'nother night with boy

It was good. Better than it has been previously. He came out especially to meet me. Sat down opposite, exchanging timid glances and huge unsuppressable smiles while I pretended to pay attention to my friend beside me. Boy introduced her to his housemate, who said "yes, I live with boy, and every now and then with Pasco". I felt like a noticed addition to the household, pattering footsteps passing in the night. Oh, Pasco must be round again.

There was an onslaught of female flesh thrown at boy all night. His previous lovers, pretty friends and even prettier friends of pretty friends. Drunk and draping and slitted eyes all over me, "how dare she who does she think she is?" And with my every smirking accusation I was met with the reassurance that they were all "boring" and I kind of believed him. I have been chosen by somebody that everybody else wants.

It is a double edged sword - the constant insecurity and carefully masked jealousy met with the feeling that I am special. I don't suppose it's healthy. Feeling inferior, like I am lucky to be with him, treading so lightly, so carefully. Certain always that each time will be the last and I will surely lose him. We had a loosely etched plan to see each other this evening and I am waiting, waiting, for his cancellation or else he may just casually "forget".

I vommed once today and I intended to do it even as I was eating. I can't stop feeling just a little... blech. Like I need something but I also need to be empty. Very thirsty but nothing will quench it. I wonder if he will come tonight. Maybe that's all I need.

Broken Record

Oh don't look so shocked! We all knew I was going to do it.

I'm taking plenty of positives away from it though. I was reasonably gentle on myself, no salt water or bicarb or other nasty household emetics. Took it easy, didn't push myself to get up every last tiny thing. Didn't panic. And didn't start eating again immediately afterward. Plus the entire time I was eating beforehand I was adamant I was going to keep it down. Puking was an afterthought. Which is still bad, but less bad than gorging myself with the intention of puking later.

OK, so I've blathered out all my excuses. I shouldn't excuse myself too much. There are those floodgates to think about. Tomorrow... I will do better.

oooh

I overate and I want to throw up. It wasn't a binge, but it was more than I wanted. I could throw up easily. I would feel better. I wouldn't need to cram myself full of junk food first... I don't need to binge. Just quickly get rid of what's in me now. Nobody is home. It would be easy. All to easy.

But I know... once I let myself do it once, I open the floodgates. I'm trying trying trying to justify it... I know it is not a good idea. But I just hate feeling so full... and I know I could be empty again in a matter of moments...

S.T.O.P.

Today's plan went well off the rails. Firstly because after my dutiful breakfast of egg whites I went to work, managed about an hour, then ran to the bathroom to (unintentionally) projectile vomit. Secondly, because after spending an hour in the foetal position in a hospital disabled toilet I slunk home to bed and woke up to chicken. I ate A LOT of chicken and A LOT of fruit. Plus a little bit of chocolate and ice cream. It wouldn't be so bad, except that I didn't make it out of bed til about 5 in the evening so all the eating was quite smoodged together and now I feel icky and full.


BUT now I am going to stop. Not a morsel more. I'm going to wash my hair, brush my teeth and read your blogs til it's time for bed.

I shan't be vomiting, oh no sirree
I can handle this food inside of me

And the vomiting all morning doesn't count because it was not self induced. So hellooooo 2 days of not purging. My thighs are still massive and my anxiety is still prickling up my spine but I can deal with it later. Right now I have to NOT VOMIT and that is the most important thing in the world. So, I need a plan for tomorrow. My friend and I bought a massive slab of beef fillet which we have been intending to eat tomorrow. It will be fine, I will chew slowly and enjoy it and think of how much I really need the iron. Aside from that, it will be fruit and veg only.

Anise, dear soul mate, and Lulu and Savory, my precious pets, and everybody else, I could not have made it through 2 days without you! I love you til the ends of the earth. Here's going for the big 3...

xxx

I didn't make a plan for today...

Good golly I don't even remember writing last night's post. I was very, HORRIBLY drunk. Was I really so sad last night? I don't recall. But even in my alcoholic stupor I didn't eat anything. The last-minute-art-party that threatened to derail me was overpowered by my own willpower.

I'm fairly sure I'm still quite drunk, but in about 2 minutes I need to head for work. I'm still undressed and in bed. I need a plan for today. I'm concerned that I'm just going to be in eaty eaty mcDrunk town eat everything in sight. I can feel the craving for pretty much every kind of illicit food on the planet creeping into my body.

Need a plan
Need a plan
Need a plan

OK... here goes... egg white for breakfast, fruit and veg for the rest of the day!


And I'm pretty sure I'll be having alcohol for dinner again...

I DIDN'T PUKE YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!

today i didnt vomit.
im hiccupping violently amd involuntarily
and there are tears streaming down my face
and i HATE MYSELF SO MUCH AND NOBODY COULD POSSIBLY LOVE ME
AND ALL THAT JAZZ

and i really feel so sick and so horrible

but today i did not vomit
and in 24 hours i did not vomit
and to you this may mean nothing

but to me
today
it means everything

because today I DID NOT VOMIT

Every night...

...from now on I will form a single, one day plan for the next day. One day at a time. One 24 hour plan at a time. Formulated to fit in with whatever lies ahead.

Tomorrow is a work day. It is also donut day at work. Not for me. For me it will be fruit and vegetable day. As much as I like, as much as I can eat. No limits, no purging. If the donuts look too delicious, I will know they are not nearly as delicious as a huge, glowing peach, brimming with sweet fresh nectar. At 7.30 in the evening there is a pilates class at my gym with my favourite instructor. It will be my first time at the gym in weeks, but I will go.

Every night,


One day at a time.

all at sea

I feel. so. sick.

I weigh nearly 58kg right now. The most in ages. After so recently getting back down to 55. I think, I hope, most of it is water. Horrible sickly salt water. I'm swimming in it.


I drink it to help me throw up. Copious amounts of sea salt and bicarbonate soda in water. It makes me grimace to chug it down. It makes me hate myself for creating such torture. It makes me furiously sad and furiously angry at the same time. Each bitter, cloying gulp through clenched teeth. But it makes me puke.

Today I think I overdid it. So desperate to get everything up. And I think that a lot of that horrible salty slush has leeched into my blood. My stomach is empty but it is still churning. My scales told me my body fat percentage was 16 and it's usually more like 20, so I'm hoping, desperately hoping that there are litres of extra fluid sloshing around inside me accounting for my enormous weight gain. The sight of my thighs makes me want to close my eyes forever. I feel like screaming. I feel like I want to never eat again and starve completely until my weight is back where I need it to be. But soon, I know, I will feel like eating. I will be ravenous and insatiable. I will be powerless against hunger, I have forgotten how to enjoy it. And I will justify eating and eating, more and more and more until I am swimming in a salty hell again.

I'm thinking of going to find myself some help. I think, now, I actually CANNOT stop without help. Fuck FUCK my thighs. FUCK. They're huge FUCK

Oh jesus I am losing it.
There's nowhere to go, there's nowhere to hide, I'm stuck in my fucking horrible body and I can't do a fucking thing about it. I'm sorry for this immense whinge but I am feeling so scattered, so out of control, how wretchedly horrible. So angry. So alone. Such a miserable pathetic piece of shit.

And I feel so sick.

I fucking threw up
I've lost it

help me a little

I need to not throw up for a few days. My cheeks are swollen, my heart rate is rapid and uneven, and my neck and ribs and back hurt. In that way that creeps up on me and makes me realise that things have stepped up a notch and really aren't good.

So please, and I know this is selfish given how unsupportive I've been lately, but please, if you could leave me some little morsel of encouragement... Just let me know I can do this. 3 days. I NEED to not throw up for 3 days.

Thank you
Love
x P