheltered little world. Diet jelly, green tea, berocca, broth.

And the little rituals. The lovely little rituals. My morning routine:

Apple cider vinegar
Hot water with lemon
Spoonful psylium husks
Handful of vitamins
Diet pills
Green tea
... perhaps a few calories if I deserve them.

Ohhhh diet pills. How desperately I wish I could get my hands on something good. The relentless frustration of the ever-vigilant eye of the Therapeutic Goods Administration. More restrictive than even me. Bastards. But even a few over priced herbal supplements with their deliciously inspiring placebo effects should tip the balance in my favour.

I have bought a pedometer and I'm going to do 10 000 steps a day. I know, 10 000 steps is more like baby steps, but it's something.

And this morning?
I'm going to get out of bed and put on my running shoes. I'm going to get proactive about sloughing off some of this lard. Once I get home, I will purge away my last month of sins with a large and painful salt water flush. Then embark on day 1 of my delightful breakfast routine. 200 calories today. It's been a while since I've stuck to anything even in that ballpark. But I'll go fast as I can.

See you at the finish line

Pasco x

BULIMIC MESS

eeeeeurrrgh
SCREW THIS SHIT

My stomach is so distended I can't stand up straight. It hurts. Oh god it really really hurts. I've hit the 3rd day of a some serious bulimic behaviour, binged and purged fine this morning, but this evening BANG. Like a brick wall. Gag gag gag retch spit gag and NOTHING. This seems to be the new routine. After 3 days of crazy eating and puking my body says "no" and I have to digest a monumental binge. Which shakes me into starvation for the next 4 or 5 days. Then that nagging voice gets into my ear and it drags me kicking and screaming to the supermarket and blows all my money on a new cycle of binging.

And I'm getting fatter. I haven't been able to weigh myself since I've been away. About a month. But the gap between my thighs has been steadily narrowing and by morning I just know they'll be squished back against each other once more. FUCK.


I WOULD KILL TO JUST BE ABLE TO THROW UP

Not an inspiration today ladies, just a fat tragic loser

still in the sticks

But I finally have some regular internet and I'll be home next week.

Did you miss me?

Sorry if I had you worried, I don't think I could ever leave you for good. It wasn't an ending, just an aberration. A few new patterns unfolding, none of them all that good for me. Although I do feel... rattled. In a positive way. An entirely new environment devoid of comfort. Lots of work, lots of pressure, lots of pain. I think I'm strengthening. No time to dwell on my personal hell... although ample time to binge and throw up apparently. Well, that is to say I made the time. Priorities hmm? Sad.

Still, I certainly missed you all and I look forward to making my absence up to you!

LOVE
xx

Oh god I am fragmenting
I don't know how to keep going any more
It is unbearable

I can't be here
And I can't get away
I don't know what to do